25 Holiday Album Covers To Destroy Your Christmas


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This has been done before, and will be done again. However, I’ve never done it-so now it is my delight to bring you 25 truly wretched Christmas album covers (and the music ain’t good either) to hopefully add a little horror, shame and laughs to your holiday season.

I chose 25 albums-one giant yule log o’ poop for each day leading to Christmas. Let’s just call it my advent calendar from hell-just for you!

1. Thore Skogmans Julskiva-Klappa Pa!

My name be Thorne! You bring da fun, and I bring da sausage! Do I creep you out? Dis is not my intention, but please stay; I am lonely for holiday.

2. Ann Guest Moore-Welcome to the World of Ann Guest Moore 

What’s moore off here (like my “Moore” pun?)…that Ann is a filthy slut sitting on Santa’s yule log, or that was somehow 1986 when it looks like a…

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Unstrung Heroes: Fifty Guitar Greats You Should Know…my book is out!


Why I haven’t mentioned this on here, I do not know, but I haven’t used the blog in many months.

In any case, my book Unstrung Heroes: Fifty Guitar Greats You Should Know came out in June and is available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com. The links are here:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/unstrung-heroes-pete-braidis/1122938752?ean=9780764350887

https://www.amazon.com/Unstrung-Heroes-Guitar-Greats-Should/dp/0764350889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1470688480&sr=1-1&keywords=unstrung+heroes+book

If you are a true music fan, you will love this book. In it, I did 50 biographies on the wonderful guitar players I feel have never gotten the recognition that they deserved and I interviewed all of the players myself and acquired all the rare photos of each musician.

The book came out beautiful and is 305 pages and is hardbound. And e-book will be available soon.

Among the players are Davey Johnstone of Elton John, Tony Hicks of the Hollies, Steve Hackett of Genesis, Rik Emmett of Triumph, Kyoji Yamamoto of Japanese hard rock legends Bow Wow, Vicki Peterson of the Bangles, Bruce Kulick of Kiss, Vic Flick who played the James Bond Theme and with Tom Jones, Bruce Cockburn, Andy LaRocque of King Diamond, Jennifer Batten of Michael Jackson and Jeff Beck, Howard E. Scott of War and many, many more.

It took nearly two years, but the book is out and it’s awesome. So buy it and enjoy it!41x3mkzfrbl-_sx351_bo1204203200_

 

 

 

 

 

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Easter horrors: good and bad album covers with rabbits and bunnies


Well, it’s that time of year again, so why not celebrate Easter with some truly horrific album covers featuring rabbits and/or bunnies?

I did include a few awesome bands and album covers, but it’s mostly the weird, warped and wretched covers that made this eggxactly what I was going for. So, hop on board and follow me down the bunny trail…to hell!

1.) Rabbit-Too Much Rock ‘n’ Roll

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I cheated here. No bunnies, but these rabbits are downright terrifying.

2.) Lew Qualding & the Sentimental Reeds-That Old Sax Magic

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Could this rabbit reproduce like normal while playing That Old Sax Magic for his wife? It looks like he is praying for the sweet release of death rather than hear this album…

3.) Sparks-Hello Young Lovers

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I happen to think Sparks are demented genius and this cover proves it.

4.) Schnuffle-Winterwunderland

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Awe, isn’t Schnuffel cute? This German creeper was created in the late 2000’s to horrify little kids in their lederhosen and wet themselves. What does Schnuffel mean you ask? Snuggle. I see a bear with a good lawsuit in his paws…

5.) Rush-Presto

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Best band ever, and one of the coolest album covers ever by Hugh Syme. Amusing, and beautifully photographed in black and white. On this tour, there were giant bunnies on each side of the stage. That’s rock and roll dammit.

6.) various artists-25 Cancoes Preferidas

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Criminal charges were filed shortly after this cover shoot. This rabbit is getting a taste of carrots in prison…

7.) Nathan Maxwell & The Original Bunny Gang-Nathan Maxwell & The Original Bunny Gang

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Reggae side-project from the guitarist in Flogging Molly. Although this looks like 70’s porn…

8.) The Bunny And The Bear-If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say…

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Oh, I have plenty to say and none of it’s nice. Was this designed by an inbred bunny? See what 2 weeks of Art in Community College can do for you?

9.) Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers-Jive Bunny: The Album

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Frighteningly, a lot of people bought this novelty piece of bunny poop. Remember “Swing the Mood” in 1989? That atrocity went to #1 in the UK and around the world and #11 in the US. All who bought this have felt shame for years…

10.) Swans-White Light From The Mouth Of Infinity

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Pretentious, AND a strangely placed carrot on this mopey Emo bunny.

11.) Thumper-Another Day

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This bunny is gonna kick some ass. Sadly, the album does not.

12.) Eric Gale-Multiplication

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Why are bunnies so typecast? They do more than just eat and have sex all day. Wait, that actually sounds like a damn good life…

13.) Helloween-Rabbit Don’t Come Easy

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German Metal legends Helloween have always had a warped sense of humor and this title and cover rock. Look at this poor buck-toothed rabbit wondering what he did wrong to get here. Why does the magician have a robot hand? Fuck it-never mind.

14.) Bunny And The Bear-Food Chain

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This is one Easter dinner I would not attend. Not that a meal of a sacrificed teddy bear and a house of hellish nightmares doesn’t sound fun.

15.) Masters Of Reality-Sunrise On The Sufferbus

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Although I doubt this bunny is actually that good on a bicycle, I admire his moxie. Ride, rabbit, ride!

16.) Holograf-Stai In Pola Mea

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You’ve now arrived at the worst (or best) Easter party ever. The idea that these bunnies had to touch the junk of the members of Holgraf is a hare-raising one indeed. (Yeah, I said it!)

17.) Kool & The Gang-Kool & The Gang

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You know, maybe life as a bunny ain’t so bad. Hop to it, my furry friend and do what you do best-reproduce!

18.) Sack Trick-(Music From) The Mystery Rabbits

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I feel so sorry for these rabbits. Their parents did not raise them to end up like this. And what the fuck is a Sack Trick? (Please don’t answer that).

19.) Bambix-The Story Tailor

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OK, this one is pretty cool actually. All this rabbit needs is a carrot pipe and a bunny wench by his side. Who the hell are Bambix? Who cares???

20.) Residents-The Bunny Boy

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If you know the Residents, you know they are bizarre and rather an acquired taste. This was also a concept album about Bunny Boy making secret videos on You Tube searching for his brother Harvey and asking fans to help find him. Or something like that. Not enough bong hits could really explain this.

21.) Rabbit Rumba-Primera Antologia De La Rumba

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Translation: Giant-ass Spanish rabbit will eat human flesh for lunch. And do the rumba while he’s at it.

22.) Shakalabbits-Rabbits, Rabbits All The Way 1

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Don’t know about the bunny in the blender, but the rest of these guys are gonna have a damn good time. Shrooms, fruit and some female melons? Sounds like a most sinful Easter delight. Peter’s cottontail will be a hoppin’ down the booby trail!

23.) Natalia Kills-Rabbit Hole

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Yeah, I’m guessin’ ‘ol Natalia has had her rabbit hole filled with some carrots many a time.

24.) Echo & Bunnymen-Pictures On My Wall (single)

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One of the greatest bands ever. I’m cheating and including a single here. This was the band’s very first release way back in 1979 and started an amazing career still going strong. Long live the Bunnymen!

25.) Lil’ Richard & His All-Stars-Happy Easter

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Li’l Richard and his (very) lil’ richard violated every one of these poor bunnies. Easter was never the same again.

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Gone to the Dogs: Best album covers featuring pooches


Cats rule, dogs drool, but for now I will throw a bone (ha, ha) to canine lovers and dedicated my first blog in an eternity to album covers with pooches in no special order. Enjoy some awful puns I throw in, woof it down and enjoy…

1.) Weezer-Raditude (2009)

This is life at it’s most pawesome.

2.) Mose Jones-Mose Knows! (1973)

Southern Rockers from the 70s, Mose Jones didn’t sell many copies, but they earn major points for this nosy cover.

3.) Rush-Signals (1982)

My favorite album by my favorite band and my favorite album cover. What else can I say? It’s all brilliant and another amazing design by Hugh Syme!

4.) The Church-Priest=Aura (1992)

Fantastic album by a very unique band with a proud pooch of a desert nature.

5.) Squeeze-Domino (1998)

Although record buyers resisted this album from the great Squeeze, it couldn’t have been because of this lovable mutt!

6.) Kristen Barry-The Beginning. The Middle. The End. (1996)

Forgettable late 90s Alt-Rock, but this cover is frickin’ genius, so I give Ms. Barry a pass.

7.) Paul Gilbert-Flying Dog (1998)

Great album from Mr. Big guitar wizard Paul Gilbert, and how can you not see the greatness here?

8.) John Entwistle’s Ox-Mad Dog (1975)

Most of late Who bass legend John “The Ox” Entwistle’s solo albums were an acquired taste, and this album is no exception, with an album cover looking like a poster for a low-budget horror flick.

9.) Eric Clapton-There’s One in Every Crowd (1975)

Drugs, alcohol and poor attempts at Gospel and Reggae do not make for one of Slowhand’s better moments, but this cover is inspired genius.

10.) James Taylor-One Man Dog (1973)

No word as to whether the beast tipped James over the boat for wearing that ghastly tie…

11.) Joni Mitchell-Dog Eat Dog (1985)

Not sure what the hell is going on here, but this album was abysmal and when you think you’re creating “art” by recording the sounds of a cigarette machine as a song you’ve lost the plot…

12.) Neil Young and Crazy Horse-Everybody Knows This is Nowhere (1969)

Is this dog was female, did Neil call her his “Cinnamon Girl”?

13.) Fleetwood Mac-Tusk (1979)

I love this strange double-album adventure, and this bizarre cover only adds to the excellence of it. By the way, the chomping hound was producer Ken Caillat’s beast named Scooter.

14.) Blur-Parklife (1994)

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Give me Oasis over Blur any day, but Blur are cool too and this cover? Well, it’s kinda awesome, isn’t it?

15.) Captain & Tennille-Love Will Keep Us Together (1975)

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This begs the question…which one is the Captain and which one Tennille? I’ve heard Tennille was a bulldog in the sack, so let’s say both are Tennille. Did the Captain wear his sailor’s hat while he was at half-mast?

16.) Mickey Katz-Katz Puts on the Dog (1957)

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Why do I feel this dog was waiting for the slow release of death?

17.) Phil Everly-Star Spangled Springer (1973)

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I’m assuming Phil lost all mental capacities by this time. This dog is a shitty dresser on top of that.

18.) Butthole Surfers-Locust Abortion Technician (1987)

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These guys were actually cool, and yes, it’s meant to creep you out. Mission accomplished.

19.) Status Quo-Dog of Two Head (1971)

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One of the UK’s biggest bands ever, but this was just before they hit it big. With an album cover like this, I can see why this wasn’t a smash. Are those paperclips?

20.) Ludacris-Word of Mouf (2001)

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Hmmmm…what’s more frightening here: A misshapen Ludacris with massive ‘fro, the gold teefs on the dog (like how I spelled teeth?), or the abuse of the English language?

21.) Scorpions-Animal Magnetism (1980)

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Never ones for subtlety, Scorpions delivered a kick-ass album with Animal Magnestism, and continued to offend females everywhere!

22.) The Beautiful South-Miaow (1994)

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Love this cover, which ultimately was banned when UK music chain HMV sued, claiming the cover mocked their dog logo. So, an alternate cover was used…

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Just as cool! Although I wonder who was paddling…

23.) Heavy Cruiser-Lucky Dog (1973)

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Psychedelic blues that might bore you to tears, Heavy Cruiser nonetheless knew a great, yet awful album cover when they saw one. Truly, this was a winning hand…

24.) Amazing Blondel-Amazing Blondel (1970)

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I think it’s best if we don’t know what went down on this particular evening. We feel the dog’s shame spiral…

25.) Marshall Crenshaw-Life’s Too Short (1991)

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Sadly, Marshall’s hair wasn’t too short. Mullet alert! (By the way, I love his music).

26.) Big Country-Why the Long Face (1995)

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Ha ha. Love this band and this album cover. Are those real eyebrows?

27.) Yaz-You and Me Both (1983)

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This was such a cool musical act, and this album cover proves it, although this turned out to be their final album. Maybe this is how they felt by this point…rip, snarl, snort, yip!

28.) Van Morrison-Veedon Fleece (1974)

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A sadly misunderstood album, Veedon Fleece is an intriguing listen. Plus, we get Van hangin’ with two huge Irish wolfhounds. This is a win-win.

29.) Kate Bush-Hounds of Love (1985)

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Simply lovely.

30.) Dexter Wansel-Time is Slipping Away (1977)

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Let’s just hope Dexter’s robe doesn’t slip away.

31.) Goose Creek Symphony-Do Your Thing But Don’t Touch Mine (1974)

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What. The. Fuck.

32.) The Three Suns-Soft and Sweet (1955)

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Why, you filthy little tramp! (The slutty woman, not the dog who got some!)

33.) Atlanta Rhythm Section-Dog Days (1975)

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This cover is so great, I’d have it tattooed on my ass. Or do I already have it there…

34.) The Replacements-All Shook Down (1990)

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The band and the cover are just too damn cool for me to say anything more.

35.) John Fogerty-John Fogerty (1975)

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Fogerty himself calls this album Old Shep in reference to his dog who appeared on the cover with him. Good enough for me!

36.) Alice in Chains-Alice in Chains (1995)

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This incredible album was self-titled officially, but unofficially it is referred to as Tripod in honor of the three-legged pooch on the cover. Although this pup looks like a mean son of a bitch, apparently he was a sweetheart. The menace of the cover adds to the intensity of the music. By the way this album hit #1. The cover was in 3 different colors-I have the purple one.

37.) Abbe Lane-The Lady in Red (1959)

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I’m seeing some serious nipple and Abbe is a hottie! The canine looks unhappy, but I’d gladly place my bone nearby if Abbe would fetch it.

38.) The Pogues-The Best of the Pogues (1991)

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Bad doggie!

39.) William Bell-It’s Time You Took Another Listen (1977)

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I’m a bit creeped out by Mr. Bell, and I’d imagine the dog is too. I’m sure this led to a few bites and chomps.

40.) Hoyt Axton-Snowblind Friend (1975)

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Love this cover and Hoyt Axton was the man. He was the Dad in Gremlins, and for that alone, he rules eternally. He was also a great songwriter, and in fact the title cut of this album was covered by Steppenwolf. So there.

41.) Sting-If on a Winter’s Night… (2009)

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A tranquil shot of Sting and his beast Compass, who I assume by his name better not get them lost.

42.) Charlie Daniels Band-Road Dogs (2000)

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On par with a family portrait at Wal-Mart, this is quite embarrassing, but by 2000 nobody gave a crap anyway.

43.) INXS-Shabooh Shoobah (1982)

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Whippet, whippet good! Yeah, I know that’s Devo, but get it? There’s a whippet on the cover? Never mind. Great band by the way…

44.) The Royal Guardsmen-Snoopy and His Friends (1967)

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No dog is cooler than Snoopy. Not a one. Sorry, Snoop Dogg.

This album was by The Royal Guardsmen and contains the seasonal classic “Snoopy’s Christmas”, and yes, Charles Schulz himself designed the cover!

45.) Beck-Odelay (1996)

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An amazing album and a truly glorious cover of a Komondor hurdling away. Did he make it? I’m guessing no. With all that fur, he needs a “Devil’s Haircut”. Ha ha ha…

46.) Melvins-Nude with Boots (2008)

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I hope you love this. If not, you’re not human, so go away.

47.) Bert Jansch-Birthday Blues (1969)

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Hell, yes to both the album and the cover. This guy was a phenomenal acoustic guitarist. Don’t know about the puppy.

48.) Rick Springfield-Success Hasn’t Spoiled Me Yet (1982)

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This was a hit album and a good one…despite the album cover.

49.) Nazareth-Hair of the Dog (1975)

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Does it get any more kick-ass than this? Their biggest album and wildest cover (and they had some gems). The title cut still needs to be cranked to 11. Just sayin’…

50.) Bow Wow-Hard Dog (1981)

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Japan’s gift to us all is Bow Wow, a band of supreme excellence thanks to guitarist extraordinaire Kyoji Yamamoto. A rather heavy album, but also with some Pop stylings, this record is a killer listen. If you don’t know of Yamamoto’s playing, please discover his genius.

51.) David Bowie-Diamond Dogs (1974)

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A bonus entry here, and a tribute to the late David Bowie (I share a birthday with the man). This is of course, the banned album cover for Diamond Dogs which is worth a lotta $ still. Hard to believe this caused so much uproar back then, but it probably still would now.

In any case, the album is frickin’ brilliant and the music world will never be the same without Mr. David Jones. R.I.P. my friend…

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Wretched monster movies #25: Barracuda (1978)


Another cool poster that did not tell the truth about the fishy contents of the film it promoted, Barracuda was an odd entry into this wonderful world of aquatic horrors.

When I saw this ad in the newspaper, I begged my Dad to take me to see it. In retrospect I’m glad he didn’t because I would not have been happy due to false advertising.

Why? Well, let’s discuss…

Barracuda has no idea in hell what it wants to be. Is it a Jaws ripoff? A boring spy thriller? A horror spoof like the awesome Piranha?

“That Heart song does kick ass, doesn’t it? Anyway, back to eating divers! Munch, munch, munch…”

Well, it’s a weird combo of carnivorous killer fish attacking the public sprinkled in with a possibly interesting ongoing thread involving devious, snazzy-dressed corporate dudes who are up to no good. The conspiracy angle would’ve been better served in another film, not this one. The acting is for the most part fine.

Most shocking is that the score is by keyboard legend Klaus Schulze of Tangerine Dream fame and his icy synthesizers and other keyboards are well-placed with the underwater sequences.

This trailer lets you know the film is called Barracuda about 200 times.

The underwater cinematography is pretty good, but a tad murky. There are some cool barracuda attacks, but after the last snack is achieved, the fish never reappear in the film’s final 30 minutes as the government cover-up dealing with glucose (believe it or not) takes over.

Back to the fishies, some of the attacks look OK but awkward due to closeups and tight camerawork but, at times we see why They Might Be Giants may have written “Put Your Hand Inside the Puppet Head”.

“Me hungry puppet. Feed me human arm”!

While the film starts as a promising fish romp, the government spy plot takes over and there’s also a useless side story where the townspeople are becoming agitated due to the glucose levels in the water just like the fish. This involves nothing more than what people normally do in public: act like assholes and treat each other like crap. And it’s hinted at, that maybe even the sheriff and his assistant are going to start acting like that because they’ve been drinking bottled water. But it never happens and is never addressed again.

The two main characters are a young marine biologist (who actually says “no” when the sheriff’s daughter wants to bump uglies) and the sheriff who is skeptical but later convinced of the government’s experiments on this small Florida beach town. The biologist is Wayne Crawford who also directed the underwater scenes, and William Kerwin is the sheriff. Both aren’t lead actors, but handle the material well enough. Harry Kerwin (William’s brother?) directs.

The sad thing is, as a young kid, once Barracuda aired on TV I wanted blood and killer fish. And though I got it, there was only some of that. I applaud what there was however.

“And tonight, I dine on human head with a dash of red wine! Oh, wait, that’s blood? Ah, as long as it’s vintage…”

The not naked lass who wants to bone the marine biologist is played Rebecca Leighton and she looked good in 70’s short-shorts (not pictured here). Another horror faux pas: get the nudity in there-it belongs!

“I just watched Barracuda…

So, in the end we find it’s the government testing on the town and the evil doctor was responsible, and the fish also got effected because of the illegal dumping into the ocean.

Sure, the film has some decent death scenes, but the fish disappear for the conspiracy angle and the pacing is dull. For anyone sold on the poster and the trailer which implies a fish feast on human flesh, you’d have every reason to be pissed.

“The Whaler was a better sandwich than the Filet O’ Fish! I’ll say it ’til my death”!

There is a gem of a scene where a girl throws a stick for a dog in the water and we fear this is a ripoff of Jaws where the pooch Pipett bites the dust.

But no…the dog comes back, but not with the stick, but a human head severed by the barracudas complete with his scuba gear still on! Yeah!

“AAAAGGGGHHHH! My bathing suit is terrible”!

Also of note, the bad guys win in the end which is a rather dour way to conclude things. So, let’s give the film points for trying something different, but let’s not get too crazy because when you make a film about man-eating fish we want the following: fish eating man, boobs, more fish eating man, more boobs and a dash of…boobs.

Sorry Barracuda, you don’t rock after all…

“You lyin’ so low in the weeds
I bet you gonna ambush me
You’d have me down, down, down, down on my knees
Now wouldn’t you? Barracuda”!

Fun facts:

1.) The fat sheriff’s assistant is played by Cliff Emmich who would get a hammer through his skull by Michael Myers in Halloween II in 1981.

2.) The film was shot on location in Pompano Beach and Ft. Lauderdale, FL in 1978. From 1977-1983 one of the more successful NASL soccer teams was the Ft. Lauderdale Strikers, and a new version of the Strikers play in the Division II version of the NASL today. This has nothing to do with anything, so you’re welcome.

3.) Klaus Schulze was an early member of German Prog Rock band Tangerine Dream and went on to do over 40 solo albums. And you didn’t. So there.

4.) Barracuda sank like a dead fish and disappeared from theaters quicker than a bag of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish. It also shown on TV sometimes (and not often) as The Lucifer Project which is also the name of the government plan that is discovered here.

5.) At one point someone makes a phone call and actually uses a real number-not a “555” number. Let’s call them tonight!

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Wretched monster movies #24: Island Claws (1980)


Are crabs scary?

Sexually, yes.

As creatures to flee from in terror?

Not so much.

Thus, we have Island Claws another Jaws knock-off which equals Jaws in the following ways: it has a beginning and an ending.

The scene on this box does not occur, but neither does anything good.

The movie’s plot involves some power plant in Florida that has covered up just how much waste escaped into the ocean from a leak.

Obviously that is the threadbare plot line that leads us to believe a bunch of crabs are marching in anger to the land to basically walk on the beaches and in the woods looking quite confused as if to say, “I know roles for crabs are shit these days in films, but we need a new agent”.

Director: “OK, guys-action”!

Crabs: “This IS action! We’re fuckin’ crabs, man”!

The opening credits are cheap and the music sounds like a samba which we see the crabs getting into.

A pretty reporter decides to do a story on a local lab doing work with crabs and it’s here where things make even less sense. We learn that the lab is experimenting with growth hormones and DNA in the crabs which is a no-no. So, who is to blame? The lab or the power plant? We never know. And yet, the crabs continue to be…crabs.

“Fear me silly humans. Now, it is my time to boil YOU”!

The local town is filled with morons you want to perish, especially the banjo-playing inbred named Amos. Amos lives in a bus which raises a whole series of questions I won’t bother with, but after he realizes he has crustacean visitors on the bus he begins screaming and swingin’ that ol’ banjo at them thar critters. He misses more often than not, but naturally he hits a lantern which falls to the ground and starts a fire.

The bus tips over and Amos and his banjo are soon strumming in hell. The crabs, their work done will then head toward town to change the damn menus offering up their brethren.

Here we have a trifecta of a crab, Amos and some more crabs.

The pretty reporter rides her bike, falls and sees crabs. She wonders…why so many crabs? And, why aren’t I driving a car?

She will be saved by her prospective boyfriend who works at the lab and now believes her stories, because aside from these bike-hating crabs we also find a giant shell which will lead to analysis at the lab o’ fools.

“What the shell”?

If you care, the woman is played by Jo McDonnell and the guy by Steve Hanks. They try well enough, but one guy who really does a nice job is the grizzled bar owner played by Robert Lansing (I think he owns the bar actually, but who cares? I do know one thing-he drinks a lot as does this whole flea-bitten town).

Speaking of flea-bitten…the local mutt Trouble proves aptly named as the crabs feast on his fur and the dog becomes the Shaggy D.O.A. (That was pretty clever on my part I must say).

“I just wanted to try some seafood”.

And how do we know these crabs are murderous? Well, we hear a sound equivalent to a typewriter ticking away when they are nearby plotting their attack which involves…walking like crabs.

There’s an odd side story involving Haitian immigrants sneaking onto the island and blamed by the town drunks for the killings (the theory at least makes more sense than giant crabs), but Lansing’s character sees the people with a sick child and offers help and soon the giant crab we’ve all been waiting for (at least sort of) shows up and starts killing and destroying things uniting one and all.

Though the crab is a pretty cool design, the creature moves awkwardly and also roars and grunts (WHY do all creatures do this in horror movies? Even spiders???)

“I know and you know and the audience knows that I can pretty much walk away and you won’t catch me Mr. Giant Crab, but it’s my duty to stand here and fight you to the death, so let’s dance”!

The final showdown is as cheesy as you’d expect with people standing still as the crab’s pincers invite them to death. Finally, our two heroes jump on top of the fucker and stab it with darts loaded with rat poison which naturally kills a giant crab, because that’s why it’s called RAT poison! Duh.

At least we do get the giant crab for the last 10-15 minutes of the film which is rather dull otherwise and also starts then drops several different storylines. A lot of the film is so damn dark and poorly lit that the viewer can’t even see a damn thing which is probably the intention.

The acting ranges from mediocre to good so it’s not the actors’ fault. Director Hernan Cardenas would never work again and the film was funded by Hernan and his brother Dario which was interesting seeing as they somehow spent $3.5 million on this lousy film.

The Cardenas brothers had another sibling in Gabriel who was the brother-in-law of noted Medellin Cartel boss Jorge Ochoa and word is, that a lot of cocaine money went into the crab bisque that made this cinematic masterpiece! (I’m not making that up).

“Shit, that Hawaiian Snow was ass-wicked dude!”

Island Claws has flaws (and that rhymes), but it is kinda fun and definitely cheesy. I have seen way worse in this genre and the acting isn’t bad at all. The crab is pretty kick-ass, but the poor guy can only do so much.

However, the scenes in pitch black darkness (and there’s too much of it) are laughable, and the subplots never get revisited or finished. The deaths are lame and the idea that people couldn’t simply step out of the way of normal-sized crabs walking around like they’re drunk on Old Bay seasoning and rum is pathetic.

The dialogue at times is hilarious. At one point, someone asks how the coffee is at the lab, and Steve Hanks’s character replies, “It’s good, if you like coffee”. What the fuck does that mean? I doubt anyone knows.

Island Claws most likely never played theaters in 1980 but it went to home video and played on CBS and cable quite often (my pals and I rented it on VHS somewhere around 1983 or so). It finally had a DVD and Blu-Ray release by Scorpion Video in 2014, but why you would need this on Blu-Ray is beyond me, unless you need high resolution of scenes in total darkness.

Just remember next time you see 2,000 angry crabs (yes, that’s how many were rounded up for the film) to scream and run and fall. Or, step aside and keep walking.

“Rhythm’s gonna get ya”!

Fun facts:

1.) The giant crab was made for $500,000 and was designed by none other than Oscar-winning effects man Glen Robinson (not the former NBA star) who just 4 years earlier had designed the giant ape in King Kong. From King Kong to Island Claws? Ouch.

2.) This film is also known as Night of the Claw. Now you know.

3.) Ricou Browning co-wrote this movie. He was the actual creature in Creature from the Black Lagoon in 1954. So, he knows crabs personally.

Island Claws (1980):

2 beagles out of 4 for awfulness

Q: Should you see Island Claws?

A: Is there a Santa Claws? Of course there is, and thus you should see this and expect little. Go in with a good attitude, and please don’t be crabby.

 

 

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50 film sequels nobody ever asked for


I haven’t done a blog entry in a long time because I was writing a music book and that is due early next year. More on that later. But it is now time to return with something painful.

We know Hollywood has run out of ideas. This happened decades ago. However, it is still mystifying to look back and ahead at the numerous sequels that have infected society over the years.

This will be painful, I warn you. But it is necessary to laugh and laugh we will at just some of the wretched sequels that nobody in their right mind would ever have asked for or thought could have possibly made more than $1.35 at the box office.

This list is in no particular order and I am not including direct to video sequels because those are all shit and far too easy a target.

I could’ve included far more films than this, but it was too painful to go much further.

1.) Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993)

box office gross: $12.7 million

I loved the original Weekend At Bernie’s from 1989. It was original, funny and stupid in a good way. The sequel however, was abysmal and the idea of adding voodoo into the mix was a good idea to who, exactly?

The tagline of “Bernie’s Back…And He’s Still Dead!” was obviously the creation of a lowly intern.

2.) Teen Wolf Too (1987)

box office gross: $7.9 million

Words that probably very few have uttered in the history of the world: “Two tickets for Teen Wolf Too please”.

I love Jason Bateman-he’s so damn funny in that deadpan way, and he is brilliant on Arrested Development. Good lord, who did he wrong to be in this debacle?

Just look at this shitty poster. I’m guessing we’re supposed to be laughing that he’s reading State Leash Laws and The Wolfman Cometh? Well, this wolfman cometh and goeth from theaters quicker than people attending a Biz Markie concert.

3.) Conan the Destroyer (1984)

box office gross: $31 million

Here’s a great idea: let’s get Grace Jones, Mako AND Wilt Chamberlain to star in a Conan sequel with Arnold Schwarzenegger!

Two great things about Conan The Destroyer: (1.) It ends and (2.) It’s some of the finest unintentional comedy one can enjoy.

4.) Son of the Mask (2005)

box office gross: $17.0 million

Jamie Kennedy, you are a menace to humanity.

Bob Hoskins must still punish himself daily for being in this abomination.

5.) Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)

box office gross: $9.4 million

Regarded as one of the worst films in cinematic history, Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 raises a whole host of questions.

Did everyone associated with this film live in shame with scorn as they deserved? Did these children ever erase the psychological scars of having been mentally abused by their parents by signing them up for this piece of whale shit?

Scott Baio? Well, it was kinda his destiny to be in this. But what about Jon Voight? First you bit Kramer’s arm and now this. Sad.

When you’ve earned a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, you’ve achieved a special place in cinematic hell.

6.)  Mannequin Two: On the Move (1991)

box office gross: $3.7 million

The first Mannequin was sickening enough, as was the Starship’s #1 song “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” from the soundtrack, but here we go with a sequel that approximately 3 people asked for, all of whom are on this poster.

7.) Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983)

box office gross: $7 million

This pile of quail sperm set new lows in cinematic history.

Initially, this pitiful mess was known as Smokey IS The Bandit with Jackie Gleason playing both roles. Test audiences hated it, so the producers went back and begged Jerry Reed to come back and become the next Bandit. Burt Reynolds has a cameo at the end and probably was forced to appear due to incriminating photos of he and an alpaca in sex games.

This mvoie also uses stock footage from the first two films. The original movie made over $300 million. This one? A robust $7 million.

8.) The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000)

Box office gross: $35.2 million

This was a kick in the rocks to every executive at Universal involved with this dreck. No dinopeptic germ could have saved this joke from failure.

9. Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

box office gross: $20.8 million

Jaws is one of the greatest films ever made.

Jaws: The Revenge is not.

A great quote from Michael Caine about being in this piece of fish shit: “I have never seen it [the film], but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific”!

If only I had been as fortunate as Caine and had not seen this laughable fuckfest. Yeah, my friends and I paid to see this in theaters.

Somewhere from beyond Quint is ready to kick my ass for doing so.

10.) Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005)

box office gross: $22.4 million

Answering all of the questions that had been plaguing people since the first film, here’s your sequel folks!

Rob Schenider defies logic, but he has more money than I will ever see. Keep licking Adam Sandler’s nutsack Rob,  it’s been working so far!

11.) C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud (1988)

box office gross: N/A

C.H.U.D. remains a cult classic. It was campy, schlocky horror and I proudly still have my ticket stub from 1984 when I saw it in theaters.

Here, we have a sequel from 1988 that was unwelcome. Turning C.H.U.D. into a zombie comedy was probably a great idea on smack, but in reality, not so much. How dare they tarnish the C.H.U.D. name!

12.) Caddyshack II (1988)

box office gross: $11.8 million

Don’t they all look so happy?

Knowing that they were in one of the worst films of all-time, they shouldn’t have been.

Rodney Dangerfield wisely backed out of this travesty, but Chevy Chase, the only boob from the first film desperate enough to appear rightfully felt shame.

Jackie Mason? REALLY? Could they have picked anyone more unfunny? And, making the gopher talk? For fuck’s sake! At least Bill Murray sued over that as a co-creator of the furry guy and won.

Let’s just say Caddyshack II was way under par. (Too easy?)

13.) Basic Instinct 2 (2006)

box office gross: $6.0 million

Even the promise of Sharon Stone’s nether-regions couldn’t drag anyone into theaters to see this sham.

One of the biggest box office disasters ever, it cost $70 million and grossed $6 million (although overseas it did far better because people there are stupid).

Basic Instinct II will leave you laughing and limp of penis. Enjoy.

14.) The Bad News Bears go to Japan (1978)

box office gross: $7.1 million

A big swing and a miss here.

Tony Curtis as the manager? Worse than Philippe Aumont’s career ERA (never heard of that bum? Check out his career stats with the Phillies and cry).

Note that the poster says “All New! Never Seen Before!”. How right they were…it still hasn’t been seen.

15.) Blues Brothers 2000 (1998)

box office gross: $14 million

John Belushi needs to come back and kick Dan Ackroyd’s ass for this disgrace. I never even liked the original, but I doubt any human beings could say they enjoyed this piece of shit.

The little shit in the suit in this film deserves to be dunked nude into a vat of electric eels (not killed mind you, just tortured like anyone who saw this movie).

Are you a proud owner of the Blues Brothers 2000 Nintendo 64 game? No? Join the rest of the world.

16.) Home Alone 3 (1997)

box office gross: $30.9 million

Gee, that first guy in the window doesn’t look TOO much like Daniel Stern does he? I love the first two Home Alone films, but this is a Christmas crime.

Somewhere Macauley Culkin was snorting blow off a male prostitute’s ass in anger.

What a banner year FOX had with this bomb and the film below…

17.) Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)

box office gross: $48 million

This disaster only cost $165 million to make, so let’s do the math here…$165 million to make, $48 million gross…equals BOMB.

It DID get a prestigious 8 Golden Raspberry nominations!

Speed was fun. Speed 2: Cruise Control was not. Take your pick, but to me, I’d rather have rhubarb rubbed on my nuts for three hours straight then endure this turd on the sea.

18.) Batman and Robin (1997)

box office gross: $107.3 million

This cinematic rectal exam almost killed off any other Batman films from ever being made.

Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze??? “Ice to see you” Arnie, you hack. Let’s not even bother talking about Robin.

George Clooney went into witness protection after this one.

19.) Rocky V (1990)

box office gross: $40 million

Yes, Sylvester Stallone seemed all smiles on the poster but even he admitted much later on, that Rocky V was a pile of snail shit.

It must have taken the producers years to come up with that creative tagline “Go For It”. Brilliant, guys. Of course, this starred professional boxer Tommy Morrison pre-HIV. Morrison was such a lovely chap, he had two wives at once.

Stallone would save the series in 2006 with Rocky Balboa which was actually well done (if not ludicrous) and made $156 million worldwide. A new Rocky film is being shot in Philly in 2015.

“Go for it” dude!

20.) Fletch Lives (1989)

box office gross: $35.1 million

Franchise dies.

21.) Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1993)

box office gross: $7.0 million

The real sacrifice was the 94 minutes it took to watch this embarrassment.

22.) Grease 2 (1982)

box office gross: $15.2 million

Michelle Pfeiffer looks worried about her future career on the poster and no wonder. Grease 2 was horrific and the songs were pathetic.

Maxwell Caulfield had a career before Grease 2 and was without one after it. Pfeiffer of course, did just fine. Two more sequels had been planned but after this mess, those plans were scrapped.

23.) Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

box office gross: $15.6 million

Superman was grounded for close to two decades after this cinematic abortion.

Christopher Reeve regretted the whole fiasco and Cannon Films basivally went bankrupt and pinched every penny making what was already a train wreck 100 times worse.

The film looked like shit and certainly was. After Superman III it was hard to believe another film got made, but then again, calling this a “film” is generous.

24.) Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991)

box office gross: $2.8 million

The original The Blue Lagoon was downright creepy and was outlandishly awful.

A decade later, why not an outlandishly awful sequel? This flop should’ve been dropped in a septic tank, not a lagoon.

Oh, if you’re looking for a lot of nudity, you’ll see more at a nude Abe Vigoda poetry slam and it will be more exciting.

25.) Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow (1994)

box office gross:

$0.1 million

We should all be surprised this debacle didn’t start another Cold War. This seventh-yes, SEVENTH Police Academy film would’ve had people fleeing theaters…that is, if anyone actually paid to see it.

The film “grossed” $126,247 in a mercifully brief theatrical run which at the very least did show that most Americans do have some common sense.

Nyet!

26.) Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj (2006)

box office gross: $6.1 million

Van Wilder: The Fall of Franchise.

27.) Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)

box office gross: $30.7 million

Regarded as one of the worst films in the history of cinema (not just as a sequel), Exorcist II: The Heretic is indeed, wretched. It takes a special kind of talent to ruin the genius of The Exorcist but director  John Boorman sure as hell did.

Never a good sign when people are still laughing as they leave a screening, and that’s precisely what happened. Even last-minute cuts, re-writes and edits didn’t save this disaster.

And what about all those poor locusts who gave their lives for this disgrace? I love this very stinging comment from The Exorcist director William Friedkin:

“I was at Technicolor and a guy said ‘We just finished a print of Exorcist II, do you wanna have a look at it?’ And I looked at half an hour of it and I thought it was as bad as seeing a traffic accident in the street. It was horrible. It’s just a stupid mess made by a dumb guy – John Boorman by name, somebody who should be nameless but in this case should be named. Scurrilous. A horrible picture.” 

Yep.

28.) Piranha II: The Spawning (1981)

box office gross: $1.2 million

Look, I LOVE underwater creature films. And, the first Piranha from 1978 was great fun with writing, effects and camp that worked perfectly.

The sequel here was a fishy mess, and yeah, it was indeed the directorial debut of James Cameron if you can believe that fish tale.

Cameron was fired during the making of the film by the clueless, bulbous Italian hack Ovidio Assonitis who gave us the woefully awful octopus thriller Tentacles which I happen to love in a bad way.

The idea of flying fish eating annoying tourists was just fine, but the murky look, bad writing and acting offered little evidence of Cameron’s genius. Then again, the film was drastically changed from what he had shot on a tight budget. There was some mediocre nudity and decent gore, but as far as scares go, the Charlie the Tuna guy had more bite.

TitanicAvatar, True LiesThe Abyss  and The Terminator to name but a few made slightly more money than this chum.

29.) Leprechaun: Origins (2015)

box office gross: $0.1 million

’tis a tragedy that this most unluckiest of charms ever existed.

I’ll come clean: I actually enjoyed the first three Leprechaun films and Leprechaun 2 actually holds special meaning for me (not because of the movie, but the company).

Yes, those films were hilarious and not scary, but damn did they make me laugh and Warwick Davis was…gold. Now, we have the dreaded franchise “re-boot” and it’s with some WWE wrestling dwarf named Hornswoggle. OK.

This movie has nothing to do with the following: Leprechaun, talent, scares and good directing.

There’s no luck o’ the Irish here, so after watching this no leaf clover, take a cold shower with some Irish Spring and forget what you’ve seen.

30.) Godzilla 1985 (1985)

box office gross: $4.1 million

Shit, did this piss me off.

As a lifelong Godzilla fan, I was sickened at how abysmal this piece of shit was. Mothra wouldn’t even dignify this atrocity by pooping on it.

New World Pictures would go out of business a few years later and this was one of the reasons why. This joke also had an animated featurette Bambi Meets Godzilla attached to it which was even worse than it sounds.

Godzilla 1985 ruined the Godzilla name for many, many years in North America and it wouldn’t be until 2000 that a Godzilla film finally appeared here again. By the way, the 2014 film Godzilla was damn good and a hit with a sequel on the way.

31.) It’s Alive III: Island of the Alive (1987)

box office gross: N/A

OK, I have a guilty pleasure in the first It’s Alive which was creepy, cheesy and devilishly good fun all at once. It Lives Again was just fine and hey, if we can have one demon baby killing milkmen, why not have three demon babies?

However, the third installment was putrid. Having them ostracized to an island and making AIDS commentary was laughable and misguided. The film barely played anywhere before quickly hitting the video stores and languishing on the shelf with the dust of the ashamed.

32. Daddy Day Camp (2007)

box office gross: $13.2 million

Let’s analyze a few things here:

Cuba Gooding Jr. is literally screaming at the end of his career and we get to watch it.

There’s a fat kid. There always is.

There’s a skunk because this film stinks.

And, can’t you just imagine the glee from the intern who came up with the tagline of “The Summer Is Going To Be In Tents”?

8 Golden Raspberry nominations is impressive as well as one win for Worst Prequel or Sequel!

How in the hell did this ever get approved by ANYONE with a college degree?

33.) Analyze That (2002)

box office gross: $32.1 million

Don’t Billy Crystal and Robert DeNiro just look like they feel the weight of disaster?

34.) Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

box office gross: $14.3 million

Even Jason wouldn’t see this one.

Most of this travesty takes place on a fuckin’ boat. Very little is in Manhattan and in fact, most of the filming was in Canada.

They should’ve taken a hatchet to director Rob Hedden and the script.

35.) The Concorde…Airport ’79 (1979)

box office gross: $13.0 million

This unintentionally hilarious disaster flick was just that-a disaster.

You want George Kennedy nude? Check.

You want special effects that look worse than something filmed on 8mm in your backyard? Check.

You want a bunch of has-been actors and actresses from TV hacking their way through poorly written dialogue? Check.

Jimmy “J.J.” Walker of Good Times as a Jazz saxophonist? Dyn-o-mite!

Sylvia Kristel of the quite naked Emmanuelle films trying to forget what she’s doing in this film all coked up? You got it!

Charo smuggling chihuahuas onto the plane while pretending to be blind? Of course!

Martha Raye constantly running into the bathroom with loose bowels? Shit yeah! (pun intended)

Any film starring John Davidson is trash and that’s what this, the 4th in the Airport series was. It’s outlandishly bad, even by late 70’s standards. When a guy shoots a flare from the cockpit any credibility goes out the window (and has more of a shot than a flare at Mach II speed).

Kennedy also spouts the line, “Why do you think they call it a COCKpit?” to a female stewardess which is, well, pathetic.

Someone is clearly trying to blow the Concorde up (and somehow it really is the Concorde in the film), and the maneuvers to avoid the would-be assassins are hilarious and poorly executed such as flying upside down and a model plane “crashing” into a forest of trees.

And yet, people get BACK on board for the rest of the flight!

This is a must see if you enjoy wretched cinema.

36.) Amityville 3-D (1983)

box office gross: $6.3 million

Hoo boy, was this a shitfest.

Awful 3-D effects, an awful script and a laughable demon made for a nice night of staying away from movie theaters and judging by the pitiful box office for this joke, that’s what people did in droves.

The tagline “WARNING: In this movie you are the victim” couldn’t have been any more accurate for anyone submitting themselves to this torture. Oh yeah, Meg Ryan was in this, but wishes she hadn’t been.

37.) Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988)

box office gross: $14.7 million

Careers on the rocks.

38.) Cocoon: The Return (1988)

box office gross: $18.9 million

Not only did nobody ask for, or want this sequel, but Wilfred Brimley’s highly-anticipated nude scene was cut! Sacrilege I say!

39.) Curse of the Pink Panther (1983)

box office gross: $3.4 million

What a fucking turkey this was.

Carrying on after the death of Peter Sellers was idiotic and making a pile of steaming garbage such as this was tragic.

Ted Wass was quite a choice, and he was last seen working at Arby’s.

Which leads to…

40.) Son of The Pink Panther (1993)

box office gross: $2.4 million

Yes, Roberto Benigni the idiot who we all loved for 5 seconds at the Oscars for Life is Beautiful was somehow allowed to continue his career after this blasphemy.

Even worse than its predecessor (and that’s saying something), this was a colossal flop after $28 million was spent on the turd. Arrivederci you Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee reject!

41.) The Odd Couple II (1988)

box office gross: $18.9 million

The Odd Couple II.

The jokes: zero.

42.) Jaws 3-D (1983)

box office gross: $42.2 million

The pain. The pain. The pain.

Jaws is one of the GREATEST films ever made (we already went over that). And ya know, Jaws 2  was a pretty good sequel though it had flaws.

However, the disgraces that the next two films were offers up the stench of anchovies, feet and Old Spice.

Jaws 3-D is so incompetent and inept, it’s mind-boggling. The 3-D effects are woeful and the acting and writing are piss-poor. Really, the acting blows! Only 5 Golden Raspberry nominations?

It’s such a shame that the Jaws name was attached to this whale vomit (a whale would throw up a shark not the other way around, so my bad joke works here).

43.) Little Fockers (2010)

box office gross: $148.4 million

Fock all of you.

44.) Meatballs III: Summer Job (1986)

box office gross: $2.1 million

Things I would not say to a chick at an office Christmas party #1: “I was in Meatballs III. Would you like to go back to my place”?

45.) The Next Karate Kid (1994)

box office gross: $8.9 million

Miyagi say this film like Kathy Bates nude: not good.

46.) Look Who’s Talking Too (1990)

box office gross: $47.8 million

Look who’s vomiting too?

Me!

47.) The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat (1974)

box office gross: $0.7 million

While the first one was a drugged-out piece of cat litter with animated cats and other animals screwing, drugging, killing and “fighting the man”, there wasn’t one damn soul asking for a follow-up.

This bomb actually saw a wasted Fritz hallucinating at one point that he was Hitler’s psychiatrist. Funny stuff. Not. Ever.

And dialogue was so concise and well written like this exchange between the cat and his “old lady”.

Old Lady: “You’re a no-good Fritz. What do you have to say for yourself?”

Fritz: “Suck my dick”.

Genius. Absolute genius.

48.) Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015)

box office gross: $69.3 million

Humanity gave up. It just gave up.

49.) The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006)

box office gross: $84.5 million

This film actually forced the cancellation of Christmas in 2006.

50.) Porky’s Revenge (1985)

box office gross: $20.5 million

The second one was awful enough. Not as awful as this poster, mind you.

There was quality nudity though.

And how the hell did they get Jeff Beck, Robert Plant, Dave Edmunds and George Harrison recording for the soundtrack to this inbred pile of yak droppings? I do not know.

 

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