This has been done before, and will be done again. However, I’ve never done it-so now it is my delight to bring you 25 truly wretched Christmas album covers (and the music ain’t good either) to hopefully add a little horror, shame and laughs to your holiday season.
I chose 25 albums-one giant yule log o’ poop for each day leading to Christmas. Let’s just call it my advent calendar from hell-just for you!
1. Thore Skogmans Julskiva-Klappa Pa!
My name be Thorne! You bring da fun, and I bring da sausage! Do I creep you out? Dis is not my intention, but please stay; I am lonely for holiday.
2. Ann Guest Moore-Welcome to the World of Ann Guest Moore
What’s moore off here (like my “Moore” pun?)…that Ann is a filthy slut sitting on Santa’s yule log, or that was somehow 1986 when it looks like a relic from 1966 at best???
3. William Hung-Hung For The Holidays
This is an obvious one, but I must say if William was actually hung for the holidays, I’d have no problems drinking some egg nog to that.
4. Paul Holt-Fifty Grand For Christmas
Fifty Grand? I think Paul would take 50 cents to put towards a better album cover. That actually might go towards some better hookers as well.
5. Captain & Tennille- The Secret Of Christmas
Good lord, the secret is to know when to stop and just hibernate for the winter. The Captain looks like he swallowed the whole crew!
6. Heino-Deutsche Weihnacht…und festliche Lieder
Heino-you had me with that collar of yours!
7. Star Wars Intergalactic Droid Choir & Chorale-“What Can You Get A Wookiee For Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb?)”
OK, not an album but a single. Still, this abomination was put together by Disco clown Meco and eats a giant Tusken Raider-sized poop. Little known fact of humiliation: A young pre-fame Jon Bon Jovi sings on this!
8. various artists-A First Christmas Record For Children
This Santa could use some pants and a torching from the Heat Miser. Damn.
9. Lenny Dee-Happy Holi-dee
The disclaimer for this masterpiece: ALL animals were harmed during the recording of this album. If only they knew what was waiting for them under the Christmas tree wearing nothing but a smile and fig leaf.
10. Christopher Bowes- Christmas At The Organ
Think of it ladies-an evening of Mr. Bowes regaling us on his male organ and drinking his drugged wine, waiting to open the gifts of boxed-up body parts under the tree. Happy holidays!
11. Gunther & The Sunshine Girls-Christmas Song (Ding Dong)
I’m thinking our friend Gunther gets his “ding dong” licked by that poor, wretched dog each night. That ‘stache and Gunther’s pouty lips make me want to cancel Christmas.
12. Marcy-Sing With Marcy
“MY NAME IS MARCY AND ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS COMPLETE WORLD DOMINATION. SPEND YOUR $1.98 ON THIS ALBUM SILLY HUMAN, AS IT IS THE LAST THING YOU WILL EVER DO!”.
13. Some Korean guy-White Christmas
Looks like this guy got his Christmas wish-an egg nog enema.
14. Afroman-Afroman’s A Colt 45 Christmas
Now THIS is a fuckin’ holiday album!
15. ???-24 Sint Nicolaasliedjes
Looks like everyone’s having a festive blast…I think. How many laws were broken on this most unholy night I wonder?
16. Rudy Ray Moore-This Ain’t No White Christmas!
There’s not enough garland to cover up this visual hell. I’d say staying far away from the mistletoe is highly advisable at this party.
17. Bordell Mammas-Julvisor
I think the most disturbing thing here is that Santa has a bag of dicks. The odd nipple placement on the heavy chick is a mite confusing as well.
18. Liberace-Twas the Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a man-servant had clothes on, and Libercae was soused…”
19. Dominic Savino And His Orchestra And His Chorus-Hi-Fi Christmas Party
The little boy seems a little too excited about Santa’s elongated sack. What in God’s name is going on here? There should’ve been more than one arrest at this photo shoot.
20. Stand and Doug-Go Nuts At Christmas
There’s just not enough egg nog in the world for me to ask what’s happening to that clown and this disturbing performance of “The Nutcracker”…
21. Menudo-Feliz Navidad
What’s a Christmas without some Menudo? (Answer: Pretty damn good, actually).
22. Gaby Berger-Du bist nicht der Weichnachts -mann
Has Gaby satisfied her Santa Klaus lover into a state of shock? Where the hell is Krampus when you need him?
23. David Hasselhoff- The Night Before Christmas
Not a creature was stirring…not even the Hoff. Then again, all creatures fled this Yuletide from Hell.
24. Kenny & Corkey- Nuttin’ For Christmas
I don’t know which one is Corky, but I do know that this give me the Christmas Creeps…
25. Xmas A Go-Go
I seriously want to party with these guys at the holidays. The drummer looks like a guy who may have killed at least 5 people, but hey, it’s Christmas A Go-Go!