I haven’t done a blog entry in a long time because I was writing a music book and that is due early next year. More on that later. But it is now time to return with something painful.
We know Hollywood has run out of ideas. This happened decades ago. However, it is still mystifying to look back and ahead at the numerous sequels that have infected society over the years.
This will be painful, I warn you. But it is necessary to laugh and laugh we will at just some of the wretched sequels that nobody in their right mind would ever have asked for or thought could have possibly made more than $1.35 at the box office.
This list is in no particular order and I am not including direct to video sequels because those are all shit and far too easy a target.
I could’ve included far more films than this, but it was too painful to go much further.
1.) Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993)
box office gross: $12.7 million
I loved the original Weekend At Bernie’s from 1989. It was original, funny and stupid in a good way. The sequel however, was abysmal and the idea of adding voodoo into the mix was a good idea to who, exactly?
The tagline of “Bernie’s Back…And He’s Still Dead!” was obviously the creation of a lowly intern.
2.) Teen Wolf Too (1987)
box office gross: $7.9 million
Words that probably very few have uttered in the history of the world: “Two tickets for Teen Wolf Too please”.
I love Jason Bateman-he’s so damn funny in that deadpan way, and he is brilliant on Arrested Development. Good lord, who did he wrong to be in this debacle?
Just look at this shitty poster. I’m guessing we’re supposed to be laughing that he’s reading State Leash Laws and The Wolfman Cometh? Well, this wolfman cometh and goeth from theaters quicker than people attending a Biz Markie concert.
3.) Conan the Destroyer (1984)
box office gross: $31 million
Here’s a great idea: let’s get Grace Jones, Mako AND Wilt Chamberlain to star in a Conan sequel with Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Two great things about Conan The Destroyer: (1.) It ends and (2.) It’s some of the finest unintentional comedy one can enjoy.
4.) Son of the Mask (2005)
box office gross: $17.0 million
Jamie Kennedy, you are a menace to humanity.
Bob Hoskins must still punish himself daily for being in this abomination.
5.) Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)
box office gross: $9.4 million
Regarded as one of the worst films in cinematic history, Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 raises a whole host of questions.
Did everyone associated with this film live in shame with scorn as they deserved? Did these children ever erase the psychological scars of having been mentally abused by their parents by signing them up for this piece of whale shit?
Scott Baio? Well, it was kinda his destiny to be in this. But what about Jon Voight? First you bit Kramer’s arm and now this. Sad.
When you’ve earned a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, you’ve achieved a special place in cinematic hell.
6.) Mannequin Two: On the Move (1991)
box office gross: $3.7 million
The first Mannequin was sickening enough, as was the Starship’s #1 song “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” from the soundtrack, but here we go with a sequel that approximately 3 people asked for, all of whom are on this poster.
7.) Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983)
box office gross: $7 million
This pile of quail sperm set new lows in cinematic history.
Initially, this pitiful mess was known as Smokey IS The Bandit with Jackie Gleason playing both roles. Test audiences hated it, so the producers went back and begged Jerry Reed to come back and become the next Bandit. Burt Reynolds has a cameo at the end and probably was forced to appear due to incriminating photos of he and an alpaca in sex games.
This mvoie also uses stock footage from the first two films. The original movie made over $300 million. This one? A robust $7 million.
8.) The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000)
Box office gross: $35.2 million
This was a kick in the rocks to every executive at Universal involved with this dreck. No dinopeptic germ could have saved this joke from failure.
9. Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
box office gross: $20.8 million
Jaws is one of the greatest films ever made.
Jaws: The Revenge is not.
A great quote from Michael Caine about being in this piece of fish shit: “I have never seen it [the film], but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific”!
If only I had been as fortunate as Caine and had not seen this laughable fuckfest. Yeah, my friends and I paid to see this in theaters.
Somewhere from beyond Quint is ready to kick my ass for doing so.
10.) Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005)
box office gross: $22.4 million
Answering all of the questions that had been plaguing people since the first film, here’s your sequel folks!
Rob Schenider defies logic, but he has more money than I will ever see. Keep licking Adam Sandler’s nutsack Rob, it’s been working so far!
11.) C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud (1988)
box office gross: N/A
C.H.U.D. remains a cult classic. It was campy, schlocky horror and I proudly still have my ticket stub from 1984 when I saw it in theaters.
Here, we have a sequel from 1988 that was unwelcome. Turning C.H.U.D. into a zombie comedy was probably a great idea on smack, but in reality, not so much. How dare they tarnish the C.H.U.D. name!
12.) Caddyshack II (1988)
box office gross: $11.8 million
Don’t they all look so happy?
Knowing that they were in one of the worst films of all-time, they shouldn’t have been.
Rodney Dangerfield wisely backed out of this travesty, but Chevy Chase, the only boob from the first film desperate enough to appear rightfully felt shame.
Jackie Mason? REALLY? Could they have picked anyone more unfunny? And, making the gopher talk? For fuck’s sake! At least Bill Murray sued over that as a co-creator of the furry guy and won.
Let’s just say Caddyshack II was way under par. (Too easy?)
13.) Basic Instinct 2 (2006)
box office gross: $6.0 million
Even the promise of Sharon Stone’s nether-regions couldn’t drag anyone into theaters to see this sham.
One of the biggest box office disasters ever, it cost $70 million and grossed $6 million (although overseas it did far better because people there are stupid).
Basic Instinct II will leave you laughing and limp of penis. Enjoy.
14.) The Bad News Bears go to Japan (1978)
box office gross: $7.1 million
A big swing and a miss here.
Tony Curtis as the manager? Worse than Philippe Aumont’s career ERA (never heard of that bum? Check out his career stats with the Phillies and cry).
Note that the poster says “All New! Never Seen Before!”. How right they were…it still hasn’t been seen.
15.) Blues Brothers 2000 (1998)
box office gross: $14 million
John Belushi needs to come back and kick Dan Ackroyd’s ass for this disgrace. I never even liked the original, but I doubt any human beings could say they enjoyed this piece of shit.
The little shit in the suit in this film deserves to be dunked nude into a vat of electric eels (not killed mind you, just tortured like anyone who saw this movie).
Are you a proud owner of the Blues Brothers 2000 Nintendo 64 game? No? Join the rest of the world.
16.) Home Alone 3 (1997)
box office gross: $30.9 million
Gee, that first guy in the window doesn’t look TOO much like Daniel Stern does he? I love the first two Home Alone films, but this is a Christmas crime.
Somewhere Macauley Culkin was snorting blow off a male prostitute’s ass in anger.
What a banner year FOX had with this bomb and the film below…
17.) Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)
box office gross: $48 million
This disaster only cost $165 million to make, so let’s do the math here…$165 million to make, $48 million gross…equals BOMB.
It DID get a prestigious 8 Golden Raspberry nominations!
Speed was fun. Speed 2: Cruise Control was not. Take your pick, but to me, I’d rather have rhubarb rubbed on my nuts for three hours straight then endure this turd on the sea.
18.) Batman and Robin (1997)
box office gross: $107.3 million
This cinematic rectal exam almost killed off any other Batman films from ever being made.
Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze??? “Ice to see you” Arnie, you hack. Let’s not even bother talking about Robin.
George Clooney went into witness protection after this one.
19.) Rocky V (1990)
box office gross: $40 million
Yes, Sylvester Stallone seemed all smiles on the poster but even he admitted much later on, that Rocky V was a pile of snail shit.
It must have taken the producers years to come up with that creative tagline “Go For It”. Brilliant, guys. Of course, this starred professional boxer Tommy Morrison pre-HIV. Morrison was such a lovely chap, he had two wives at once.
Stallone would save the series in 2006 with Rocky Balboa which was actually well done (if not ludicrous) and made $156 million worldwide. A new Rocky film is being shot in Philly in 2015.
“Go for it” dude!
20.) Fletch Lives (1989)
box office gross: $35.1 million
Franchise dies.
21.) Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1993)
box office gross: $7.0 million
The real sacrifice was the 94 minutes it took to watch this embarrassment.
22.) Grease 2 (1982)
box office gross: $15.2 million
Michelle Pfeiffer looks worried about her future career on the poster and no wonder. Grease 2 was horrific and the songs were pathetic.
Maxwell Caulfield had a career before Grease 2 and was without one after it. Pfeiffer of course, did just fine. Two more sequels had been planned but after this mess, those plans were scrapped.
23.) Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)
box office gross: $15.6 million
Superman was grounded for close to two decades after this cinematic abortion.
Christopher Reeve regretted the whole fiasco and Cannon Films basivally went bankrupt and pinched every penny making what was already a train wreck 100 times worse.
The film looked like shit and certainly was. After Superman III it was hard to believe another film got made, but then again, calling this a “film” is generous.
24.) Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991)
box office gross: $2.8 million
The original The Blue Lagoon was downright creepy and was outlandishly awful.
A decade later, why not an outlandishly awful sequel? This flop should’ve been dropped in a septic tank, not a lagoon.
Oh, if you’re looking for a lot of nudity, you’ll see more at a nude Abe Vigoda poetry slam and it will be more exciting.
25.) Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow (1994)
box office gross:
$0.1 million
We should all be surprised this debacle didn’t start another Cold War. This seventh-yes, SEVENTH Police Academy film would’ve had people fleeing theaters…that is, if anyone actually paid to see it.
The film “grossed” $126,247 in a mercifully brief theatrical run which at the very least did show that most Americans do have some common sense.
Nyet!
26.) Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj (2006)
box office gross: $6.1 million
Van Wilder: The Fall of Franchise.
27.) Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)
box office gross: $30.7 million
Regarded as one of the worst films in the history of cinema (not just as a sequel), Exorcist II: The Heretic is indeed, wretched. It takes a special kind of talent to ruin the genius of The Exorcist but director John Boorman sure as hell did.
Never a good sign when people are still laughing as they leave a screening, and that’s precisely what happened. Even last-minute cuts, re-writes and edits didn’t save this disaster.
And what about all those poor locusts who gave their lives for this disgrace? I love this very stinging comment from The Exorcist director William Friedkin:
“I was at Technicolor and a guy said ‘We just finished a print of Exorcist II, do you wanna have a look at it?’ And I looked at half an hour of it and I thought it was as bad as seeing a traffic accident in the street. It was horrible. It’s just a stupid mess made by a dumb guy – John Boorman by name, somebody who should be nameless but in this case should be named. Scurrilous. A horrible picture.”
Yep.
28.) Piranha II: The Spawning (1981)
box office gross: $1.2 million
Look, I LOVE underwater creature films. And, the first Piranha from 1978 was great fun with writing, effects and camp that worked perfectly.
The sequel here was a fishy mess, and yeah, it was indeed the directorial debut of James Cameron if you can believe that fish tale.
Cameron was fired during the making of the film by the clueless, bulbous Italian hack Ovidio Assonitis who gave us the woefully awful octopus thriller Tentacles which I happen to love in a bad way.
The idea of flying fish eating annoying tourists was just fine, but the murky look, bad writing and acting offered little evidence of Cameron’s genius. Then again, the film was drastically changed from what he had shot on a tight budget. There was some mediocre nudity and decent gore, but as far as scares go, the Charlie the Tuna guy had more bite.
Titanic, Avatar, True Lies, The Abyss and The Terminator to name but a few made slightly more money than this chum.
29.) Leprechaun: Origins (2015)
box office gross: $0.1 million
’tis a tragedy that this most unluckiest of charms ever existed.
I’ll come clean: I actually enjoyed the first three Leprechaun films and Leprechaun 2 actually holds special meaning for me (not because of the movie, but the company).
Yes, those films were hilarious and not scary, but damn did they make me laugh and Warwick Davis was…gold. Now, we have the dreaded franchise “re-boot” and it’s with some WWE wrestling dwarf named Hornswoggle. OK.
This movie has nothing to do with the following: Leprechaun, talent, scares and good directing.
There’s no luck o’ the Irish here, so after watching this no leaf clover, take a cold shower with some Irish Spring and forget what you’ve seen.
30.) Godzilla 1985 (1985)
box office gross: $4.1 million
Shit, did this piss me off.
As a lifelong Godzilla fan, I was sickened at how abysmal this piece of shit was. Mothra wouldn’t even dignify this atrocity by pooping on it.
New World Pictures would go out of business a few years later and this was one of the reasons why. This joke also had an animated featurette Bambi Meets Godzilla attached to it which was even worse than it sounds.
Godzilla 1985 ruined the Godzilla name for many, many years in North America and it wouldn’t be until 2000 that a Godzilla film finally appeared here again. By the way, the 2014 film Godzilla was damn good and a hit with a sequel on the way.
31.) It’s Alive III: Island of the Alive (1987)
box office gross: N/A
OK, I have a guilty pleasure in the first It’s Alive which was creepy, cheesy and devilishly good fun all at once. It Lives Again was just fine and hey, if we can have one demon baby killing milkmen, why not have three demon babies?
However, the third installment was putrid. Having them ostracized to an island and making AIDS commentary was laughable and misguided. The film barely played anywhere before quickly hitting the video stores and languishing on the shelf with the dust of the ashamed.
32. Daddy Day Camp (2007)
box office gross: $13.2 million
Let’s analyze a few things here:
Cuba Gooding Jr. is literally screaming at the end of his career and we get to watch it.
There’s a fat kid. There always is.
There’s a skunk because this film stinks.
And, can’t you just imagine the glee from the intern who came up with the tagline of “The Summer Is Going To Be In Tents”?
8 Golden Raspberry nominations is impressive as well as one win for Worst Prequel or Sequel!
How in the hell did this ever get approved by ANYONE with a college degree?
33.) Analyze That (2002)
box office gross: $32.1 million
Don’t Billy Crystal and Robert DeNiro just look like they feel the weight of disaster?
34.) Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)
box office gross: $14.3 million
Even Jason wouldn’t see this one.
Most of this travesty takes place on a fuckin’ boat. Very little is in Manhattan and in fact, most of the filming was in Canada.
They should’ve taken a hatchet to director Rob Hedden and the script.
35.) The Concorde…Airport ’79 (1979)
box office gross: $13.0 million
This unintentionally hilarious disaster flick was just that-a disaster.
You want George Kennedy nude? Check.
You want special effects that look worse than something filmed on 8mm in your backyard? Check.
You want a bunch of has-been actors and actresses from TV hacking their way through poorly written dialogue? Check.
Jimmy “J.J.” Walker of Good Times as a Jazz saxophonist? Dyn-o-mite!
Sylvia Kristel of the quite naked Emmanuelle films trying to forget what she’s doing in this film all coked up? You got it!
Charo smuggling chihuahuas onto the plane while pretending to be blind? Of course!
Martha Raye constantly running into the bathroom with loose bowels? Shit yeah! (pun intended)
Any film starring John Davidson is trash and that’s what this, the 4th in the Airport series was. It’s outlandishly bad, even by late 70’s standards. When a guy shoots a flare from the cockpit any credibility goes out the window (and has more of a shot than a flare at Mach II speed).
Kennedy also spouts the line, “Why do you think they call it a COCKpit?” to a female stewardess which is, well, pathetic.
Someone is clearly trying to blow the Concorde up (and somehow it really is the Concorde in the film), and the maneuvers to avoid the would-be assassins are hilarious and poorly executed such as flying upside down and a model plane “crashing” into a forest of trees.
And yet, people get BACK on board for the rest of the flight!
This is a must see if you enjoy wretched cinema.
36.) Amityville 3-D (1983)
box office gross: $6.3 million
Hoo boy, was this a shitfest.
Awful 3-D effects, an awful script and a laughable demon made for a nice night of staying away from movie theaters and judging by the pitiful box office for this joke, that’s what people did in droves.
The tagline “WARNING: In this movie you are the victim” couldn’t have been any more accurate for anyone submitting themselves to this torture. Oh yeah, Meg Ryan was in this, but wishes she hadn’t been.
37.) Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988)
box office gross: $14.7 million
Careers on the rocks.
38.) Cocoon: The Return (1988)
box office gross: $18.9 million
Not only did nobody ask for, or want this sequel, but Wilfred Brimley’s highly-anticipated nude scene was cut! Sacrilege I say!
39.) Curse of the Pink Panther (1983)
box office gross: $3.4 million
What a fucking turkey this was.
Carrying on after the death of Peter Sellers was idiotic and making a pile of steaming garbage such as this was tragic.
Ted Wass was quite a choice, and he was last seen working at Arby’s.
Which leads to…
40.) Son of The Pink Panther (1993)
box office gross: $2.4 million
Yes, Roberto Benigni the idiot who we all loved for 5 seconds at the Oscars for Life is Beautiful was somehow allowed to continue his career after this blasphemy.
Even worse than its predecessor (and that’s saying something), this was a colossal flop after $28 million was spent on the turd. Arrivederci you Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee reject!
41.) The Odd Couple II (1988)
box office gross: $18.9 million
The Odd Couple II.
The jokes: zero.
42.) Jaws 3-D (1983)
box office gross: $42.2 million
The pain. The pain. The pain.
Jaws is one of the GREATEST films ever made (we already went over that). And ya know, Jaws 2 was a pretty good sequel though it had flaws.
However, the disgraces that the next two films were offers up the stench of anchovies, feet and Old Spice.
Jaws 3-D is so incompetent and inept, it’s mind-boggling. The 3-D effects are woeful and the acting and writing are piss-poor. Really, the acting blows! Only 5 Golden Raspberry nominations?
It’s such a shame that the Jaws name was attached to this whale vomit (a whale would throw up a shark not the other way around, so my bad joke works here).
43.) Little Fockers (2010)
box office gross: $148.4 million
Fock all of you.
44.) Meatballs III: Summer Job (1986)
box office gross: $2.1 million
Things I would not say to a chick at an office Christmas party #1: “I was in Meatballs III. Would you like to go back to my place”?
45.) The Next Karate Kid (1994)
box office gross: $8.9 million
Miyagi say this film like Kathy Bates nude: not good.
46.) Look Who’s Talking Too (1990)
box office gross: $47.8 million
Look who’s vomiting too?
Me!
47.) The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat (1974)
box office gross: $0.7 million
While the first one was a drugged-out piece of cat litter with animated cats and other animals screwing, drugging, killing and “fighting the man”, there wasn’t one damn soul asking for a follow-up.
This bomb actually saw a wasted Fritz hallucinating at one point that he was Hitler’s psychiatrist. Funny stuff. Not. Ever.
And dialogue was so concise and well written like this exchange between the cat and his “old lady”.
Old Lady: “You’re a no-good Fritz. What do you have to say for yourself?”
Fritz: “Suck my dick”.
Genius. Absolute genius.
48.) Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015)
box office gross: $69.3 million
Humanity gave up. It just gave up.
49.) The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006)
box office gross: $84.5 million
This film actually forced the cancellation of Christmas in 2006.
50.) Porky’s Revenge (1985)
box office gross: $20.5 million
The second one was awful enough. Not as awful as this poster, mind you.
There was quality nudity though.
And how the hell did they get Jeff Beck, Robert Plant, Dave Edmunds and George Harrison recording for the soundtrack to this inbred pile of yak droppings? I do not know.
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