Wretched monster movies #25: Barracuda (1978)


Another cool poster that did not tell the truth about the fishy contents of the film it promoted, Barracuda was an odd entry into this wonderful world of aquatic horrors.

When I saw this ad in the newspaper, I begged my Dad to take me to see it. In retrospect I’m glad he didn’t because I would not have been happy due to false advertising.

Why? Well, let’s discuss…

Barracuda has no idea in hell what it wants to be. Is it a Jaws ripoff? A boring spy thriller? A horror spoof like the awesome Piranha?

“That Heart song does kick ass, doesn’t it? Anyway, back to eating divers! Munch, munch, munch…”

Well, it’s a weird combo of carnivorous killer fish attacking the public sprinkled in with a possibly interesting ongoing thread involving devious, snazzy-dressed corporate dudes who are up to no good. The conspiracy angle would’ve been better served in another film, not this one. The acting is for the most part fine.

Most shocking is that the score is by keyboard legend Klaus Schulze of Tangerine Dream fame and his icy synthesizers and other keyboards are well-placed with the underwater sequences.

This trailer lets you know the film is called Barracuda about 200 times.

The underwater cinematography is pretty good, but a tad murky. There are some cool barracuda attacks, but after the last snack is achieved, the fish never reappear in the film’s final 30 minutes as the government cover-up dealing with glucose (believe it or not) takes over.

Back to the fishies, some of the attacks look OK but awkward due to closeups and tight camerawork but, at times we see why They Might Be Giants may have written “Put Your Hand Inside the Puppet Head”.

“Me hungry puppet. Feed me human arm”!

While the film starts as a promising fish romp, the government spy plot takes over and there’s also a useless side story where the townspeople are becoming agitated due to the glucose levels in the water just like the fish. This involves nothing more than what people normally do in public: act like assholes and treat each other like crap. And it’s hinted at, that maybe even the sheriff and his assistant are going to start acting like that because they’ve been drinking bottled water. But it never happens and is never addressed again.

The two main characters are a young marine biologist (who actually says “no” when the sheriff’s daughter wants to bump uglies) and the sheriff who is skeptical but later convinced of the government’s experiments on this small Florida beach town. The biologist is Wayne Crawford who also directed the underwater scenes, and William Kerwin is the sheriff. Both aren’t lead actors, but handle the material well enough. Harry Kerwin (William’s brother?) directs.

The sad thing is, as a young kid, once Barracuda aired on TV I wanted blood and killer fish. And though I got it, there was only some of that. I applaud what there was however.

“And tonight, I dine on human head with a dash of red wine! Oh, wait, that’s blood? Ah, as long as it’s vintage…”

The not naked lass who wants to bone the marine biologist is played Rebecca Leighton and she looked good in 70’s short-shorts (not pictured here). Another horror faux pas: get the nudity in there-it belongs!

“I just watched Barracuda…

So, in the end we find it’s the government testing on the town and the evil doctor was responsible, and the fish also got effected because of the illegal dumping into the ocean.

Sure, the film has some decent death scenes, but the fish disappear for the conspiracy angle and the pacing is dull. For anyone sold on the poster and the trailer which implies a fish feast on human flesh, you’d have every reason to be pissed.

“The Whaler was a better sandwich than the Filet O’ Fish! I’ll say it ’til my death”!

There is a gem of a scene where a girl throws a stick for a dog in the water and we fear this is a ripoff of Jaws where the pooch Pipett bites the dust.

But no…the dog comes back, but not with the stick, but a human head severed by the barracudas complete with his scuba gear still on! Yeah!

“AAAAGGGGHHHH! My bathing suit is terrible”!

Also of note, the bad guys win in the end which is a rather dour way to conclude things. So, let’s give the film points for trying something different, but let’s not get too crazy because when you make a film about man-eating fish we want the following: fish eating man, boobs, more fish eating man, more boobs and a dash of…boobs.

Sorry Barracuda, you don’t rock after all…

“You lyin’ so low in the weeds
I bet you gonna ambush me
You’d have me down, down, down, down on my knees
Now wouldn’t you? Barracuda”!

Fun facts:

1.) The fat sheriff’s assistant is played by Cliff Emmich who would get a hammer through his skull by Michael Myers in Halloween II in 1981.

2.) The film was shot on location in Pompano Beach and Ft. Lauderdale, FL in 1978. From 1977-1983 one of the more successful NASL soccer teams was the Ft. Lauderdale Strikers, and a new version of the Strikers play in the Division II version of the NASL today. This has nothing to do with anything, so you’re welcome.

3.) Klaus Schulze was an early member of German Prog Rock band Tangerine Dream and went on to do over 40 solo albums. And you didn’t. So there.

4.) Barracuda sank like a dead fish and disappeared from theaters quicker than a bag of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish. It also shown on TV sometimes (and not often) as The Lucifer Project which is also the name of the government plan that is discovered here.

5.) At one point someone makes a phone call and actually uses a real number-not a “555” number. Let’s call them tonight!

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Wretched monster movies #24: Island Claws (1980)


Are crabs scary?

Sexually, yes.

As creatures to flee from in terror?

Not so much.

Thus, we have Island Claws another Jaws knock-off which equals Jaws in the following ways: it has a beginning and an ending.

The scene on this box does not occur, but neither does anything good.

The movie’s plot involves some power plant in Florida that has covered up just how much waste escaped into the ocean from a leak.

Obviously that is the threadbare plot line that leads us to believe a bunch of crabs are marching in anger to the land to basically walk on the beaches and in the woods looking quite confused as if to say, “I know roles for crabs are shit these days in films, but we need a new agent”.

Director: “OK, guys-action”!

Crabs: “This IS action! We’re fuckin’ crabs, man”!

The opening credits are cheap and the music sounds like a samba which we see the crabs getting into.

A pretty reporter decides to do a story on a local lab doing work with crabs and it’s here where things make even less sense. We learn that the lab is experimenting with growth hormones and DNA in the crabs which is a no-no. So, who is to blame? The lab or the power plant? We never know. And yet, the crabs continue to be…crabs.

“Fear me silly humans. Now, it is my time to boil YOU”!

The local town is filled with morons you want to perish, especially the banjo-playing inbred named Amos. Amos lives in a bus which raises a whole series of questions I won’t bother with, but after he realizes he has crustacean visitors on the bus he begins screaming and swingin’ that ol’ banjo at them thar critters. He misses more often than not, but naturally he hits a lantern which falls to the ground and starts a fire.

The bus tips over and Amos and his banjo are soon strumming in hell. The crabs, their work done will then head toward town to change the damn menus offering up their brethren.

Here we have a trifecta of a crab, Amos and some more crabs.

The pretty reporter rides her bike, falls and sees crabs. She wonders…why so many crabs? And, why aren’t I driving a car?

She will be saved by her prospective boyfriend who works at the lab and now believes her stories, because aside from these bike-hating crabs we also find a giant shell which will lead to analysis at the lab o’ fools.

“What the shell”?

If you care, the woman is played by Jo McDonnell and the guy by Steve Hanks. They try well enough, but one guy who really does a nice job is the grizzled bar owner played by Robert Lansing (I think he owns the bar actually, but who cares? I do know one thing-he drinks a lot as does this whole flea-bitten town).

Speaking of flea-bitten…the local mutt Trouble proves aptly named as the crabs feast on his fur and the dog becomes the Shaggy D.O.A. (That was pretty clever on my part I must say).

“I just wanted to try some seafood”.

And how do we know these crabs are murderous? Well, we hear a sound equivalent to a typewriter ticking away when they are nearby plotting their attack which involves…walking like crabs.

There’s an odd side story involving Haitian immigrants sneaking onto the island and blamed by the town drunks for the killings (the theory at least makes more sense than giant crabs), but Lansing’s character sees the people with a sick child and offers help and soon the giant crab we’ve all been waiting for (at least sort of) shows up and starts killing and destroying things uniting one and all.

Though the crab is a pretty cool design, the creature moves awkwardly and also roars and grunts (WHY do all creatures do this in horror movies? Even spiders???)

“I know and you know and the audience knows that I can pretty much walk away and you won’t catch me Mr. Giant Crab, but it’s my duty to stand here and fight you to the death, so let’s dance”!

The final showdown is as cheesy as you’d expect with people standing still as the crab’s pincers invite them to death. Finally, our two heroes jump on top of the fucker and stab it with darts loaded with rat poison which naturally kills a giant crab, because that’s why it’s called RAT poison! Duh.

At least we do get the giant crab for the last 10-15 minutes of the film which is rather dull otherwise and also starts then drops several different storylines. A lot of the film is so damn dark and poorly lit that the viewer can’t even see a damn thing which is probably the intention.

The acting ranges from mediocre to good so it’s not the actors’ fault. Director Hernan Cardenas would never work again and the film was funded by Hernan and his brother Dario which was interesting seeing as they somehow spent $3.5 million on this lousy film.

The Cardenas brothers had another sibling in Gabriel who was the brother-in-law of noted Medellin Cartel boss Jorge Ochoa and word is, that a lot of cocaine money went into the crab bisque that made this cinematic masterpiece! (I’m not making that up).

“Shit, that Hawaiian Snow was ass-wicked dude!”

Island Claws has flaws (and that rhymes), but it is kinda fun and definitely cheesy. I have seen way worse in this genre and the acting isn’t bad at all. The crab is pretty kick-ass, but the poor guy can only do so much.

However, the scenes in pitch black darkness (and there’s too much of it) are laughable, and the subplots never get revisited or finished. The deaths are lame and the idea that people couldn’t simply step out of the way of normal-sized crabs walking around like they’re drunk on Old Bay seasoning and rum is pathetic.

The dialogue at times is hilarious. At one point, someone asks how the coffee is at the lab, and Steve Hanks’s character replies, “It’s good, if you like coffee”. What the fuck does that mean? I doubt anyone knows.

Island Claws most likely never played theaters in 1980 but it went to home video and played on CBS and cable quite often (my pals and I rented it on VHS somewhere around 1983 or so). It finally had a DVD and Blu-Ray release by Scorpion Video in 2014, but why you would need this on Blu-Ray is beyond me, unless you need high resolution of scenes in total darkness.

Just remember next time you see 2,000 angry crabs (yes, that’s how many were rounded up for the film) to scream and run and fall. Or, step aside and keep walking.

“Rhythm’s gonna get ya”!

Fun facts:

1.) The giant crab was made for $500,000 and was designed by none other than Oscar-winning effects man Glen Robinson (not the former NBA star) who just 4 years earlier had designed the giant ape in King Kong. From King Kong to Island Claws? Ouch.

2.) This film is also known as Night of the Claw. Now you know.

3.) Ricou Browning co-wrote this movie. He was the actual creature in Creature from the Black Lagoon in 1954. So, he knows crabs personally.

Island Claws (1980):

2 beagles out of 4 for awfulness

Q: Should you see Island Claws?

A: Is there a Santa Claws? Of course there is, and thus you should see this and expect little. Go in with a good attitude, and please don’t be crabby.

 

 

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50 film sequels nobody ever asked for


I haven’t done a blog entry in a long time because I was writing a music book and that is due early next year. More on that later. But it is now time to return with something painful.

We know Hollywood has run out of ideas. This happened decades ago. However, it is still mystifying to look back and ahead at the numerous sequels that have infected society over the years.

This will be painful, I warn you. But it is necessary to laugh and laugh we will at just some of the wretched sequels that nobody in their right mind would ever have asked for or thought could have possibly made more than $1.35 at the box office.

This list is in no particular order and I am not including direct to video sequels because those are all shit and far too easy a target.

I could’ve included far more films than this, but it was too painful to go much further.

1.) Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993)

box office gross: $12.7 million

I loved the original Weekend At Bernie’s from 1989. It was original, funny and stupid in a good way. The sequel however, was abysmal and the idea of adding voodoo into the mix was a good idea to who, exactly?

The tagline of “Bernie’s Back…And He’s Still Dead!” was obviously the creation of a lowly intern.

2.) Teen Wolf Too (1987)

box office gross: $7.9 million

Words that probably very few have uttered in the history of the world: “Two tickets for Teen Wolf Too please”.

I love Jason Bateman-he’s so damn funny in that deadpan way, and he is brilliant on Arrested Development. Good lord, who did he wrong to be in this debacle?

Just look at this shitty poster. I’m guessing we’re supposed to be laughing that he’s reading State Leash Laws and The Wolfman Cometh? Well, this wolfman cometh and goeth from theaters quicker than people attending a Biz Markie concert.

3.) Conan the Destroyer (1984)

box office gross: $31 million

Here’s a great idea: let’s get Grace Jones, Mako AND Wilt Chamberlain to star in a Conan sequel with Arnold Schwarzenegger!

Two great things about Conan The Destroyer: (1.) It ends and (2.) It’s some of the finest unintentional comedy one can enjoy.

4.) Son of the Mask (2005)

box office gross: $17.0 million

Jamie Kennedy, you are a menace to humanity.

Bob Hoskins must still punish himself daily for being in this abomination.

5.) Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)

box office gross: $9.4 million

Regarded as one of the worst films in cinematic history, Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 raises a whole host of questions.

Did everyone associated with this film live in shame with scorn as they deserved? Did these children ever erase the psychological scars of having been mentally abused by their parents by signing them up for this piece of whale shit?

Scott Baio? Well, it was kinda his destiny to be in this. But what about Jon Voight? First you bit Kramer’s arm and now this. Sad.

When you’ve earned a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, you’ve achieved a special place in cinematic hell.

6.)  Mannequin Two: On the Move (1991)

box office gross: $3.7 million

The first Mannequin was sickening enough, as was the Starship’s #1 song “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” from the soundtrack, but here we go with a sequel that approximately 3 people asked for, all of whom are on this poster.

7.) Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983)

box office gross: $7 million

This pile of quail sperm set new lows in cinematic history.

Initially, this pitiful mess was known as Smokey IS The Bandit with Jackie Gleason playing both roles. Test audiences hated it, so the producers went back and begged Jerry Reed to come back and become the next Bandit. Burt Reynolds has a cameo at the end and probably was forced to appear due to incriminating photos of he and an alpaca in sex games.

This mvoie also uses stock footage from the first two films. The original movie made over $300 million. This one? A robust $7 million.

8.) The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000)

Box office gross: $35.2 million

This was a kick in the rocks to every executive at Universal involved with this dreck. No dinopeptic germ could have saved this joke from failure.

9. Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

box office gross: $20.8 million

Jaws is one of the greatest films ever made.

Jaws: The Revenge is not.

A great quote from Michael Caine about being in this piece of fish shit: “I have never seen it [the film], but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific”!

If only I had been as fortunate as Caine and had not seen this laughable fuckfest. Yeah, my friends and I paid to see this in theaters.

Somewhere from beyond Quint is ready to kick my ass for doing so.

10.) Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005)

box office gross: $22.4 million

Answering all of the questions that had been plaguing people since the first film, here’s your sequel folks!

Rob Schenider defies logic, but he has more money than I will ever see. Keep licking Adam Sandler’s nutsack Rob,  it’s been working so far!

11.) C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud (1988)

box office gross: N/A

C.H.U.D. remains a cult classic. It was campy, schlocky horror and I proudly still have my ticket stub from 1984 when I saw it in theaters.

Here, we have a sequel from 1988 that was unwelcome. Turning C.H.U.D. into a zombie comedy was probably a great idea on smack, but in reality, not so much. How dare they tarnish the C.H.U.D. name!

12.) Caddyshack II (1988)

box office gross: $11.8 million

Don’t they all look so happy?

Knowing that they were in one of the worst films of all-time, they shouldn’t have been.

Rodney Dangerfield wisely backed out of this travesty, but Chevy Chase, the only boob from the first film desperate enough to appear rightfully felt shame.

Jackie Mason? REALLY? Could they have picked anyone more unfunny? And, making the gopher talk? For fuck’s sake! At least Bill Murray sued over that as a co-creator of the furry guy and won.

Let’s just say Caddyshack II was way under par. (Too easy?)

13.) Basic Instinct 2 (2006)

box office gross: $6.0 million

Even the promise of Sharon Stone’s nether-regions couldn’t drag anyone into theaters to see this sham.

One of the biggest box office disasters ever, it cost $70 million and grossed $6 million (although overseas it did far better because people there are stupid).

Basic Instinct II will leave you laughing and limp of penis. Enjoy.

14.) The Bad News Bears go to Japan (1978)

box office gross: $7.1 million

A big swing and a miss here.

Tony Curtis as the manager? Worse than Philippe Aumont’s career ERA (never heard of that bum? Check out his career stats with the Phillies and cry).

Note that the poster says “All New! Never Seen Before!”. How right they were…it still hasn’t been seen.

15.) Blues Brothers 2000 (1998)

box office gross: $14 million

John Belushi needs to come back and kick Dan Ackroyd’s ass for this disgrace. I never even liked the original, but I doubt any human beings could say they enjoyed this piece of shit.

The little shit in the suit in this film deserves to be dunked nude into a vat of electric eels (not killed mind you, just tortured like anyone who saw this movie).

Are you a proud owner of the Blues Brothers 2000 Nintendo 64 game? No? Join the rest of the world.

16.) Home Alone 3 (1997)

box office gross: $30.9 million

Gee, that first guy in the window doesn’t look TOO much like Daniel Stern does he? I love the first two Home Alone films, but this is a Christmas crime.

Somewhere Macauley Culkin was snorting blow off a male prostitute’s ass in anger.

What a banner year FOX had with this bomb and the film below…

17.) Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)

box office gross: $48 million

This disaster only cost $165 million to make, so let’s do the math here…$165 million to make, $48 million gross…equals BOMB.

It DID get a prestigious 8 Golden Raspberry nominations!

Speed was fun. Speed 2: Cruise Control was not. Take your pick, but to me, I’d rather have rhubarb rubbed on my nuts for three hours straight then endure this turd on the sea.

18.) Batman and Robin (1997)

box office gross: $107.3 million

This cinematic rectal exam almost killed off any other Batman films from ever being made.

Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze??? “Ice to see you” Arnie, you hack. Let’s not even bother talking about Robin.

George Clooney went into witness protection after this one.

19.) Rocky V (1990)

box office gross: $40 million

Yes, Sylvester Stallone seemed all smiles on the poster but even he admitted much later on, that Rocky V was a pile of snail shit.

It must have taken the producers years to come up with that creative tagline “Go For It”. Brilliant, guys. Of course, this starred professional boxer Tommy Morrison pre-HIV. Morrison was such a lovely chap, he had two wives at once.

Stallone would save the series in 2006 with Rocky Balboa which was actually well done (if not ludicrous) and made $156 million worldwide. A new Rocky film is being shot in Philly in 2015.

“Go for it” dude!

20.) Fletch Lives (1989)

box office gross: $35.1 million

Franchise dies.

21.) Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1993)

box office gross: $7.0 million

The real sacrifice was the 94 minutes it took to watch this embarrassment.

22.) Grease 2 (1982)

box office gross: $15.2 million

Michelle Pfeiffer looks worried about her future career on the poster and no wonder. Grease 2 was horrific and the songs were pathetic.

Maxwell Caulfield had a career before Grease 2 and was without one after it. Pfeiffer of course, did just fine. Two more sequels had been planned but after this mess, those plans were scrapped.

23.) Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

box office gross: $15.6 million

Superman was grounded for close to two decades after this cinematic abortion.

Christopher Reeve regretted the whole fiasco and Cannon Films basivally went bankrupt and pinched every penny making what was already a train wreck 100 times worse.

The film looked like shit and certainly was. After Superman III it was hard to believe another film got made, but then again, calling this a “film” is generous.

24.) Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991)

box office gross: $2.8 million

The original The Blue Lagoon was downright creepy and was outlandishly awful.

A decade later, why not an outlandishly awful sequel? This flop should’ve been dropped in a septic tank, not a lagoon.

Oh, if you’re looking for a lot of nudity, you’ll see more at a nude Abe Vigoda poetry slam and it will be more exciting.

25.) Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow (1994)

box office gross:

$0.1 million

We should all be surprised this debacle didn’t start another Cold War. This seventh-yes, SEVENTH Police Academy film would’ve had people fleeing theaters…that is, if anyone actually paid to see it.

The film “grossed” $126,247 in a mercifully brief theatrical run which at the very least did show that most Americans do have some common sense.

Nyet!

26.) Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj (2006)

box office gross: $6.1 million

Van Wilder: The Fall of Franchise.

27.) Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)

box office gross: $30.7 million

Regarded as one of the worst films in the history of cinema (not just as a sequel), Exorcist II: The Heretic is indeed, wretched. It takes a special kind of talent to ruin the genius of The Exorcist but director  John Boorman sure as hell did.

Never a good sign when people are still laughing as they leave a screening, and that’s precisely what happened. Even last-minute cuts, re-writes and edits didn’t save this disaster.

And what about all those poor locusts who gave their lives for this disgrace? I love this very stinging comment from The Exorcist director William Friedkin:

“I was at Technicolor and a guy said ‘We just finished a print of Exorcist II, do you wanna have a look at it?’ And I looked at half an hour of it and I thought it was as bad as seeing a traffic accident in the street. It was horrible. It’s just a stupid mess made by a dumb guy – John Boorman by name, somebody who should be nameless but in this case should be named. Scurrilous. A horrible picture.” 

Yep.

28.) Piranha II: The Spawning (1981)

box office gross: $1.2 million

Look, I LOVE underwater creature films. And, the first Piranha from 1978 was great fun with writing, effects and camp that worked perfectly.

The sequel here was a fishy mess, and yeah, it was indeed the directorial debut of James Cameron if you can believe that fish tale.

Cameron was fired during the making of the film by the clueless, bulbous Italian hack Ovidio Assonitis who gave us the woefully awful octopus thriller Tentacles which I happen to love in a bad way.

The idea of flying fish eating annoying tourists was just fine, but the murky look, bad writing and acting offered little evidence of Cameron’s genius. Then again, the film was drastically changed from what he had shot on a tight budget. There was some mediocre nudity and decent gore, but as far as scares go, the Charlie the Tuna guy had more bite.

TitanicAvatar, True LiesThe Abyss  and The Terminator to name but a few made slightly more money than this chum.

29.) Leprechaun: Origins (2015)

box office gross: $0.1 million

’tis a tragedy that this most unluckiest of charms ever existed.

I’ll come clean: I actually enjoyed the first three Leprechaun films and Leprechaun 2 actually holds special meaning for me (not because of the movie, but the company).

Yes, those films were hilarious and not scary, but damn did they make me laugh and Warwick Davis was…gold. Now, we have the dreaded franchise “re-boot” and it’s with some WWE wrestling dwarf named Hornswoggle. OK.

This movie has nothing to do with the following: Leprechaun, talent, scares and good directing.

There’s no luck o’ the Irish here, so after watching this no leaf clover, take a cold shower with some Irish Spring and forget what you’ve seen.

30.) Godzilla 1985 (1985)

box office gross: $4.1 million

Shit, did this piss me off.

As a lifelong Godzilla fan, I was sickened at how abysmal this piece of shit was. Mothra wouldn’t even dignify this atrocity by pooping on it.

New World Pictures would go out of business a few years later and this was one of the reasons why. This joke also had an animated featurette Bambi Meets Godzilla attached to it which was even worse than it sounds.

Godzilla 1985 ruined the Godzilla name for many, many years in North America and it wouldn’t be until 2000 that a Godzilla film finally appeared here again. By the way, the 2014 film Godzilla was damn good and a hit with a sequel on the way.

31.) It’s Alive III: Island of the Alive (1987)

box office gross: N/A

OK, I have a guilty pleasure in the first It’s Alive which was creepy, cheesy and devilishly good fun all at once. It Lives Again was just fine and hey, if we can have one demon baby killing milkmen, why not have three demon babies?

However, the third installment was putrid. Having them ostracized to an island and making AIDS commentary was laughable and misguided. The film barely played anywhere before quickly hitting the video stores and languishing on the shelf with the dust of the ashamed.

32. Daddy Day Camp (2007)

box office gross: $13.2 million

Let’s analyze a few things here:

Cuba Gooding Jr. is literally screaming at the end of his career and we get to watch it.

There’s a fat kid. There always is.

There’s a skunk because this film stinks.

And, can’t you just imagine the glee from the intern who came up with the tagline of “The Summer Is Going To Be In Tents”?

8 Golden Raspberry nominations is impressive as well as one win for Worst Prequel or Sequel!

How in the hell did this ever get approved by ANYONE with a college degree?

33.) Analyze That (2002)

box office gross: $32.1 million

Don’t Billy Crystal and Robert DeNiro just look like they feel the weight of disaster?

34.) Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

box office gross: $14.3 million

Even Jason wouldn’t see this one.

Most of this travesty takes place on a fuckin’ boat. Very little is in Manhattan and in fact, most of the filming was in Canada.

They should’ve taken a hatchet to director Rob Hedden and the script.

35.) The Concorde…Airport ’79 (1979)

box office gross: $13.0 million

This unintentionally hilarious disaster flick was just that-a disaster.

You want George Kennedy nude? Check.

You want special effects that look worse than something filmed on 8mm in your backyard? Check.

You want a bunch of has-been actors and actresses from TV hacking their way through poorly written dialogue? Check.

Jimmy “J.J.” Walker of Good Times as a Jazz saxophonist? Dyn-o-mite!

Sylvia Kristel of the quite naked Emmanuelle films trying to forget what she’s doing in this film all coked up? You got it!

Charo smuggling chihuahuas onto the plane while pretending to be blind? Of course!

Martha Raye constantly running into the bathroom with loose bowels? Shit yeah! (pun intended)

Any film starring John Davidson is trash and that’s what this, the 4th in the Airport series was. It’s outlandishly bad, even by late 70’s standards. When a guy shoots a flare from the cockpit any credibility goes out the window (and has more of a shot than a flare at Mach II speed).

Kennedy also spouts the line, “Why do you think they call it a COCKpit?” to a female stewardess which is, well, pathetic.

Someone is clearly trying to blow the Concorde up (and somehow it really is the Concorde in the film), and the maneuvers to avoid the would-be assassins are hilarious and poorly executed such as flying upside down and a model plane “crashing” into a forest of trees.

And yet, people get BACK on board for the rest of the flight!

This is a must see if you enjoy wretched cinema.

36.) Amityville 3-D (1983)

box office gross: $6.3 million

Hoo boy, was this a shitfest.

Awful 3-D effects, an awful script and a laughable demon made for a nice night of staying away from movie theaters and judging by the pitiful box office for this joke, that’s what people did in droves.

The tagline “WARNING: In this movie you are the victim” couldn’t have been any more accurate for anyone submitting themselves to this torture. Oh yeah, Meg Ryan was in this, but wishes she hadn’t been.

37.) Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988)

box office gross: $14.7 million

Careers on the rocks.

38.) Cocoon: The Return (1988)

box office gross: $18.9 million

Not only did nobody ask for, or want this sequel, but Wilfred Brimley’s highly-anticipated nude scene was cut! Sacrilege I say!

39.) Curse of the Pink Panther (1983)

box office gross: $3.4 million

What a fucking turkey this was.

Carrying on after the death of Peter Sellers was idiotic and making a pile of steaming garbage such as this was tragic.

Ted Wass was quite a choice, and he was last seen working at Arby’s.

Which leads to…

40.) Son of The Pink Panther (1993)

box office gross: $2.4 million

Yes, Roberto Benigni the idiot who we all loved for 5 seconds at the Oscars for Life is Beautiful was somehow allowed to continue his career after this blasphemy.

Even worse than its predecessor (and that’s saying something), this was a colossal flop after $28 million was spent on the turd. Arrivederci you Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee reject!

41.) The Odd Couple II (1988)

box office gross: $18.9 million

The Odd Couple II.

The jokes: zero.

42.) Jaws 3-D (1983)

box office gross: $42.2 million

The pain. The pain. The pain.

Jaws is one of the GREATEST films ever made (we already went over that). And ya know, Jaws 2  was a pretty good sequel though it had flaws.

However, the disgraces that the next two films were offers up the stench of anchovies, feet and Old Spice.

Jaws 3-D is so incompetent and inept, it’s mind-boggling. The 3-D effects are woeful and the acting and writing are piss-poor. Really, the acting blows! Only 5 Golden Raspberry nominations?

It’s such a shame that the Jaws name was attached to this whale vomit (a whale would throw up a shark not the other way around, so my bad joke works here).

43.) Little Fockers (2010)

box office gross: $148.4 million

Fock all of you.

44.) Meatballs III: Summer Job (1986)

box office gross: $2.1 million

Things I would not say to a chick at an office Christmas party #1: “I was in Meatballs III. Would you like to go back to my place”?

45.) The Next Karate Kid (1994)

box office gross: $8.9 million

Miyagi say this film like Kathy Bates nude: not good.

46.) Look Who’s Talking Too (1990)

box office gross: $47.8 million

Look who’s vomiting too?

Me!

47.) The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat (1974)

box office gross: $0.7 million

While the first one was a drugged-out piece of cat litter with animated cats and other animals screwing, drugging, killing and “fighting the man”, there wasn’t one damn soul asking for a follow-up.

This bomb actually saw a wasted Fritz hallucinating at one point that he was Hitler’s psychiatrist. Funny stuff. Not. Ever.

And dialogue was so concise and well written like this exchange between the cat and his “old lady”.

Old Lady: “You’re a no-good Fritz. What do you have to say for yourself?”

Fritz: “Suck my dick”.

Genius. Absolute genius.

48.) Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015)

box office gross: $69.3 million

Humanity gave up. It just gave up.

49.) The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006)

box office gross: $84.5 million

This film actually forced the cancellation of Christmas in 2006.

50.) Porky’s Revenge (1985)

box office gross: $20.5 million

The second one was awful enough. Not as awful as this poster, mind you.

There was quality nudity though.

And how the hell did they get Jeff Beck, Robert Plant, Dave Edmunds and George Harrison recording for the soundtrack to this inbred pile of yak droppings? I do not know.

 

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Wretched monster movies #23: The Boogens (1981)


Watch out for them boogens!

There was something in the coal mines way, way back and there still is, we learn.

The setting is a snowy Colorado locale where a mine is being reopened for the first time in decades. Two buddies who have taken the job go in with an older worker who goes ahead checking if things are safe.

Some things have to be blown up in the mine to open up space and an odd old man is watching it all from afar mysteriously.

About 20 minutes into the movie we see a woman in a cabin alone. She hears a noise, grabs a knife but gets drug into the basement by something evil!

“If only my nightshirt was just a little bit shorter…”

This woman was checking in on a cabin that had been purchased by one of the two mining douchebags. She’d dead now, but the mining guys will be mining some girls soon at the cabin (they hope). One is a girlfriend and her friend will be set up with the other guy. They arrive first.

They bring an annoying little shitbag dog named Tiger who you root for the boogens to eat right away.

“Boogens n’ bits, Boogens n’ bits, I want my Boogens n’ Bits”.

One of the girls wants to take a bath but the water is ice cold. What to do? Go to the dark basement and find a hot water heater, and be scared and hear a noise…only to see that stupid-ass hound jump out with a fake scare.

“Hello? Boogens? Come out and play-y-ay!”.

The next day the miners discover a natural cavern deep in the mine with a pool. They also find plenty of human skulls and bones-enough reason for me to get the fuck out of there, but not these guys.

We do get a gratuitous butt scene around 32 minutes in for those who need such things (such as myself).

“Butt why?”

Our couples go out for dinner and leave the pooch alone. Or so he thinks! Perhaps a boogen or two will hang out with the little creep?

45 minutes in and we’ve seen fewer boogens than in one’s nose.

So….one of the guys has to leave the dinner and drinks and go back to the cabin on this snowy night to get up super-early for the mining job.

The others stay at the bar shooting pool while we get to see a nauseating, budding romance with the “setup couple” build like a giant poop with corn in it.

At least we finally have some action when the guy in the cabin awakens to noise. He dismisses it and goes to the garage to start up the truck but gets pulled under, sliced and diced by something with claws. Yay!

“Bdhgueukkedlld…fuck-I’m dead.”

Proving to be a rather easy lay, the blind date is working out well as our new couple are rolling around naked in front of the fireplace. After their disgusting 80’s lovemaking is over, the guy leaves her lying naked in bed the next morning. Did she want to be covered up with her perky nipples in the Colorado cold? Nah-just let her lay there for some side boob!

“Thank you for letting me suck your boogens last night”.

We will find out that one of the miners survived the so-called “Black Friday Mining Disaster of 1948″. Who was this miner? Do we care?

And now the oversexed dude (who never actually got his) is missing (we know he’s dead in the garage). So, his chick decides to take a shower (no nudity-boo fucking hiss), while the little shit Tiger doesn’t like the awful sounds from the basement. It takes 1 hour and 10 minutes for even THAT to happen.

Tiger tries to get his owner to come out of the shower (I would too pal!), but to no avail. He then goes to the kitchen where he actually sees some boogens claws moving upward and he backs away in horror.

It is at this point I must say this dog has acting chops! Seriously-he’s a real actor and shows more emotion and skill than the average human actor. He’s still annoying though. Shame he won’t survive, as he gets pulled down by the boogens!

It does get the girl out of the shower though…in a damn towel.

Why can’t the boogens do the right thing and yank off her towel???

She will get stalked and slashed and clawed and it’s all in Boogens Vision from their point of view, which means we basically see jack shit. Somehow it’s cool anyway.

Meanwhile, the over/undersexed dude’s body is pulled out of the water in the mines by the two older workers and then the old man appears and finally speaks of the horrors. How did it get there from the house? Do boogens hail cabs or something?

Now the old man is telling us it was his Dad who survived and he felt his one job all these years was to keep the mines closed and not let the boogens out. He (correctly) blames the miners and as he’s telling them, the one miner still in the water gets swooped in by a boogen tentacle and is dragged to his watery death.

In the end, we get down to the new couple (since the older one is dead), and they are in the basement of the house where we FINALLY see a frickin’ boogen. The boogen chomps a police officer’s face in a nasty way. And what does a boogen look like you ask?

Glad you asked…

“I.” “Iz”. “Boogen”.

Boogens are scaly, slimy creatures with bug eyes, fangs and tentacles and seem to both live water and on land. They are not nice, nor do they like indoor soccer, clowns, Bon Jovi or common core Math (it’s true).

The boogens get killed and burned as a gas leak conveniently occurs, so our couple flee and the house gets all blown up. They are now underneath the house leading back to the mines where they encounter the surviving older  miner. Of course, he won’t be around long as a boogen lashes his tentacle around the old guy’s throat.

The couple gets out of the mine and blows it up, allegedly sealing it up, the shitty musics cues right away and that’s a wrap.

Why do I , and many others like The Boogens? Well, it’s well-done for what it is, and the writing/acting is actually more than acceptable.

The payoff isn’t great, but the monsters are kinda neat. There’s far worse horror flicks than The Boogens, and Stephen King himself has been quoted as being a fan.

A couple of nagging questions: how did the boogens get around? Why the combo of dry land and water for their travels? With no full shot of the creature, no way to tell what their bodies looked like. Ah, but why quibble about a boogen? Life is too short!

Fun Facts:

1.) The film was set in Colorado but actually was shot in Park City, Utah now home of the Sundance Film Festival where The Boogens would most certainly not be shown.

2.) Director James L. Conway had already directed Hangar 18, and In Search Of Noah’s Ark which I actually saw in theaters in 1976. He went on to direct many TV shows such as MacGyverStar Trek: EnterpriseStar Trek: The Next Generation, and Charmed. No boogens appeared in these shows.

3.) The Boogens had a budget of only $600,000 but made over $3 million.

4.) Somehow, The Boogens had never been on DVD before, but it is now on both DVD and Blu Ray as of 2012.

The Boogens (1981):

1/2

1 1/2 beagles out of 4 for awfulness. (The Boogens is actually good).

Q: Should you see The Boogens?

A: Be prepared not to see the creatures until the last 10 minutes, but it’s fun and you get a little bit o’ butt. Boogens and boobs. I say win.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Wretched monster movies #22: The White Buffalo (1977)


After the amazing success of Jaws, any creature was fair game to hit the screens munching on unsuspecting humans. What a wonderful world.

That world would include the oddball 1977 flick The White Buffalo starring Charles Bronson as “Wild Bill” Hickok haunted by…you guessed it-a giant white buffalo.

After seeing this poster and the trailers on TV, I knew I had to beg my Dad to take me to see it, and he did just that. Directed by J. Lee Thompson and also starring Clint Walker, Slim Pickens, Stuart Whitman, Jack Warden, Will Sampson and even Kim Novak this was a strange one for sure.

Dino De Laurentiis produced this movie and he also was responsible for Orca that year and 1976’s remake of King Kong.

The idea here was that Will Bill Hickok was haunted by visions of this giant white buffalo that he knew was not just myth. Also after the elusive beast was Crazy Horse (not Neil Young’s backing band by the way), played here very well by Will Sampson (also in Orca that year).

The year is 1874, and Will Bill is basically having a Moby Dick-styled meltdown with these visions that are haunting him as his life begins to fade. He goes under an alias back to an area of the country by train where he has made numerous enemies, but he is searching for clues on this creature. There are some awful scenes in a saloon, and of course some gunfights, as well as a pointless romantic interest in Kim Novak’s character, but it’s all abut them thar big-ass buffalo which Novak still proudly had at that point!

“I’m much obliged to let you feel my loins Wild Bill!”

So, Wild Bill and his trusty (sort-of) sidekick Charlie Zane (played by Warden) traverse to the Black Hills for a creature that may or may not exist.

“I tell ya, Buffalo ain’t been the same at quarterback since Jim Kelly retired, ya know what I’m sayin’?”

The pair will encounter an American Indian who is well-known as Crazy Horse and they form an alliance though it is fraught with tension as Charlie is an old racist sonnabitch and don’t like their new pal too much.

“Neil Young can be very difficult to work with, but the results are worth it. And please don’t litter”.

Crazy Horse is pissed because the white buffalo has steamrolled through his encampment and killed his daughter. He seeketh revenge. For some bizarre reason, until Crazy Horse slays the beast he is to be referred to as Worm. Um, OK then.

Anyway, when the buffalo starts appearing, he seems to be in full attack mode, but also seems to look like a pissed-off lamb hopping and skipping along.

“Baa?”

Some of the scenes in the film are awkward as hell, especially when Wild Bill and Crazy Horse use sign language to communicate all the while speaking English out loud at one another!

Bronson also spouts off a bunch of pretentious lines of New Age nonsense that he doesn’t seem very convinced by (and neither would I). But ya know what? He’s Charles fucking Bronson, and who cares? His screen presence still works here and he does fairly well of playing a legendary, violent outlaw coming to the end of his life with failing vision and other signs of age.

“Am I shooting my career in the ass?”

The buffalo scenes are a mix of ineptitude that shows a creature making moves that are obvious it is on tracks and moving in only one direction-straight. At other times, the close-ups of the beast (especially the eyes and snout) work rather well as does the menacing score by John Barry of James Bond fame.

The film never reaches that “scary” level, but the build-up to the final battle is pretty good. The climax however leaves one unfulfilled, as it feels things got a bit rushed and/or trimmed due to budget constraints. I always dug the buffalo charging like a steam-train (was that the intent?). Barreling through the snow with steam coming from the snout was pretty kick-ass too.

“Rip. Snarl. Snort.”

The White Buffalo misses whatever mark it was going for, but it is a highly unique cinematic experience that is part Western, part Horror, part Fantasy, part Adventure, part Drama equaling all weird. Due to the oddity of it and the strange mix of styles, it is a worthy film only because it has no idea what the hell it wants to be!

Of course, Crazy Horse and Wild Bill prevail, and we really don’t know what the fuck we’ve just watched. I do know if I had Kim Novak waiting for me, my spurs would be jangling with her and not chasing some giant monster in the snow.

“I am no longer a worm! By the way, you’re really furry and warm-sorry about the arrows.”

“Ted Nugent and his song blow and he can kiss my very white ass!”

The movie bombed with critics and at the box office and ended a long-running relationship between Bronson and United Artists Pictures. Oh well.

Ya know, I have an affection for this one, and despite the numerous flaws I like it. So there. Also, it’s finally on a proper DVD and the transfer is very nice, so saddle up and buy it.

Fun Facts:

1. The White Buffalo had the ignominy of opening just 2 weeks before a little film called Star Wars in May 1977.

2. Carlo Rambaldi designed the creature and would later design a critter named E.T.

3. The film was shot at both a soundstage (and looks it unfortunately at times) and on location in California, New Mexico and Colorado. The locale in California was called Bronson Canyon. Really.

The White Buffalo (1977):

2 out of 4 for awfulness

Q: Should you see The White Buffalo?

A: Yes. It’s weird, intriguing, poorly edited and bizarre all at once. Sounds like a good time to me-and it was!

 

 

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40 Naked, Shameful Book/Magazine/Comic Book Covers to Be Baffled By (NOT SAFE FOR WORK)


If a picture is worth a thousand words, than a naked picture WITH words must be worth thousands of dollars! Unless of course, the picture is wretched. Thus, we have some of the most abysmal book covers and magazines (and some comic books) with nudity on them.

Titillating, you might say?

Limp penis, I say.

Let us explore-and do remember-I hold no responsibility for the images you will be shuddering into the night from…

1. The Naked Sun by Issac Asimov

Nice “transformer” ya got there dude! This guy is hung to epic proportions and it seems the robot behind him has penis envy, cursing the skies

2. Naked Yoga

Looks like the cover for a Hammer horror movie from the 70’s. I’m waiting for some guy in nothing but a top hat, monocle and fig leaf to pop out from behind the curtain. Stretch those buttocks!

3. Mooney-Midnight Lovers in a 9 0’Clock Town  by William Brown Meloney

Pretty sure this dude is only interested in pleasuring himself in the bushes, so the naked lass has little to worry about.

4. The Big Whip-Off

This title no doubt implies what the “readers” will be doing within seconds of opening this masterpiece.  (P.S. who invited Wendy O. Williams?).

5. Victorious Star by Morgan Hawke

Woah! This gives new meaning to “intergalactic”! Alternate book title: Voyage To Heranus.

6. Naked Gymnastics

Yeah, but how is she at straddling the pommel horse?

7. Bare Naked by Desiree Holt

This cowboy’s rhinestones are gettin’ a workout tonight! Yee hah!

8. Kieran The Black by Julia Templeton

The dong is mightier than the sword. Just sayin’.

9. The Naked Gardner by LB Gschwandtner

I bet she gets deflowered in that garden. Oh yeah, if you believe that LB Gschwandtner is a real name, I have an ostrich farm you should invest in…

10. The Society Of Sin-Where Angels Go To Fall by Sian Lacey Taylder

Whip it, whip it good.

11. Wonder Woman no. 68

Yeah, I’m kinda guessing ‘ol Wonder Woman is gonna stay right where she is and welcome that oddly sloped torpedo.

12. Naked Sushi by Jina Bacaar

They were hungry, the diner was closed, and sex was on the menu.

13. Betty And Me #16

Archie beating off 3 other guys? Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

14. Naked and Empty handed-Transcendence and Beyond in Group Workshops by Swami Anand Nito

Good to see Gilbert Gottfried gettin’ some!

15. The Comedy Is Finished by Donald E. Westlake

I’d say the comedy is just beginning.

16. How Not To Date A Bear by Stephanie Burke

Alternate title: How To Produce The Worst Book Cover in the History of Mankind With a Crappy Purple Bear on a Photoshopped Naked Dude’s Dingus for $1.98

17. Naked Return by Georgia Macintosh

No doubt the quotes of her saying “Sam, don’t take my suit! What’ll I wear home!” are literary genius, but ya gotta admit this seems like 35 cents well spent my friends!

18. Starlight by Alfred Bester

Looks like the prayers of those praying mantises have come true! Enjoy, guys!

19. Sofa So Naked by Dean Stockings

It’s where that blow dryer has already been that worries me.

20. Outerspace Sex Orgy by Arthur Faber

And thus, the first anal probe was complete.

21. Naked-The Book by Morey Studios

Squished bulbous boobies r good.

22. A Bed Is Not For Sleeping by Meryl Cork

Not sure how this woman was led into the “queer life” by her wicked stepmother when the seductress looks like Moe Howard.

23. Tiltangle by R.W. Mackleworth

I swear this was called Titangle.

24. The Snows of Naked Fall by J. Lee Mace

Barefoot, pregnant, nude and armed with swords. I’m confused. Did that crazy yeti get up to no good again, knocking these ladies up?

25. The Naked Prey

And all involved made a pact to never speak of this night again…

26. Runts of 61 Cy Gni C by James Grazier

Hmmmm…”one-eyed runts played endless games of sex” and they did so with 2 boobs each!  Did they really have to mention “one eye” though? We know what he looks like.

27. Darling by Harriet Daimler

Looks like “darling” has a panties issue and I’m not quite sure what’s going on with the bronzed surfer dude with his thong falling off, but I’d say he’s ready for a dong-lickin’!

28. The Seven Lady Godivas by Dr. Seuss

No shit people, this was indeed a ribald, naughty tale by Dr. Seuss. It flopped, but he got to draw boobies and butts, so all was not lost.

Green eggs and ham, and butts to slam, I do say fair lass, you have a mighty fine ass!

29. Nude With Attitude by Kay Hannam

Kay’s attitude should be to keep her damn clothes on.

30. City Lights by David Lawrence

This gives new meaning to the term EZ-PASS on the bridge.

31. ALF comic book issue #48

 

Did they allow sexual abuse of seals on Melmac?

32. World’s Finest Comics No. 14

“To the Batcave-and leave the clothes behind!”.

33. Odd John by Olaf Stapleton

Hmmm…looks like Odd John is gonna be Even Steven after he mounts this nubile tramp.

34. Burning For Nero by Celise Deland

Looks like she doesn’t even need Nero’s services!

35. Nurse Carolyn by Loren Beauchamp

I do not recall such medical care when I was in the hospital unless you count the male orderly who stole my grill cheese sandwich when I was sleeping.

36. Warlord Of Mars issue 14 by Dejah Thoris

The Janet Jackson of comics? You decide.

37. Captive Of Gor by John Norman

This rabid weasel is gettin’ some bulbous ass tonight! All hail Gor!

38. La Femme by Benedicte Martin

Apple actually banned this book in 2014 because of the cover. It’s 2014, and I am here to tell you, that’s it’s just fine to look at a great set of D cup boobies on a chick with the body of a knife for Christ’s sake. That is all.

39. Captain Marvel No. 23

Wow! Sexually disturbing AND blatantly racist at the same time! There’s a dime well invested.

40. Little Lulu comic

This is clearly a ride Lulu won’t forget anytime soon.

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Wretched monster movies #21: Deep Star Six (1989)


1989 was a fantastic year for creatures of the sea in cinema. We had LeviathanEndless Descent (aka The Rift), the James Cameron masterpiece The Abyss and a personal favorite of mine that I know sucks, DeepStar Six.

Directed with wonderful ineptness by Sean S. Cunningham of Friday The 13th fame, DeepStar Six is affectionately known as DeepStar Sux among fans. Is it that bad, you ask? No! It’s fun and also boring as hell at times, but has a rather fetching monster in it too.

Selecting a cast of mostly has-been 80’s TV actors was an odd choice, but it made it all the more amusing. We do get Greg Evigan of BJ And The Bear fame and although he’s actually quite good, how can you not chuckle? Plus, in a few scenes he certainly fills the chest hair quotient.

Evigan is also buddies with his esteemed captain played by the horribly named Taurean Blacque, and when Blacque meets his demise, oh the anguish! More on that later.

Blacque: “You know I’m the only black guy on this sub and I’m going to die, right?”. Evigan: “Yes sir, I can feel it in my chest hairs, Captain!”.

Miguel Ferrer plays one of the most unlikable characters in cinematic history. He is a whiny, annoying, paranoid bitch named Snyder who also fucks everything up and STILL carries on like a nutcase. Why ANYONE would endure this is beyond me, especially when he accidentally detonates nuclear warheads that wake up (and piss off) our giant killer crustacean.

It’s all good though, because Ferrer will have a most unpleasant end to his story which is as gory as can be.

Other actors who grace the screen here include Matt McCoy, Nia Peeples (why is she in a shower scene and we don’t see her naked?), Nancy Everhard, Cindy Pickett and others you might know by face but sure as hell not by name!

“I was in the video for Prince’s ‘Raspberry Beret’. And he didn’t taste my raspberry either!”.

Most likely people in theaters were saying, Oh-the nerd from Riptide! And, that chick from St. Elsewhere, and that chest-haired bastard from BJ And The Bear! Glad we spent our money tonight for this!

The plot as it is were, involves these oh, so tired crew members bitching and moaning about wanting to go “topside” and see their families (who I can’t imagine wanting to see a damn one of them), but they must finish this final mission. A British dickweed named Dr. Van Gelder is calling the shots to finish installing a nuclear missile storage platform underwater. Why??? Who the fuck knows or cares.

Ah, but towards the end of installation a Russian goof (Elya Baskin who believe it or not, has actually had quite the career and has even recently been in massive films such as Spider-Man 2, Spider-Man 3 and Transformers: Dark Of The Moon) and the really cute Everhard discover a massive cavern at the instillation site.

Van Gelder wants it blown up but Peeples pleads (unconvincingly) that it is a mistake because there could be fascinating sea creatures in there as well as some not so nice ones. The argument falls on deaf ears.

“He didn’t listen to me so I’ll work out! That will show him. AND, I won’t get nude in the shower either! By the way, anyone remember my shitty dance hit ‘Street Of Dreams’? No?”.

This explosion will awaken something. Something we do not see for 3/4 of this horrendously paced film.

The explosion also causes a fissure and that means a small sub is sent out from Deep Star Six to check out the damage. So Ronn Carroll (Osborne in the film) and Hodges (Thom Bray) are in the sub and send an unmanned probe (that’s what she said) into the cavern to survey the damage. They lose contact and go after it,”detaching”. They are also filming at the same time to see if Peeples can get some film footage of any creatures down there.

“This goatee alone will get me killed, but I got killed with a bicycle spoke by Alice Cooper in Prince Of Darkness man!”.

They lose the camera and go after it and in the cave the tension builds as they get sonar contact. Increasing. Fast. What the hell could it be coming after them? They scream. The lights go out. We assume they’re dead. What happened?

How the shit would we know? We see NOTHING. Lame, boring and predictable in the worst way.

Photobomb!

In any case, the creature we don’t see attacks the observation pod with the Russian guy and cute girl, and Russian guy will die from broken legs in the freezing water they are now submerged in.

Of course, cute girl survives because chest hair guy and the Captain get in a tiny sub to save her, only to have the Captain get crushed in half by a fastly closing hatch. It’s pretty cool and gross and he then intentionally floods the place so they don’t waste time trying to save him. As we know, he’s black and stand no chance so this makes sense. He will drown.

Shaken (and stirred-thank you Robert Plant), chest hair guy (Evigan) and cute girl (Everhard) make it back to the main base.

Well, now it’s time to go home as the Navy has given the OK. But first the missile sled must be secured. Van Gelder (played by Marius Weyers) instructs the insane Snyder to secure the missiles and leaves the room. Snyder does the exact opposite of securing things and detonates the missiles causing the Deep Star Six to Deep Star sink. It’s easy to see why, as the computer looks like Pong was too advanced for it.

Damage is done but a way to save air is discovered. It can only be done by patching a hole outside. This is where Richardson (played by Full House-looking reject McCoy) gets in the atmospheric diving suit and his work outside in the water with lights attracts a friend.

He screams in horror as they try to pull him up. He is not alone. Nor is he whole!

This is some of what is left of Richardson. The creature finally appears and he’s a biggun!

“I am crab. Very large crab.”

Some of the crew do not survive the crustacean visitor and his appetite, but those who do find a place to hide and realize that Peeples’s character (now crab bisque) had mentioned something about cavernous sea-dwellers being attracted to light. So they actually go back into the pool with light to awaken the beast.

In another cool but silly scene of gore, when the monster appears, Snyder freaks out and accidentally harpoons Van Gelder (well, he was annoying and British anyway).

“WHOOPS!”

After that little mishap we’re now down to 4 people. Snyder keeps freaking out and fighting with everyone and gets tranquilized. That’s not enough though, so he steals the escape pod before anyone else can get in. He doesn’t decompress however and meets a sickening demise in which we see his face start to crack, bleed and combust. His head will explode as he goes topside!

Here it is:

“If only I’d stayed away from that roast beef at Arby’s”.

A final showdown with the beast sees Pickett square off with high-powered lights which electrocute both her and the crab. They both sink below to a watery death. But not before Pickett utters the dreadful, Jaws (or Alien) ripoff line “Die, you sack of fish shit!”. I’d say that, but nobody in a movie should be saying it.

“My ex-husband never touched me this way”.

Now it’s down to Evigan and Everhard to flee to safety and of course she’s pregnant and of course he’s never settled down and of course now he promises her he will do her right and they will get married and…well, we’re actually thankful when Carl Crab reappears as they surface. (How the hell this thing would travel all the way up is unknown, but who gives a sack of fish shit???).

“Marco!”

Yeah, he’s still huge and pissed off. (I actually think the monster is pretty kick-ass if not a little bit awkward). Evigan will set the vessel on fire (Everhard is in a separate life raft screaming “NO!”) and dive in the water to avoid Carl’s sizable pincers.

Is it ironic that as Everhard awaits to see what happened after Carl blows up to bits that her nipples are everhard? Woah, momma!

“This is waiting for you if you survive my bearded one!”

And there you have DeepStar Six. I am always a sucker for sea creature movies and I do actually enjoy this one. The pacing is terrible and the characters are as cliched as it gets.

However, the monster is pretty damn awesome and the acting is actually good. There’s a plot, it’s just horribly unoriginal and the miniatures look crappy.

I pull this one out each summer because I’m an idiot, but yes, I do see the qualities of this film. In the battle of this and Leviathan, I go with this although I do actually like Leviathan as well for what it is.

Fun facts:

1. The creature was designed by Chris Wallas of Gremlins fame.

2. DeepStar Six was the first of the 1989 sea creature movies to surface. It would only gross $8.1 million at the box office.

3. Director Sean S. Cunningham directed the original Friday The 13th in 1980 as well as one of the sequels Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday in 1993. He also produced the surprisingly good remake of Friday The 13th in 2009.

DeepStar Six:

1/2 beagles out of 4 for awfulness

Q: Should you see DeepStar Six?

A: Yes! At least six times and always in summer when we all know sea creatures feed at their best.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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