40 Naked, Shameful Book/Magazine/Comic Book Covers to Be Baffled By (NOT SAFE FOR WORK)


If a picture is worth a thousand words, than a naked picture WITH words must be worth thousands of dollars! Unless of course, the picture is wretched. Thus, we have some of the most abysmal book covers and magazines (and some comic books) with nudity on them.

Titillating, you might say?

Limp penis, I say.

Let us explore-and do remember-I hold no responsibility for the images you will be shuddering into the night from…

1. The Naked Sun by Issac Asimov

Nice “transformer” ya got there dude! This guy is hung to epic proportions and it seems the robot behind him has penis envy, cursing the skies

2. Naked Yoga

Looks like the cover for a Hammer horror movie from the 70’s. I’m waiting for some guy in nothing but a top hat, monocle and fig leaf to pop out from behind the curtain. Stretch those buttocks!

3. Mooney-Midnight Lovers in a 9 0’Clock Town  by William Brown Meloney

Pretty sure this dude is only interested in pleasuring himself in the bushes, so the naked lass has little to worry about.

4. The Big Whip-Off

This title no doubt implies what the “readers” will be doing within seconds of opening this masterpiece.  (P.S. who invited Wendy O. Williams?).

5. Victorious Star by Morgan Hawke

Woah! This gives new meaning to “intergalactic”! Alternate book title: Voyage To Heranus.

6. Naked Gymnastics

Yeah, but how is she at straddling the pommel horse?

7. Bare Naked by Desiree Holt

This cowboy’s rhinestones are gettin’ a workout tonight! Yee hah!

8. Kieran The Black by Julia Templeton

The dong is mightier than the sword. Just sayin’.

9. The Naked Gardner by LB Gschwandtner

I bet she gets deflowered in that garden. Oh yeah, if you believe that LB Gschwandtner is a real name, I have an ostrich farm you should invest in…

10. The Society Of Sin-Where Angels Go To Fall by Sian Lacey Taylder

Whip it, whip it good.

11. Wonder Woman no. 68

Yeah, I’m kinda guessing ‘ol Wonder Woman is gonna stay right where she is and welcome that oddly sloped torpedo.

12. Naked Sushi by Jina Bacaar

They were hungry, the diner was closed, and sex was on the menu.

13. Betty And Me #16

Archie beating off 3 other guys? Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

14. Naked and Empty handed-Transcendence and Beyond in Group Workshops by Swami Anand Nito

Good to see Gilbert Gottfried gettin’ some!

15. The Comedy Is Finished by Donald E. Westlake

I’d say the comedy is just beginning.

16. How Not To Date A Bear by Stephanie Burke

Alternate title: How To Produce The Worst Book Cover in the History of Mankind With a Crappy Purple Bear on a Photoshopped Naked Dude’s Dingus for $1.98

17. Naked Return by Georgia Macintosh

No doubt the quotes of her saying “Sam, don’t take my suit! What’ll I wear home!” are literary genius, but ya gotta admit this seems like 35 cents well spent my friends!

18. Starlight by Alfred Bester

Looks like the prayers of those praying mantises have come true! Enjoy, guys!

19. Sofa So Naked by Dean Stockings

It’s where that blow dryer has already been that worries me.

20. Fangs For The Mammaries by Esther Friesner

Fang you very much Boobula!

21. Naked-The Book by Morey Studios

Squished bulbous boobies r good.

22. A Bed Is Not For Sleeping by Meryl Cork

Not sure how this woman was led into the “queer life” by her wicked stepmother when the seductress looks like Moe Howard.

23. Tiltangle by R.W. Mackleworth

I swear this was called Titangle.

24. The Snows of Naked Fall by J. Lee Mace

Barefoot, pregnant, nude and armed with swords. I’m confused. Did that crazy yeti get up to no good again, knocking these ladies up?

25. The Naked Prey

And all involved made a pact to never speak of this night again…

26. Runts of 61 Cy Gni C by James Grazier

Hmmmm…”one-eyed runts played endless games of sex” and they did so with 2 boobs each!  Did they really have to mention “one eye” though? We know what he looks like.

27. Darling by Harriet Daimler

Looks like “darling” has a panties issue and I’m not quite sure what’s going on with the bronzed surfer dude with his thong falling off, but I’d say he’s ready for a dong-lickin’!

28. The Seven Lady Godivas by Dr. Seuss

No shit people, this was indeed a ribald, naughty tale by Dr. Seuss. It flopped, but he got to draw boobies and butts, so all was not lost.

Green eggs and ham, and butts to slam, I do say fair lass, you have a mighty fine ass!

29. Nude With Attitude by Kay Hannam

Kay’s attitude should be to keep her damn clothes on.

30. Too Hot For Hell by Andrew Laird

“Just a little to the right-I want to capture that nipple as I paint best with my shirt off. Might I add, you are soooo amoral, you whore!”.

31. ALF comic book issue #48

Did they allow sexual abuse of seals on Melmac?

32. World’s Finest Comics No. 14

“To the Batcave-and leave the clothes behind!”.

33. Odd John by Olaf Stapleton

Hmmm…looks like Odd John is gonna be Even Steven after he mounts this nubile tramp.

34. Burning For Nero by Celise Deland

Looks like she doesn’t even need Nero’s services!

35. Nurse Carolyn by Loren Beauchamp

I do not recall such medical care when I was in the hospital unless you count the male orderly who stole my grill cheese sandwich when I was sleeping.

36. Warlord Of Mars issue 14 by Dejah Thoris

The Janet Jackson of comics? You decide.

37. Captive Of Gor by John Norman

This rabid weasel is gettin’ some bulbous ass tonight! All hail Gor!

38. La Femme by Benedicte Martin

Apple actually banned this book in 2014 because of the cover. It’s 2014, and I am here to tell you, that’s it’s just fine to look at a great set of D cup boobies on a chick with the body of a knife for Christ’s sake. That is all.

39. Captain Marvel No. 23

Wow! Sexually disturbing AND blatantly racist at the same time! There’s a dime well invested.

40. Little Lulu comic

This is clearly a ride Lulu won’t forget anytime soon.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Wretched monster movies #21: Deep Star Six (1989)


1989 was a fantastic year for creatures of the sea in cinema. We had LeviathanEndless Descent (aka The Rift), the James Cameron masterpiece The Abyss and a personal favorite of mine that I know sucks, DeepStar Six.

Directed with wonderful ineptness by Sean S. Cunningham of Friday The 13th fame, DeepStar Six is affectionately known as DeepStar Sux among fans. Is it that bad, you ask? No! It’s fun and also boring as hell at times, but has a rather fetching monster in it too.

Selecting a cast of mostly has-been 80’s TV actors was an odd choice, but it made it all the more amusing. We do get Greg Evigan of BJ And The Bear fame and although he’s actually quite good, how can you not chuckle? Plus, in a few scenes he certainly fills the chest hair quotient.

Evigan is also buddies with his esteemed captain played by the horribly named Taurean Blacque, and when Blacque meets his demise, oh the anguish! More on that later.

Blacque: “You know I’m the only black guy on this sub and I’m going to die, right?”. Evigan: “Yes sir, I can feel it in my chest hairs, Captain!”.

Miguel Ferrer plays one of the most unlikable characters in cinematic history. He is a whiny, annoying, paranoid bitch named Snyder who also fucks everything up and STILL carries on like a nutcase. Why ANYONE would endure this is beyond me, especially when he accidentally detonates nuclear warheads that wake up (and piss off) our giant killer crustacean.

It’s all good though, because Ferrer will have a most unpleasant end to his story which is as gory as can be.

Other actors who grace the screen here include Matt McCoy, Nia Peeples (why is she in a shower scene and we don’t see her naked?), Nancy Everhard, Cindy Pickett and others you might know by face but sure as hell not by name!

“I was in the video for Prince’s ‘Raspberry Beret’. And he didn’t taste my raspberry either!”.

Most likely people in theaters were saying, Oh-the nerd from Riptide! And, that chick from St. Elsewhere, and that chest-haired bastard from BJ And The Bear! Glad we spent our money tonight for this!

The plot as it is were, involves these oh, so tired crew members bitching and moaning about wanting to go “topside” and see their families (who I can’t imagine wanting to see a damn one of them), but they must finish this final mission. A British dickweed named Dr. Van Gelder is calling the shots to finish installing a nuclear missile storage platform underwater. Why??? Who the fuck knows or cares.

Ah, but towards the end of installation a Russian goof (Elya Baskin who believe it or not, has actually had quite the career and has even recently been in massive films such as Spider-Man 2, Spider-Man 3 and Transformers: Dark Of The Moon) and the really cute Everhard discover a massive cavern at the instillation site.

Van Gelder wants it blown up but Peeples pleads (unconvincingly) that it is a mistake because there could be fascinating sea creatures in there as well as some not so nice ones. The argument falls on deaf ears.

“He didn’t listen to me so I’ll work out! That will show him. AND, I won’t get nude in the shower either! By the way, anyone remember my shitty dance hit ‘Street Of Dreams’? No?”.

This explosion will awaken something. Something we do not see for 3/4 of this horrendously paced film.

The explosion also causes a fissure and that means a small sub is sent out from Deep Star Six to check out the damage. So Ronn Carroll (Osborne in the film) and Hodges (Thom Bray) are in the sub and send an unmanned probe (that’s what she said) into the cavern to survey the damage. They lose contact and go after it,”detaching”. They are also filming at the same time to see if Peeples can get some film footage of any creatures down there.

“This goatee alone will get me killed, but I got killed with a bicycle spoke by Alice Cooper in Prince Of Darkness man!”.

They lose the camera and go after it and in the cave the tension builds as they get sonar contact. Increasing. Fast. What the hell could it be coming after them? They scream. The lights go out. We assume they’re dead. What happened?

How the shit would we know? We see NOTHING. Lame, boring and predictable in the worst way.

Photobomb!

In any case, the creature we don’t see attacks the observation pod with the Russian guy and cute girl, and Russian guy will die from broken legs in the freezing water they are now submerged in.

Of course, cute girl survives because chest hair guy and the Captain get in a tiny sub to save her, only to have the Captain get crushed in half by a fastly closing hatch. It’s pretty cool and gross and he then intentionally floods the place so they don’t waste time trying to save him. As we know, he’s black and stand no chance so this makes sense. He will drown.

Shaken (and stirred-thank you Robert Plant), chest hair guy (Evigan) and cute girl (Everhard) make it back to the main base.

Well, now it’s time to go home as the Navy has given the OK. But first the missile sled must be secured. Van Gelder (played by Marius Weyers) instructs the insane Snyder to secure the missiles and leaves the room. Snyder does the exact opposite of securing things and detonates the missiles causing the Deep Star Six to Deep Star sink. It’s easy to see why, as the computer looks like Pong was too advanced for it.

Damage is done but a way to save air is discovered. It can only be done by patching a hole outside. This is where Richardson (played by Full House-looking reject McCoy) gets in the atmospheric diving suit and his work outside in the water with lights attracts a friend.

He screams in horror as they try to pull him up. He is not alone. Nor is he whole!

This is some of what is left of Richardson. The creature finally appears and he’s a biggun!

“I am crab. Very large crab.”

Some of the crew do not survive the crustacean visitor and his appetite, but those who do find a place to hide and realize that Peeples’s character (now crab bisque) had mentioned something about cavernous sea-dwellers being attracted to light. So they actually go back into the pool with light to awaken the beast.

In another cool but silly scene of gore, when the monster appears, Snyder freaks out and accidentally harpoons Van Gelder (well, he was annoying and British anyway).

“WHOOPS!”

After that little mishap we’re now down to 4 people. Snyder keeps freaking out and fighting with everyone and gets tranquilized. That’s not enough though, so he steals the escape pod before anyone else can get in. He doesn’t decompress however and meets a sickening demise in which we see his face start to crack, bleed and combust. His head will explode as he goes topside!

Here it is:

“If only I’d stayed away from that roast beef at Arby’s”.

A final showdown with the beast sees Pickett square off with high-powered lights which electrocute both her and the crab. They both sink below to a watery death. But not before Pickett utters the dreadful, Jaws (or Alien) ripoff line “Die, you sack of fish shit!”. I’d say that, but nobody in a movie should be saying it.

“My ex-husband never touched me this way”.

Now it’s down to Evigan and Everhard to flee to safety and of course she’s pregnant and of course he’s never settled down and of course now he promises her he will do her right and they will get married and…well, we’re actually thankful when Carl Crab reappears as they surface. (How the hell this thing would travel all the way up is unknown, but who gives a sack of fish shit???).

“Marco!”

Yeah, he’s still huge and pissed off. (I actually think the monster is pretty kick-ass if not a little bit awkward). Evigan will set the vessel on fire (Everhard is in a separate life raft screaming “NO!”) and dive in the water to avoid Carl’s sizable pincers.

Is it ironic that as Everhard awaits to see what happened after Carl blows up to bits that her nipples are everhard? Woah, momma!

“This is waiting for you if you survive my bearded one!”

And there you have DeepStar Six. I am always a sucker for sea creature movies and I do actually enjoy this one. The pacing is terrible and the characters are as cliched as it gets.

However, the monster is pretty damn awesome and the acting is actually good. There’s a plot, it’s just horribly unoriginal and the miniatures look crappy.

I pull this one out each summer because I’m an idiot, but yes, I do see the qualities of this film. In the battle of this and Leviathan, I go with this although I do actually like Leviathan as well for what it is.

Fun facts:

1. The creature was designed by Chris Wallas of Gremlins fame.

2. DeepStar Six was the first of the 1989 sea creature movies to surface. It would only gross $8.1 million at the box office.

3. Director Sean S. Cunningham directed the original Friday The 13th in 1980 as well as one of the sequels Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday in 1993. He also produced the surprisingly good remake of Friday The 13th in 2009.

DeepStar Six:

1/2 beagles out of 4 for awfulness

Q: Should you see DeepStar Six?

A: Yes! At least six times and always in summer when we all know sea creatures feed at their best.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Wretched monster movies #20: Slugs: The Movie (1988) slightly NSFW


Not to be confused with Slugs: The Opera, 1988’s Slugs: The Movie was quite easily one of the most ridiculous of the creatures gone amok movies of all-time.

You had to appreciate the effort though. Sort of.

The opening is a shameless ripoff of Jaws where we have an idiot dangling his feet in the water (and wearing overalls no less), while his hot girlfriend bitches about going home. She strips down to her thong underwear, and is about to take off her top when the hick gets pulled underwater to his bloody death.

What a scene! It’s only lacking these qualities: scares, suspense, originality and any sign of a creature or nudity.

“Where’s the shark? I thought this was an audition for Jaws V! This thong ain’t free!”.

After some lame-looking credits, a cliched drunken guy is walking his dog when some kids yell at him and nearly run him off the road. He stumbles into his “house” which has no power and looks abandoned. Just in case we didn’t know he was a drunken bum loser, he finds mail on his floor (that the mailman somehow tossed through the mail slot about 50 feet, but whatever).

Through the magic of some of the worst explanatory dialogue ever, he picks up a letter and reads aloud: “Eviction notice. Last. Warning. You assholes!”. Read it slowly and that’s how he said it-just like Fred Flintstone.

He dies by lying down on a couch which we assume has killer slugs. Or bad springs.

After some horrendous acting (and odd casting, as the one guy’s wife looks like an 80 year old Russian woman and he’s in his 30’s!), with people we don’t care about 2 cops go to the bum’s house and do so with some hilarious 60’s cop show stock music leading them there! Adam-12 anyone?

By the way, if you’re not up to watching 90 minutes of your life pass by in depressing fashion by realizing you’ve watched this crapfest all the way through, than by all means try this 3 minute 45 second version:

Moving on…an older couple who own a greenhouse have spotted slug eggs on their plants (don’t ask), and the woman’s voice is so badly dubbed it looks like one of those kung-fu movies from the 70’s. But no-it’s Slugs: The Movie!

Thus, the old man gets bit in the hand (well, we assume it so, since we see NOTHING) by a slimy slug and cannot get his gardening glove off, so naturally he chops his hand off with an ax, only AFTER falling on the floor having pulled an entire garden shelf on himself as one would do.

If Herman Munster was in a Grunge cover band…

Of course, he also spills chemicals on the floor which will ignite and when the annoying wife finally hears this and checks on her husband…BOOM! The effects here used most of the film’s $1.93 budget. The ineptitude of the direction is so perfect you can only chuckle and wince at the same time.

There’s some awesome dialogue as well, when our resident hero comes home to see his wife. She’s working on her garden and tells him she saw some big slugs.

When he sees them his response is how one might describe breasts: “Jesus Christ, those things are big! Big? They’re gigantic!”. He then gets bit (By a slug? Really?) and tells the wife to go get a jar to put in it, and make it quick! Yeah, better hurry because we all know how speedy slugs can get away asshole!

“I am slug. Fear me human, and please don’t use any salt you motherfucker, or the movie ends”.

The comedy continues with horrific dialogue between an alcoholic whore and her Scott Baio wannabe, self-absorbed chest hair-laced lover about sex as an appetizer as she prepares a salad (with hidden evil guest in the lettuce who probably isn’t too happy about being diced and sliced).

“Now we slice the head of lettuce carefully, and please people listen to me-to have a really nice slug salad, you must firmly dice the slug to enhance the essence and flavor!”.

Meanwhile, our hero and his lover (ick) race off to a high school to find a scientist to analyze the giant slugs (to a hilariously bad score of further inappropriate music) who has a balding head and bad British accent. “Hello, what’s this?” he quizzes about said slugs.

“Tea and crumpets anyone? I’m a bald British bastard, and I do enjoy a good slug and kidney pie.”

Of note, for no reason at all, the woman takes off her sweater and tosses it in the car as they get ready to run into the school, which seems a good enough reason to watch her breasts bounce in a tank top.

Speaking of breasts, it’s time for the infamous scene where two young sexed-up losers are ready to bang away with the parents gone. The guy looks like the side keyboardist of a Winger cover band and the babe? Well, considering this is Slugs: The Movie she’s not so bad.

They get naked, he’s wasted, and he gets bit by a slug as he goes to walk on the floor. She screams and steps off the bed and falls into the pit of slugs on the floor (still nude!). Drunk Winger dude only wants to save himself, so he lets her die and tries to escape. Thankfully, his dangling junk is kept to a minimum visually, as he reaches for the window! Soon he will be naked slug fodder as well.

One thing for sure…the slugs know a nice butt when they see one (and yeah, it’s the chick-not the dude, and she really was naked with the slugs. Ah, what we do for pure art!).

Pre-slug sex:

Post-coitus intersluggus:

As for the self-absorbed douche? He had a big business meeting. Seeing as his salad from the day before had slugs a la mode, its was time for him to go out to dinner and close the deal. However, his face is munched to the bone by the slugs from within and his eyeballs explode with maggots! What else would rabid slugs do?

“I will be unable to pay the bill tonight-you do understand?”.

And if that wasn’t enough, we soon see a unidentified bloodied corpse in a barn and the stomach explodes yet again with maggots or parasites or spaghetti. Those exploding maggots, what will they think of next, those crazy goofs!

When our hero goes to the commissioner to get the water turned off in town due to the slugs having invaded the system, we see (and hear) a guy that looks like Sam The Eagle.

Of course, Sam won’t listen because he’s seen Jaws too and knows he has to ignore the facts and endanger the town. When our hero says he will accept full responsibility, but the water must be turned off, the commish woodenly exclaims: “You ain’t got the authority to declare happy birthday!”. This is writing people-real writing.

That’s followed by a cliched “You crazy son of a bitch!”.

Don’t worry-the commish will die on the toilet taking a deuce as the slugs became offended.

At this point I’d like to present to you the opening scene and credits. Such a pity there’s no nudity because this was a cute 80’s chick.

Our hero (I can’t remember his character’s name and don’t care what it is), the British bald guy and the hero’s buddy from sanitation (Don?) with the 80 year-old Russian wife (maybe she’s French or Yugoslavian, I don’t know but I DO know she’s ass-ugly and old) hatch a plan to go in the sewer and blow up the slugs with a chemical concoction the British guy developed.

At the same time, a chick who just says no to her horny boyfriend at an awful outdoor Halloween party where they are cranking up tunes by some shitty Hair Metal band the Best Boy must’ve been in, tries to find her way back (not like the Jefferson Starship) and is then a victim of an attempted rape by a scumbag in a skeleton mask. What?

Why would we need such a disgusting act in this already horrendous film? At least she survives…only to trip and fall in the sewer where the slugs kill her. And the would be rapist in the skeleton mask, you ask? Nothing happens to him! Are you fucking kidding me?

By the way, how exactly did this trailer make anyone not on smack want to see Slugs: The Movie?

Let’s just get to the conclusion, shall we? The breeding ground of the slugs is found in a pool of water in the sewer.  Some will be electrocuted (it looks like shit, believe me), but there’s too many for just that, so for some unknown reason our hero’s pal screams, “I have a plan” and proceeds to open a hatch that pours out so much water it knocks him into the slugs’ pool of horrors. Things do not end well.

Ah, but in Don’s honor, Mike our hero (I’m going with that at his name) gets to the top of the manhole and they detonate the sewer immediately. Slugs go boom.

Just wondering though, guys…um, YOU DIDN’T TELL ANYONE IN TOWN YOU WERE BLOWING THE SEWER UP???

As we see cars, houses, churches and streets blown to bits we realize that this must be a slight surprise to everyone in town, no? Then we hear some ghastly sax-laced Muzak as the end theme play us out until…a closeup of a very pissed off slug on top of a scorching hot sewer grate  essentially saying, “Pony up the money for the sequel fuckers, because my boys and I are comin’ back for revenge!”.

Burn baby burn, Disco Slugferno?

Slugs: The Movie was truly a lesson in movie-making and what not to do. Learn well my friends.

Fun Facts:

1.) Believe it or not, Slugs: The Movie is based on the novel Slugs by Shaun Hutson.

2.) Slugs: The Movie was directed by legendary (and not for good reasons) Spanish director Juan Piquer Simon who also did the excruciating Pieces as well as The Rift ( aka Endless Descent) which is also here on my blog-see Wretched Monster Movie #12: Endless Descent at http://chudbeagleblog.wordpress.com/2013/08/02/wretched-monster-movies-11-the-rift-aka-endless-descent-1989/

3.) In Spain, the film was called Muerte Viscosa, and actually had a cool poster that was far better than this slimy debacle.

Slugs: The Movie (1988):

 1/2 beagles out of for 4 for awfulness

Q: Should you see Slugs: The Movie?

A: No, go see Slugs: In Your Backyard instead. It will be far more entertaining watching a slug in his own ooze for 90 minutes than this disgrace!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Outtakes: 30 Abominable album covers that didn’t make the cut last time


1. Vuco-Vuco II

Vuco II lacked the magic of the first album, but the cover art made up for it. Those nipples are very Vuco indeed.

2. Mica Ostojic-Trofortaljka

It’s not just that Mica looks like Benny Hill in drag, but couldn’t she have watered the plants just once?

3. Wolf-Wolf

This is howlingly awful. Love the fingers that look like vultures. Abysmal, truly abysmal.

4. Mija Aleksic-Seks I Keks

My name Mija. I sell photo of woman butt to you for price of $5 American. With this sale I can now do concept album on Atari 2600. Cannot afford Pro Tools. Remember comrades, look at the buttocks of nudely woman and repeat after Mija-Seks I Keks!

5. Knorkator-Hasenchartbreaker

You know it’s uber-wretched when not even Gene Simmons would sue you. I actually saw these guys tear it up at Hardee’s last week. What a show that was.

6. Paddy Roberts-Songs For Gay Dogs

Time to look in the mirror Paddy me boy-it ain’t just the dog.

7. Celebration Road Show-Amazing Grace

I actually think the homeless guy is better off than the kid, and he’s less creepy.

8. Komputer-The World Of Tomorrow

Ve r Komputer. Our vision is of utopia of Barbie and Kens dancing to German elektronik muzik. Do you share vision? Zis is going to happen to us all in 1982-u vill see. We in Komputer no da future. You do not. We love androids.

9. The Ukuleles-Ukuleles On Tour

The cocaine was flowing on this tour bus…

10. Moving Gelatine Plates-The World Of Genius Hans

Genius Hans needs a punch in the anus.

11. Buildings-Melt Cry Sleep

I would MELT this album on CD or vinyl. I CRY at how pretentious it is. And, what the hell-I’d SLEEP with the naked chick.

12. Mrs. B-He Touched Me

Looks like he touched her in the right spot.

13. 31 Knots-Trump Harm

These guys deserve 31 kicks in the junk. This gave me nightmares for a solid week.

14. Merle Evans And His Circus Band-Circus In Town!

The authorities were in town too, and the circus tents being pitched in prison turned this sicko clown’s frowns upside-down.

15. Jo Calypso-He He Nick

This kid had to have crapped his green overalls during this photo shoot. Wouldn’t you?

16. Mrs. Mills-Come To My Party

That’s the first and last time Mrs. Mills hosted an orgy.

17. Rok Bergade-The Attack Is On

Proof that the inbred can design album covers AND misspell awful band names.

18. Vice-Made For Pleasure

I have neon douche chills just looking at the cover.

19. Tambo-Grupo

My big hose and porn stache will put out your fire, ladies! Ole!

20. Loveship-Loveship

These brothers from another planet are ready for some intergalactic sexin’! Beam me up JJ!

21. Ruidos-Programados

So futuristic with that sexy Vic Commodore 64! Clearly the future was wearing a gas station attendant’s used work clothes.

22. Kingpin-Welcome To Bop City

Welcome to Cock City is more like it. This is blindingly offensive to anyone with a sense of decency. Spare me Kingpin! (Get the bowling reference?).

23. ???-???

It was worth his jail sentence. Those kooky Japanese, what will they think of next?

24. 2-Def-Str-8 Doin Tha Fool

Let the Mad Dog pour all night baby! Glad to see Klondike Kat and 20-2 Life representin’ as well on this musical masterpiece.

25. Karisma-Sweet Revenge

Glad to see the angry walrus imprisoned in chains I drew on the back of my Biology notebook in school became an album cover. Seriously, my cat could do a better job and she only had 2 years of art and design.

26. Schytts-Schytts

Truth in advertising. Even in Swedish.

27. Jantina-Als Jij Me Ooit Verlaat

Jantina is saddened because she cannot fit on the train and her man has packed his bags. But chocolate does await her at home…

28. Yorgi-On The Old Inca Trail

Yorgi knew that sodomy would lead to heartbreak, yet his lover would not let it die.

29. Vinko-Para Mayores de 18

U see many facez of Vinko. Eye iz master of disguise. In each foto eye iz very kreepy butt this only beecauz I likez 2 touch myself in the park. Iz this so wrong? Vinko only want to play male organ for u.

30. Gene Watson-This Dream’s On Me

Gene, gotta tell ya-this is no chick’s dream although that’s a mighty saucy shirt ya got there. Might want to keep that cheap-ass wine chilled a little longer though, because it’s for one.

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Wretched monster movies #19: Day Of The Animals (1977)


You gotta love a movie with serious intentions that becomes utterly hilarious. Released in 1977, the ludicrous Day Of The Animals takes the cake.

Oh yeah, this poster had me suckered in as they all did back then, but if only I knew what the movie was gonna be like!

The trailer is quite awful as you can see…

We’re told that the recent depletion of the Earth’s ozone layer causes the sun to shine powerful ultraviolet light emitting some kind of solar radiation that makes all animals above the altitude of 5,000 feet to go apeshit for want of a better term.

In a scenario that gets even more ridiculous, a batch of hikers have been dropped off by helicopter unaware of the just-announced quarantine. No animal is to be trusted, and to be honest I wouldn’t trust this guy.

“This game of hide and seek will end soon my friends”.

Among our hikers are Leslie Nielsen, Lynda Day George, Christopher George, Boy George (just kidding), Susan Backlinie (the girl who got munched in the opening of Jaws), Ruth Roman and Richard Jaeckel.

In a stroke of anti-genius, Day Of The Animals reunites Christopher George and Jaeckel from Grizzly, and we also have the same director of Grizzly in the ham-fisted William Girdler and producer Edward L. Montoro. Ya got lucky one time guys, not again!

Day Of The Animals opens with a crawl spouting some nonsense about a “shocking discovery” two professors uncovered at the University Of California in 1974 that aerosol spray cans had fluorocarbon gases causing damage to the Earth’s ozone layer (Al Gore’s inspiration was this film?). The crawl concludes by telling us this is what COULD happen if we do nothing to protect nature’s shield for life on the planet. Oooooooo….

It’s very interesting to see such statements back in 1977 in all honesty but having schizoid hawks and mice attacking humans probably wasn’t the best way to get a message across.

“We only get one day to kill off humanity? Sheesh!”.

Our group of morons (always fun at the start to predict who gets pegged off first in these films) starts climbing the mountains and about 15 minutes in, the resident minority (here it’s an American Indian) stops and says “There’s no sound”. After awkward looking shots of people trying to act shocked all of a sudden the birds start going nuts. A hawk lands near the cliched dorky young boy in a California Angels hat (yeah that’s what they were called back then), but decides to fly off.

This leads to Jaeckel saying, “I’ve never seen anything like it before”.  The Indian played by Michael Ansara states, “Me neither”. Really? You’ve never seen a bird fly, land and leave? Get out much guys?

In the local eatery (or dump), a cliched overweight sheriff stops in to play cards with his buddies and a news report comes on over the TV (a shitty B&W TV) about the ozone disturbance and how high-altitude areas especially are in jeopardy. Hmmmm…is that why that dog with mange was growling outside the door?

“Go ahead, pet me! No, really! Ignore that Day Of The Animals talk-that’s just the media”.

The sheriff’s reaction? “Jesus! I told ya that sun seemed damn peculiar today, Suzie-gimme a piece of pineapple pie and dump some ice cream on it”.

Our sheriff is played by ex-NFL player Walter Barnes! Barnes was also in High Plains Drifter with Clint Eastwood and played Tank Murdock in Every Which Way But Loose also with Eastwood and Clyde The Chimp!

Cue ominous music, slice of pineapple pie and stock footage of flying hawks and eagles…

“From playing against the Chicago Bears to watching them wrestle Leslie Nielsen-ah, the mysteries of life!”.

An especially wretched scene has the annoying little dork throwing rocks at something. His fat-ass Mom yells at him to stop and that he will get lost. He’s standing 5 feet away from her! Even better, our American Indian walks up to him and says, “You better stop, or I will scalp you”. Insultingly bad on so many levels!

The campfire at night is the perfect setting for lame harmonica playing, stilted dialogue and a menacing owl who seems to be commanding the others because eerie music happens each time we see him.

Finally an attack! A coyote comes out of nowhere and attacks one of the female hikers in her sleep and somehow she has but a few scratches. A mountain lion will later have some fun too. The owl should train his killer minions better than this!

“I suppose my invitation to go camping got lost in the mail? Fuck that-now, I eat you”.

A brilliant plan is hatched in which the woman who was attacked (Backlinie the chick from Jaws) and another guy will hike all the way back down to get her medical attention in about, oh let’s say 5 weeks, while the other move forward. But some awesome unintentional comedy will be provided by Leslie Nielsen as he utters racist taunts at Ansara and begins to question the whole trip.

The gang keeps hiking as our creatures organize! We’ve got a mountain lion, a falcon, a bunch of wolves and even a tarantula for good measure (how did he get involved?).

Our couple who have gone the other direction are in some trouble and begin arguing. Actually, it’s the woman who is acting irrational telling the dude to leaver her alone and screaming at him so he walks away and that’s when out hawks, falcons and buzzards move in for the kill!

“Wait ’til I tell the guys I killed the chick from JAWS!”.

The attack scene isn’t that bad but as Backlinie is somehow now on the edge of a cliff, the birds drag her down and she falls to her death over a pretty fucking awful blue screen!  Let this be a lesson-beware of buzzards!

“Duh, I was in Day Of The Animals and dey told me I won a Oscar!”.

More poor film making occurs when the guy in the bad striped shirt now without his buzzard-eaten chick sees a little girl at a river. He very awkwardly stumbles over and only decides to call out to her once he reaches her. He offers her a bit of food he has left when a hawk swoops down and takes it away. He falls back, grabs the girl and in awful slow motion they begin running.

“If you call me Gilligan little girl, I’m leaving you to the buzzards”.

When Barnes gets woken out of his fat sleep that the town must be evacuated, he goes into the kitchen to eat some leftovers (well, if you’re a fat sheriff, wouldn’t you eat?)and he gets treated to a rat attack as the little fellers start pouncing on him one by one until he beheads one with a knife that jumped upon his face! “Round And Round” indeed! (That’s a Ratt joke by the way).

“Rats!”

Things really get cooking when Nielsen starts going psycho and wants control of the group from Jaeckel. A great line: “Well let me tell you something hotshot, I use my head all the time, when a lot of time people use their butts!”.

Naturally, the groups will split in two and we still have the striped shirt guy with the little girl who won’t talk as well. Those two come upon an empty campsite and then the thunder and lightning begin!

“If I’m going to give my best performance, you assholes best get some real lighting! And where the hell is that honey I asked for an hour ago!!!”-Angry bear actor on the set

We now see the transformation of Nielsen into raving lunatic! When the whiny Jewish woman complains, the disturbingly shirtless Nielsen tells her, “You’re with me now Miss Beverly Hills bitch, so shut up and keep moving !”. He then pushes her forward with a giant stick and when her little boy objects, Nielsen grabs him and says, “You little cockroach, you gonna tell me about survival?’. Priceless (and worthless) dialogue my friends!

Speak like an asshole and carry a big stick.

Oh, but it gets much…worse. In the driving rain, Nielsen continues to go crazy (the ozone affects him too?) as he throws the mother and son to the ground and beats a young guy on board with a stick. More hammy lines are spouted such as: “You lily-livered punk! I’m running this camping trip! I take what I want and I give ya what I wanna give ya! Understand that? And right now, I want that!’.

No cockroaches allowed.

What’s that you ask? Oh, it would be the young guy’s girlfriend, pleading and crying by a giant rock. The young guy threatens Nielsen who then spears him in the stomach as this piece of shit gets more ridiculous by the second.

You doubt me? Well, how about Nielsen by a fire looking up at the heavens in the rain, uttering this nonsense: “My father who art in Heaven, you made a jack-ass out of me for years! It’s never been you for me! Melville’s God that’s the God I believe in! You see what you want you take it-you take it! And I’m gonna do just that!”.

WATCH this please!!! It’s hilariously disturbing and comedy at it’s unintentional finest.

What’s that you ask? He wants to rape the girlfriend of the guy he killed as it’s pouring rain but his disgusting little session is interrupted by a giant bear (the same bear from Grizzly). So, the most sensible thing to do if you’re insane? Wrestle the bear-duh!

Final score: Bear 1, Nielsen nil.

“Bears do NOT like wannabe rapists with no shirt on! Now, we wrestle you disgusting human!”.

Back in town, striped shirt guy and little girl are realizing nobody is around but they do find a bunch of rattlesnakes and a rabid dog so they hide in a jeep but of course it won’t turn over. Stripe shirt guy sees his car and tells the little girl he will be back and grabs a hammer to deal with the pooch. He very strangely kisses the little girl goodbye (it’s creepy trust me) and heads outside.

Well, striped shirt guy opens his car (a light blue Volkswagen Beetle-yeah!) which is filled with snakes! He gits bit and then the rabid pooch joins in and attacks him as the little girl watches from the jeep. Ha ha ha.

Alas, jazz hands alone could not stop the killer snakes from sucking the life out of that awful striped shirt.

As for the trio who escape the clutches of Nielsen (the bitchy Jewish woman, the dorky boy and the girl who luckily avoided Nielsen’s “naked gun”), they find a helicopter and the boy goes inside. One problem-a pack of rabid dogs is nearby and comes after them though they manage to hide inside.

And the other 5? Well, they find a series of abandoned cabins and run in when a very well-organized pack of pups hunts them down. They get inside a cabin but the dogs bust through the windows and get some kibbles n’ bits (o’ human flesh!).

“We heard there was beer so you humans are going down!”

Lynda Day George will stand there and scream, offers no help but gets out anyway.

“Is it over yet? I want to help, but you guys seemed to be doing just fine being eaten by the dogs!”

This scene is actually intense and well-done and very similar to another film I will soon review that I saw in theaters in 1977 The Pack.

3 will make and 2 bite the dust. They get to a river but of course the dumb blonde can’t swim so they cut off the dock to use as a makeshift raft but the dogs hop onto the raft-woof! Jaeckel, Ansara and the blonde (Lynda Day George) hang onto the edge of the raft and float downstream with the dogs on board. The scene fades so who the shit knows what happened?

“Let’s do the math here-we dogs will stay on the raft and you humans can fuck off. How’s that sound?”

Next it’s dawn and the dogs outside the helicopter are dead so the 3 fools exit and in town dudes in Hazmat suits are clearing things and find the little girl.

Our floating fools wake up and see people on a bridge realizing the nightmare is over (but not for those who suffered through this crapfest). Ah, but wait…an eagle is perched and will fly at the screen and the movie ends! Or does it?

“All I got was this lousy end scene? My agent is toast!”

Day Of The Animals is exploitative animal poop with a few decent scenes but it’s mostly lame. The Leslie Nielsen scene is pure gold though and highly recommended for endless laughs.

No doubt the producers and director thought they had a hit on their hands based on the surprise success of Grizzly which I reviewed here. Day Of The Animals is actually better made than Grizzly but that’s like saying Falco was a better singer than Taco.

Fun Facts:

1. Day Of The Animals bombed at the box office taking in a putrid $2.8 million.

2. The score for Day Of The Animals was by Lalo Schifrin. Yes, that’s the same guy who did the Mission: Impossible theme!

3. Day Of The Animals was also show on TV and in Europe as Something Is Out There a title that sucks as bad as the film.

Day Of The Animals  (1977):

3 1/2 beagles out of 4 for awfulness

Q: Should you see Day Of The Animals?

A: A shirtless, crazed Leslie Nielsen wrestling a grizzly bear after a failed rape attempt? Well, if your Friday nights are lacking you now have your answer.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Wretched monster movies #18: Night Of The Lepus (1972)


Mankind has been terrified of rabbits since the beginning of time. This is why Elmer Fudd came into existence to save us all. Everyone knows this.

After all, if we weren’t scared of rabbits then why does the cinematic masterpiece Night Of The Lepus exist? Well?

I’m glad you asked, because I am hare to tell you. (Get it? Hare? It’s funny and you know it).

Jesus, this poster is so unintentionally comical, I know if I was old enough I absolutely would’ve gone to see it! Kinda Bugs me I didn’t see it back then (Get that one? “Bugs” as in Bugs Bunny? Did I have to explain that for you?).

Anyhow, the film opens with a stiff newscaster informing us of the spread of ravenous rabbits running out of food in the Southwest of the US, which obviously means man is their next menu item.

You’ve been warned.

Rory Calhoun is a rancher who seeks the help of a college president played by DeForest Kelly (yes, “Bones” from Star Trek) to stop a bunch of bunnies because they are running amok since the coyotes in the area have been killed off, and therefore can’t be eatin’ dem there rabbits.

“Watership Down you sons a bitches! We remember!”

Because he’s a nice guy, Kelly asks for the assistance of researchers played by Stuart Whitman and Janet Leigh of Psycho and The Fog fame. The researchers agree because Kelly will not poison our bushy-tailed friends.

Kelly suggests using hormones to disrupt the rabbits’ breeding cycle and takes some rabbits for experimentation. One bunny is injected with a new serum believed to cause birth defects. A young girl is Leigh’s daughter played by Melanie Fullerton, and loves the injected rabbit, so she switches it with one from the control group. Of course she is then given the injected rabbit as a pet, but it soon escapes. The lepus has leaped!

“Yeah, go ahead and inject us humans! When we get all giant, we’re gonna go lepus on your asses. The world will rain blood and carrots! Bwahahahah!”.

What’s next? Well, torching the rabbit holes of course! After that fun is over, our horrible actors stumble upon a large paw print which is deemed to be from an animal of at least 150 pounds!

“We aren’t going to live this down, are we?”.

One of the worst parts of the film has little Melanie accompanied by her friend (a boy dressed like a cowboy) who brings her to a mine to see his friend Captain Billy in his shack. Yeah, that doesn’t sound too perverted. Even better, Captain Billy’s little shack is empty, so naturally this pussy has the girl go look in the mine for Billy while he looks outside!

After hearing some noises, little Melanie sees a giant bunny covered in blood near a body! To say the least, it isn’t very convincing.

Then we have a truck driver pulling over for no reason in the dark shining his flashlight on the road. We hear growling bunnies and behind his back is a buck-toothed bunny ready for some Easter revenge! If you aren’t laughing at this scene, you’re just not trying.

And Pismo Beach was never the same…

The Cadbury carnage starts to build up as people with red acrylic paint (er, I mean blood!) are strewn along the highway and our resident black guy at the lab with a semi-cool fro informs us that “something of great strength” gnawed away at the locks on the truck from earlier (but wait-the guy OPENED the truck door himself! Whatever…).

Next up, a quack scientist looking like a rotund Dom Deluise (is there any other kind?) lets our worried people know that giant rabbits are responsible. So now it’s dyn-o-mite time to blow up 3 giant rabbit holes they have found.

“Our careers are down there somewhere!”

Meanwhile, Calhoun and another guy decide to go in the cave before detonation to take pictures? Yep-that’s right. All in the name of science. When they find the bunny breeding ground, it is beyond hilarious with stuffed rabbits and regular rabbits filmed to look huge over obvious miniatures inside the cave. Worse yet, some of them had “blood” on their faces which looked like cherry pie crust.

The scenes in the caves are so damn dark we can’t see shit (which is actually better), and the one bunny leaping in the air to attack is as menacing as an elderly crossing guard holding up a stop sign. Outside the cave, the useless extra with Janet Leigh gets attacked by a bunny while eating a sandwich (he knew the risks with lettuce in the air!) and it’s another hare-raising sight indeed.

The scene where the rabbits who survived the mineblast start to emerge is like watching slow-motion bunny mime. Not even the largest vial of crack could make ANYONE think this was scary!

“Happy Easter motherfuckers!”

When our litter of lepus attack a bunch of horses at night it’s just lame. And it mysteriously has the look of stock footage of rabbits being rabbits, and horses being scared of a guy waving a stick at them off camera. When the rabbits attack the horses and start eating them the only fear I felt was for the director who must’ve thought, “That’s a wrap! We’ve got the terror I was looking for. Drinks on me, everybody!”.

When the rabbits attack one of the selected morons in town, it looks like a stuffed animal being shaken violently. Even more pitiful is when they go stampeding towards a house which is obviously a dollhouse. The “grass” looks like that shit you find on a miniature golf course (maybe it’s because it’s on a miniature set? Am I on to something here?), and the rabbits truly look like rabbits searching for that elusive carrot being dangled in front of them.

So now, 4 idiots are trapped inside of the house in the basement and Calhoun and some other guy begin shooting at them through the floor boards (smart guys). The bunnies are basically just milling around and growling of course in the kitchen getting pegged off.

“What’s for dinner?”.

“I don’t know-this cupboard is fuckin’ bare, man!”.

“Well, there’s human flesh in the basement”.

“But we’ve had that to eat all week man!”.

“Any better ideas? No? Alright then, let’s get down there and eat and shut your mouths everyone!”.

A few more comical deaths and fake blood and we’re just waiting for this torture to end. The National Guard gets called in to kick some furry ass, the acting gets worse and the screenplay downright abysmal. Here’s some great dialogue:

A police officer pulls up at a drive-in (guess the townspeople didn’t know giant killer rabbits were running amok and decided to catch a movie) and with a megaphone announces: “Attention! There is a herd of giant killer rabbits headed this way and we desperately need your help!”. Naturally, EVERYONE believes the officer and when he asks if everyone understood they all beep their horns in unison! I cannot make this up-I’m just not that clever!

By the way, what were they watching at the drive-in? A Tom & Jerry cartoon. Well, at least it wasn’t Bugs Bunny.

When Janet Leigh and the little girl get the RV they are driving in stuck in a hole in the road, it’s time to change the tire…as the lepus watch. It’s quite hilarious listening to bubbling noises, and crappy 70’s synthesizers as buck-toothed bunnies are supposed to be looking at the humans as though they were carrots.

“What’s up doc? Anyone know if the I-82 takes ya to Alberquerque?”

It gets worse! Leigh decides the best thing to do is send her daughter into the RV while she fights off hundreds off giant rabbits with flares! The scene goes on for an eternity as we hear the worst cries of anguish in cinematic history from the daughter: “Wait! Mommy! Oh no, Mommy!”. (Oh no, Mommy? Really?).

A helicopter with Calhoun lands and saves Leigh and the little one as we see embarrassing overhead shots of the RV model surrounded by a bunch of rabbits-just being rabbits.

Finally, it’s the showdown none of us were waiting for as the bloodthirsty bunnies march and hop their way to square off with the National Guard who have tanks, flamethrowers and guns and lots of townsfolk with their car headlights powered up-game on!

And the blood-drenched rabbit scared…no one.

Ah, but there is a trick up the humans’ sleeves-they have the railroad tracks wired up and the bunnies are gettin’ zapped! This goes on for far too long and it’s a damn shame the bunnies didn’t attack the inept director.

“Hop down to-Electric Avenue!”

When some bunnies get past the tracks it’s clearly a guy in a rabbit costume jumping on people, but really who wouldn’t want that kick-ass job? I’d do it for free!

Crisis averted, it’s time for the final scene of tranquility as we see some dorks running through a field and the camera will zoom in on BUNNIES! NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO! PLEASE TELL ME THE HORROR WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN!!! YOU WASCAWY WABBITS-BURN IN HELL!

And let me tell you-the trailer for Night Of The Lepus is sooooo wretched, it’s impossible that they did more than one take. The voiceover guy can’t speak right (the word mutant becomes “mute ant”), the synthesizers sound like they are from bad Italian porn, and the clips suck! One smart thing-they don’t tell the viewer it’s bunnies otherwise not even that one stoned dude would’ve gone to see the film.

Absolutely fucking abominable. This movie gives me great paws when I think of it. A tail too horrible to relive. If I had paid to see this (and if I was old enough, I probably would have), I’d lepus from the nearest cliff and meet my well-deserved demise.

God damn, Night Of The Lepus is putrid! You’d be more scared watching your mail get delivered.

Fun Facts:

1. Night Of The Lepus was also issued in some territories as Rabbits. Just as clever as the screenplay.

2. The film is based on a novel (no-it really is) called The Year Of The Angry Rabbit.

3. Night Of The Lepus would not appear on video until 2005. At least 3 people celebrated and 2 of them were rabbits.

Night Of The Lepus (1972):

4 out of 4 beagles for awfulness-this one’s a home run baby!

Q: Should you see Night Of The Lepus?

A: Good lord, no but enjoy my blog by all means.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Wretched monster movies #17: Killer Fish (1979)


Lee Majors? The Six Million Dollar Man himself in a movie with a $6 budget? You betcha, and welcome to Killer Fish, a film truly worthy of its name. This Italian made crapfest was shot on location in Brazil, and should’ve stayed there.

It’s not just Lee Majors hamming it up here as we also somehow have Karen Black, Margaux Hemmingway and Planet Of The Apes‘ James Franciscus all somehow thinking this was a good opportunity.

Should I also mention former starting NFL quarterback Dan Pastorini of Oilers, Patriots, Raiders and Eagles fame? No? Well, he sucked as a QB AND an actor but did get a Super Bowl ring as a backup (after losing his starting job) with Oakland, so he knows how to steal jewelry!

Franciscus plays a bad guy who also plays backgammon, because as he so wryly describes the game, “The best way to attract lady luck my friend, is to act like you don’t need her-just like any other lady”. Ah, yes! Imagine the dialogue if he played a game as evil as bridge!

And here’s a trailer that is as cheesy as could be, and yet it made me want to see it anyway as a dumb 10 year old kid.

Majors, Black and some other hacks have set off a fire at an oil plant to distract the police to begin a jewel heist which involves the lamest safe-cracking scene you will ever see. You know they’ve opened the safe because a cheesy synthesizer plays a note that tells you so.

The credits don’t kick in until almost 10 minutes in to a wretched Disco beat. Those credits look like they were done for a PBS special on knitting by the way. By the 12 minute mark we have not 1, not 2, but THREE backgammon scenes! I am sweating with intensity at what happens next! Othello? Risk? Yahtzee?

Anyhoo…what I find especially clever is that it is now morning and our 4 thieves are still dressed in black and look like…thieves. Not too conspicuous! Especially in black leather jackets, black pants and gloves!

They have driven to a dock and dropped the jewels at the bottom of a river to hide them. Then it’s to the getaway boat after the policia are on their tail.

Ah, but soon they will have us all fooled, changing into dorky fisherman’s clothes that come in handy when pulled over by the Brazilian sea police. Soon we find out Franciscus is in on the heist (shock!) with our gang, but there is tension, mistrust, anger and disturbingly tight 70’s shorts involved! So, two of our hotheads (who are brothers) are told to cool out in Rio while the others stay put for 60 days (makes little sense, but this is Killer Fish after all).

One of our hothead brothers is leaving the hotel for Rio-claiming a sexfest is in the forecast. He tells us, “When we start to boogie tonight, that plastic Jesus up on the hill is gonna have to turn his back!”. Yeah, baby!

By the way, here’s the longer trailer making the film look even more…awesome?

These same boobs decide to check in on the jewels first and fuckin’ finally, we see someone die over a half hour in, as a moron gets eaten by something though we see nothing but water and blood.

“Let’s see ya boogie with those piranha in that suit!”

A pitiful subplot has Hemingway as a model with a gay, fat photographer (the guy from an early Seinfeld episode who insulted Kramer’s drunken Mom!) and is creepily being followed by a sexually deprived Majors. And, in possibly the WORST come-on scene ever, Majors struts up in his bell bottoms as Hemingway is doing a photo shoot at the hotel’s pool. As she spins for a shot, she knocks Majors in the pool.

She apologizes and he says, “That’s alright, it could happen to anyone”, any pulls her into the pool. He then says to her as they soak, “We’ve gotta stop meeting like this”, and she states, “Well buy me dinner then!”. Nauseating? Hell yes. Only positive? She’s not wearing a bra, and her dress is now see-through so we get much needed breastage.

“I have 6 million dollar nipples, and you don’t!”

It gets worse though. In another ineptly directed scene, Majors is called away from dinner but there is no call. It’s actually Black who wants to know where the two hothead brothers are. By now Majors knows what has happened as the one brother returned just before he went to dinner and informed Majors of the death of the other brother. ‘Ol Lee tells Black things will be fine and walks away.

Black doesn’t like this and she yells at him…just as Hemingway comes around the corner! Cat fight! Hemingway’s character then says (and I’m not sure to whom), “There’s a difference between bi-sexuals and two timers” as she disgustedly looks on. Then Black gets all feisty and proclaims, “Really? Which are you?”.

WHAT??? Not only does this make no sense and it’s terrible dialogue, but Hemingway sounds like Bugs Bunny crunching a carrot. If you don’t laugh hard at this scene, you upset me.


“Yeah, that’s right, you know I’m shexy you wascally wabbit”.

Majors decides to join Black for a visit to the scene to make sure the jewels are still and arrive to see Pastorini and the other idiot brother both die but yet again, we see NO killer fishies. But we do get aquatic water sounds whatever that’s worth.

When running back to her lover Franciscus, Black sees that he is feeding his fish as usual in his tanks, but wait… those fish are piranha! Yes, Franciscus with his bad explanatory dialogue informs us he placed a bunch of piranha in the river (wait-don’t they already HAVE those in Brazil?) to protect the jewels. The rest of our gang are now on a boat which looks very much like a Fisher Price toy and a storm has hit. What else to do but play MORE FUCKING BACKGAMMON?

“The stakes will intensify when we play Ants In The Pants, I promise you that”.

A twister comes out of nowhere and a dam bursts and our toy model somehow holds on although I am sad to report the backgammon table does fall over. A pitiful “skirmish” occurs between Franciscus and Majors that looks as fake as could be, but screams from the deck interrupt them as we see some idiot being eaten by the fish (fish not visible). Why is he in the water? Don’t know.

“This seemed like a good idea. Tons of piranha and me in the water. What could go wrong?”.

Of course another idiot jumps overboard to save him and there are only 2 problems:

1. The first moron is already dead and in a pool of blood

2. This jackass is diving into a school of piranha But, our hero comes back on board bloodied and chopped up-yet alive so he can stammer some dramatic words here and there for a while as he bleeds.

Back at the resort, the cleanup from the storm goes on and at least an annoying kid in a disturbing grape smuggler bathing suit gets attacked by the piranhas, and damn well deserved it.

Back to our stranded folk, the decision is made to get to shore by making a raft out of what looks like a fishing trap. Who goes first? The fat guy and a skinny girl. The fat guy gets eaten right away after getting bit and falling off. At least the fish had a significant meal. When the skinny chick falls over it’s more of an appetizer. By the way-she falls over for absolutely no reason.

“I, the gay fat man never stood a chance against the piranha did I?”.

A plane sees our stranded buffoons below, but crashes in the rainforest as if you care. The 2 on board survive. The big showdown sees Franciscus pull a gun out and hop on board an inflatable raft.

“I have a beard, so you know you can’t trust me and I will soon leave you stranded with the piranha. One last game of backgammon first?”.

Majors dives in to stop him and gets bit to pieces, but what’s especially hilarious is not once, not twice but THRICE our man Franciscus hits Majors over the head with a paddle and each time the $6 Million Dollar Man falls back into the water and gets eaten but keeps coming back for more. Majors gives up and swims back to the boat, bloodied and bitten, now worth just $2 million ha ha.

“I was told this film was going to be good by my agent. Damn-fooled again!”.

Ah, Majors was crafty though, as he pulled the plug on the raft and Franciscus will soon sink to his death at the teeth of the very piranha he himself unleashed.

“nom, nom, nom”.

In the end, the rest survive, still have the jewels, blah blah blah. Who the fuck cares? You will see worse films than Killer Fish, but it is pretty lame. A nice cast and decent cinematography make things tolerable, but the crappy dialogue, sluggish , bad miniatures and Disco songs make most of the film laughable.  And laugh I did.

Fun Facts:

1. Killer Fish was aired on American television as Deadly Treasure Of The Piranha in 1982. That didn’t change how bad it was.

2. The late TV personality Gary Collins was in this film. Collins hosted Hour Magazine for years and won an Emmy and he hosted the Miss America Pageant from 1982-90. Really.

3. Director  Antonio Margheriti also went under the name Anthony M. Dawson. Can’t blame him there.

Killer Fish  (1979):

2 beagles out of 4 for awfulness

Q: Should you see Killer Fish?

A: It has piranhas and Lee Majors idiot-of course you should.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment