Wretched monster movies #20: Slugs: The Movie (1988) slightly NSFW

Not to be confused with Slugs: The Opera, 1988’s Slugs: The Movie was quite easily one of the most ridiculous of the creatures gone amok movies of all-time.

You had to appreciate the effort though. Sort of.

The opening is a shameless ripoff of Jaws where we have an idiot dangling his feet in the water (and wearing overalls no less), while his hot girlfriend bitches about going home. She strips down to her thong underwear, and is about to take off her top when the hick gets pulled underwater to his bloody death.

What a scene! It’s only lacking these qualities: scares, suspense, originality and any sign of a creature or nudity.

“Where’s the shark? I thought this was an audition for Jaws V! This thong ain’t free!”.

After some lame-looking credits, a cliched drunken guy is walking his dog when some kids yell at him and nearly run him off the road. He stumbles into his “house” which has no power and looks abandoned. Just in case we didn’t know he was a drunken bum loser, he finds mail on his floor (that the mailman somehow tossed through the mail slot about 50 feet, but whatever).

Through the magic of some of the worst explanatory dialogue ever, he picks up a letter and reads aloud: “Eviction notice. Last. Warning. You assholes!”. Read it slowly and that’s how he said it-just like Fred Flintstone.

He dies by lying down on a couch which we assume has killer slugs. Or bad springs.

After some horrendous acting (and odd casting, as the one guy’s wife looks like an 80 year old Russian woman and he’s in his 30’s!), with people we don’t care about 2 cops go to the bum’s house and do so with some hilarious 60’s cop show stock music leading them there! Adam-12 anyone?

By the way, if you’re not up to watching 90 minutes of your life pass by in depressing fashion by realizing you’ve watched this crapfest all the way through, than by all means try this 3 minute 45 second version:

Moving on…an older couple who own a greenhouse have spotted slug eggs on their plants (don’t ask), and the woman’s voice is so badly dubbed it looks like one of those kung-fu movies from the 70’s. But no-it’s Slugs: The Movie!

Thus, the old man gets bit in the hand (well, we assume it so, since we see NOTHING) by a slimy slug and cannot get his gardening glove off, so naturally he chops his hand off with an ax, only AFTER falling on the floor having pulled an entire garden shelf on himself as one would do.

If Herman Munster was in a Grunge cover band…

Of course, he also spills chemicals on the floor which will ignite and when the annoying wife finally hears this and checks on her husband…BOOM! The effects here used most of the film’s $1.93 budget. The ineptitude of the direction is so perfect you can only chuckle and wince at the same time.

There’s some awesome dialogue as well, when our resident hero comes home to see his wife. She’s working on her garden and tells him she saw some big slugs.

When he sees them his response is how one might describe breasts: “Jesus Christ, those things are big! Big? They’re gigantic!”. He then gets bit (By a slug? Really?) and tells the wife to go get a jar to put in it, and make it quick! Yeah, better hurry because we all know how speedy slugs can get away asshole!

“I am slug. Fear me human, and please don’t use any salt you motherfucker, or the movie ends”.

The comedy continues with horrific dialogue between an alcoholic whore and her Scott Baio wannabe, self-absorbed chest hair-laced lover about sex as an appetizer as she prepares a salad (with hidden evil guest in the lettuce who probably isn’t too happy about being diced and sliced).

“Now we slice the head of lettuce carefully, and please people listen to me-to have a really nice slug salad, you must firmly dice the slug to enhance the essence and flavor!”.

Meanwhile, our hero and his lover (ick) race off to a high school to find a scientist to analyze the giant slugs (to a hilariously bad score of further inappropriate music) who has a balding head and bad British accent. “Hello, what’s this?” he quizzes about said slugs.

“Tea and crumpets anyone? I’m a bald British bastard, and I do enjoy a good slug and kidney pie.”

Of note, for no reason at all, the woman takes off her sweater and tosses it in the car as they get ready to run into the school, which seems a good enough reason to watch her breasts bounce in a tank top.

Speaking of breasts, it’s time for the infamous scene where two young sexed-up losers are ready to bang away with the parents gone. The guy looks like the side keyboardist of a Winger cover band and the babe? Well, considering this is Slugs: The Movie she’s not so bad.

They get naked, he’s wasted, and he gets bit by a slug as he goes to walk on the floor. She screams and steps off the bed and falls into the pit of slugs on the floor (still nude!). Drunk Winger dude only wants to save himself, so he lets her die and tries to escape. Thankfully, his dangling junk is kept to a minimum visually, as he reaches for the window! Soon he will be naked slug fodder as well.

One thing for sure…the slugs know a nice butt when they see one (and yeah, it’s the chick-not the dude, and she really was naked with the slugs. Ah, what we do for pure art!).

Pre-slug sex:

Post-coitus intersluggus:

As for the self-absorbed douche? He had a big business meeting. Seeing as his salad from the day before had slugs a la mode, its was time for him to go out to dinner and close the deal. However, his face is munched to the bone by the slugs from within and his eyeballs explode with maggots! What else would rabid slugs do?

“I will be unable to pay the bill tonight-you do understand?”.

And if that wasn’t enough, we soon see a unidentified bloodied corpse in a barn and the stomach explodes yet again with maggots or parasites or spaghetti. Those exploding maggots, what will they think of next, those crazy goofs!

When our hero goes to the commissioner to get the water turned off in town due to the slugs having invaded the system, we see (and hear) a guy that looks like Sam The Eagle.

Of course, Sam won’t listen because he’s seen Jaws too and knows he has to ignore the facts and endanger the town. When our hero says he will accept full responsibility, but the water must be turned off, the commish woodenly exclaims: “You ain’t got the authority to declare happy birthday!”. This is writing people-real writing.

That’s followed by a cliched “You crazy son of a bitch!”.

Don’t worry-the commish will die on the toilet taking a deuce as the slugs became offended.

At this point I’d like to present to you the opening scene and credits. Such a pity there’s no nudity because this was a cute 80’s chick.

Our hero (I can’t remember his character’s name and don’t care what it is), the British bald guy and the hero’s buddy from sanitation (Don?) with the 80 year-old Russian wife (maybe she’s French or Yugoslavian, I don’t know but I DO know she’s ass-ugly and old) hatch a plan to go in the sewer and blow up the slugs with a chemical concoction the British guy developed.

At the same time, a chick who just says no to her horny boyfriend at an awful outdoor Halloween party where they are cranking up tunes by some shitty Hair Metal band the Best Boy must’ve been in, tries to find her way back (not like the Jefferson Starship) and is then a victim of an attempted rape by a scumbag in a skeleton mask. What?

Why would we need such a disgusting act in this already horrendous film? At least she survives…only to trip and fall in the sewer where the slugs kill her. And the would be rapist in the skeleton mask, you ask? Nothing happens to him! Are you fucking kidding me?

By the way, how exactly did this trailer make anyone not on smack want to see Slugs: The Movie?

Let’s just get to the conclusion, shall we? The breeding ground of the slugs is found in a pool of water in the sewer.  Some will be electrocuted (it looks like shit, believe me), but there’s too many for just that, so for some unknown reason our hero’s pal screams, “I have a plan” and proceeds to open a hatch that pours out so much water it knocks him into the slugs’ pool of horrors. Things do not end well.

Ah, but in Don’s honor, Mike our hero (I’m going with that at his name) gets to the top of the manhole and they detonate the sewer immediately. Slugs go boom.

Just wondering though, guys…um, YOU DIDN’T TELL ANYONE IN TOWN YOU WERE BLOWING THE SEWER UP???

As we see cars, houses, churches and streets blown to bits we realize that this must be a slight surprise to everyone in town, no? Then we hear some ghastly sax-laced Muzak as the end theme play us out until…a closeup of a very pissed off slug on top of a scorching hot sewer grate  essentially saying, “Pony up the money for the sequel fuckers, because my boys and I are comin’ back for revenge!”.

Burn baby burn, Disco Slugferno?

Slugs: The Movie was truly a lesson in movie-making and what not to do. Learn well my friends.

Fun Facts:

1.) Believe it or not, Slugs: The Movie is based on the novel Slugs by Shaun Hutson.

2.) Slugs: The Movie was directed by legendary (and not for good reasons) Spanish director Juan Piquer Simon who also did the excruciating Pieces as well as The Rift ( aka Endless Descent) which is also here on my blog-see Wretched Monster Movie #12: Endless Descent at https://chudbeagleblog.wordpress.com/2013/08/02/wretched-monster-movies-11-the-rift-aka-endless-descent-1989/

3.) In Spain, the film was called Muerte Viscosa, and actually had a cool poster that was far better than this slimy debacle.

Slugs: The Movie (1988):

 1/2 beagles out of for 4 for awfulness

Q: Should you see Slugs: The Movie?

A: No, go see Slugs: In Your Backyard instead. It will be far more entertaining watching a slug in his own ooze for 90 minutes than this disgrace!