100 pitiful album titles to laugh at


Although a bad title doesn’t necessarily mean the album sucks, it’s usually a clue. In this list I will give what I consider to be some of the worst album titles in music history a savage beating they deserve. If the music has any value, I will say so-but that’s not as fun.

There will be a few great albums and artists in here, but not many I promise. I tried to keep the Rap albums to a minimum because I wanted all music to be made fun of, and there just isn’t enough space in the world.

1. Fiona Apple-When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He’ll Win the Whole Thing ‘fore He Enters the Ring There’s No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won’t Matter, Cuz You’ll Know That You’re Right  (1999)

Pretentious chicks who look they ate no more than a lettuce leaf all week aren’t my thing, and lord, do I despise Fiona Apple. This album title goes beyond laughable-it’s like she’s making fun of herself in advance for us. Maybe I should wear a beret to understand it. Or maybe I should just hate it with a thousand hates instead.

2. Limp Bizkit-Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavored Water  (2000)

It’s easy to hate Fred Durst I admit it. But I do anyway. And, is it any shock this album has a reference to an anus? Anyone who bought this rightfully feels shame and most likely sold it on ebay for $0.49. Did the title make you think it was actually good?

3. Rare Earth-Willie Remembers (1972)

How did I not have this in my Worst Album Covers Ever blog? Jesus, this is ghastly. The title is too. Any wonder their career plummeted starting with this shitfest?

4. Toby Keith-Shock’n Y’All  (2003)

Not sure what’s worse here-the crappy cover art complete with tacky fireworks or this very, very forced pun. Toby should be shocked in his Keiths for this abomination.

5. Spooky Tooth-You Broke My Heart…So I Busted Your Jaw  (1973)

A terrible name to boot, Spooky Tooth came up with a good sentiment really. I  can’t argue with what they were saying, but I can argue that this is a wretched title (and album cover). The inside cartoon drawing is even worse.

6. REO Speedwagon-You Can Tune A Piano, But You Can’t Tuna Fish  (1978)

I applaud the attempt at being funny and using a dead fish, I do. However, it’s REO Speedwagon.

7. John Oates-Phunk Shui  (2002)

Hall would’ve told Oates-NO!

8. George Clinton-Hey Man…Smell My Finger  (1993)

No, George! A night at The Apollo this ain’t.

9. Jennifer Lopez-This Is Me…Then  (2002)

I like your boobs…then.

10. Ben Folds Five-The Unauthorized Biography Of Reinhold Messner  (1999)

It’s not wrong that I want to kick Ben Folds in the dick is it?

11. Landscape-From the Tea–rooms of Mars …. to the Hell–holes of Uranus  (1981)

OK-dreadful title for sure. But this album had the wonderfully demented “Norman Bates” and for that alone, I forgive them.

12. Meat Loaf-Hang Cool Teddy Bear  (2010)

One good thing here-consistency. The title blows, the cover blows and the music is horrific. The Meat Loaf has spoiled.

13. Mew-No More Stories Are Told Today, I’m Sorry They Washed Away // No More Stories, The World Is Grey, I’m Tired, Let’s Wash Away  (2009)

Isn’t this cute? A little poetry from these whiny, Danish pussies makes me want to puke. If you bought this album, you know you don’t stand much of a chance in life.

14. Paul McCartney-Kisses On The Bottom  (2012)

Paul must be at rock bottom to record this album of standards and then give it this title. He’s still great in concert, but this is sad. What would John Lennon say? I can only “imagine”. Ha ha.

15. Nelly Furtado-Whoa Nelly!  (2000)

I hate her music, so this was an easy call. Still, this title and the 60’s style graphics make the whole thing despicable.

16. The Unicorns-Who Will Cut Our Hair When We’re Gone?  (2003)

Gee, I don’t know-maybe a barber in Heaven? Who gives a shit? I want to know who will punch each member of The Unicorns in the junk when we’re gone?

17.  Wet Wet Wet-Popped In, Souled Out  (1987)

Pooped In, Soiled Out is more like it. An unfortunate title and album cover. Then there’s that band name…

18. Starship-Knee Deep In The Hoopla  (1985)

One look at the cover tells you this is garbage. Then you see the title. And then, you realize this album has “We Built This City”. And then you weep. A lot.

19. Tesla-Bust A Nut  (1994)

These guys are actually high-quality musicians, but this title is beyond pitiful. The play on words cover photo only adds to the budget-rack quality.

20. Amazing Rhythm Aces-How The Hell Do You Spell Rythum?  (1980)

I’ll help you guys spell rhythm. Ready? OK, here we go…F.U.!

21. Fall Out Boy-My Heart Will Always Be The b-side To My Tongue  (2004)

It’s really easy to pick on bands that suck, but when they release shit with a title like this it ups the hate factor that much more.

22.  Our Lady Peace-Happiness…Is Not A Fish That You Can Catch  (1999)

Alternate title for these hacks-Talent…Is Not A Trait That You Can Catch.

23. Terence Trent d’Arby-Neither Fish Nor Flesh  (1989)

When you tell the world you’re a genius and you put out an album like this, that career in pizza delivery is knocking at the door a lot louder.

24. T. Rex-My People Were Fair and Had Sky In Their Hair…But Now They’re Content to Wear Stars on Their Brows  (1968)

Smelly fuckin’ hippies…

25. Pat Metheny & Lyle Mays-As Falls Wichita, So Falls Wichita Falls  (1981)

Pat may be an excellent guitarist, but for shit’s sake this is frickin’ stupid, lame, forced and unfunny. Kinda like this blog now that I think about it.

26. Mewithoutyou-It’s All Crazy! It’s All False! It’s All A Dream! It’s Alright (2009)

It’s totally crap!

27. Midnight Star-No Parking On The Dance Floor  (1983)

What the hell does this title mean, and why weren’t those other idiots run over with that car?

28. Chumbawumba-The Boy Bands Have Won and All The Copyists and The Tribute Bands and The TV Talent Show Producers Have Won, If We Allow Our Culture To Be Shaped By Mimicry, Whether From Lack Of Ideas Or From Exaggerated Respect. You Should Never Try To Freeze Culture. What You Can Do Is Recycle That Culture. Take Your Older Brother’s Hand–Me–Down Jacket and Re–Style It, Re–Fashion It to the Point Where It Becomes Your Own. But Don’t Just Regurgitate Creative History, Or Hold Art And Music And Literature As Fixed, Untouchable And Kept Under Glass. The People
Who Try To ‘Guard’ Any Particular Form Of Music Are, Like The Copyists And
Manufactured Bands, Doing It The Worst Disservice, Because The Only Thing That
You Can Do To Music That Will Damage It Is Not Change It, Not Make It Your Own.
Because Then It Dies, Then It’s Over, Then It’s Done, and The Boy Bands Have
Won (2008)

Well, here we have the current world record holder of longest album title. Since it’s a Chumbawumba album we’ll assume that nobody bought it anyway. There’s not enough hammers in the world to smash each copy of this musical disgrace. I hope the boy bands DO win if this is the alternative.

29. Widespread Panic-Jackassolantern  (1996)

These pumpkins should be smashed.

30. Steps-Steptacular  (1999)

I’d like to step on all of these creeps (and possibly have my way with the redhead). Damn did the UK crank out some serious shit in the world of Pop in the late 90’s and Steps may have been the most offensive. Shittacular is more like it.

31. Isaac Hayes-Juicy Fruit (Disco Freak)  (1976)

Not Chef’s proudest moment here. Ain’t no juicy fruit at this orgy!

32. Helloween-Pink Bubbles Go Ape  (1991)

Sometimes you can predict the end of a career without much effort.

33. Ugly Kid Joe-Menace To Sobriety  (1995)

This would be funny if not for two things: (1.) It’s not funny, and (2.) It’s an Ugly Kid Joe album.

34. Southside Johnny & The Jukes-At Least We Got Shoes  (1986)

They had a chance to NOT use this title. Those shoes are not worthy of the title’s claim.

35. Sparks-Angst In My Pants  (1982)

I think Sparks are brilliant and they have some of the most hilarious and creative song titles ever. This is not evidence of either thing.

36. The Association-Waterbeds In Trinidad!  (1972)

So, let me get this one…they’re standing in snow and ice-certainly not a waterbed-and it’s not in Trindad. Oh, NOW I get it!

37. Ant Banks-Sittin’ On Somethin’ Phat (1993)

This title is offensive on so many levels and I don’t want to think about what this shitty cover COULD have been based on the title.

38. Wishbone Ash-There’s The Rub  (1974)

Holy shit, is this one of the most poorly conceived album covers and titles ever. Are you kidding me? Disturbing. What’s worse is this incredible band recorded a great album and tainted it with this. Shameful.

39. Alice Cooper-Zipper Catches Skin  (1982)

Not Alice’s proudest moment, this bomb was issued when he was drinking himself to death. A good enough excuse usually, but not for this.

40. Cher-Half Breed  (1973)

In the late 80’s in tribute to her (lack of) attire Cher would release Half-Assed.

41. Dishwalla-Pet Your Friends  (1995)

Everything that was wrong with 90’s “Alternative Rock” is on display here. These talentless, faceless shittards thought they were being coy here. This album of course had the uber-wretched “Counting Blue Cars”. When last seen, Dishwalla were seen playing an Arby’s opening in South Dakota.

42. Steve Miller Band-Italian X-Rays  (1984)

It just makes sense that this album blew woodchuck penis. With a title like Italian X-Rays was there a chance in hell this would be any good? A career low point for sure and if you’ve ever seen the video for “Bongo Bongo” good luck not crying.

43. Jermaine Jackson-Let Me Tickle Your Fancy  (1982)

Michael tickled Bubbles’ fancy (and McAuley Culkin’s). Let’s hope he didn’t get to to Jermaine. 

44. Elton John-Leather Jackets  (1986)

This musical disgrace was at Elton’s lowest point when he was snorting blow off many a young man’s bare ass every night. What the fuck does the cover have to do with a jacket?

45. James Taylor-Dad Loves His Work  (1981)

And Mom hates this album. Nice goggles, J.T.

46. Stryper-To Hell With The Devil  (1986)

This is one battle Satan needed to win. Damn fool Satan is-Stryper are still together!

47. Barbara Streisand-Yentl  (1983)

Heh-heh. Yentl.

48. Ted Nugent-If You Can’t Lick ‘Em, Lick ‘Em  (1988)

Surprised there’s no camel toe here. I stress this point-sometimes the artist knows they’ve created musical fecal matter and go full tilt adding an abysmal cover and title. The perfect storm as they say. A career nadir for Terrible Ted.

49. Iggy Pop-Naughty Little Doggie  (1996)

Pains me to mock the great James Osterberg Jr., but Naughty Little Iggy cranked out a real turd here. Looks like a $1 find at a thrift store because it is.

50. Aerosmith-Honkin’ On Bobo  (2004)

While I don’t doubt Steven Tyler has honked on some bobo during his drug-induced hazes, this title blows thousands of chunks.

51. Tom Jones-The Tom Jones Fever Zone  (1968)

And where would that fever zone be exactly, Tom? Ewwww.

52. Originoo Gunn Clappaz-The M-Pire Shrikez Back  (1999)

I can’t even get past the group name let alone the album title. These guys all went on to become college professors. Excuse me, I meant professaz! 

53. Cheap Trick-Woke Up With A Monster  (1994)

One of the best bands ever! However, this serious misfire was an atrocity musically, visually and graphically. Another serious candidate for my Worst Album Covers ever blog entry. A bomb in every way.

54. Ten Years After-SSSSH.  (1969)

Quiet! Awful album title in progress, now please be respectful.

55. Chris Jagger-The Adventures Of Valentine Vox, The Ventriloquist  (1974)

When you’re Mick’s little brother, this is what you’re reduced to.

56. Van Halen-OU812  (1988)

Rather good album from the Sammy era, rather shitty and unfunny album title. As Spinal Tap once said, “There’s a fine line between stupid and clever”.

57. Incredible String Band-Liquid Acrobat As Regards The Air  (1972)

This takes pretentious to new, pitiful heights. I don’t care how many bong hits these douchebags had-this is supremely awful.

58. Isley Brothers-Baby Makin’ Music  (2006)

First off, babies should never be made. And definitely not to decrepit R&B music from old guys with canes. So, let’s pretend this never happened.

59. Rhinoceros-Satin Chickens  (1969)

Satin Chickens? Really? To think they had enough time NOT to use that name. Then again, this was Rhinoceros.

60. Paul Revere & The Raiders-Alias Pink Puzz  (1969)

I’ll admit it-I kinda dig this album title but freely admit it’s really terrible. Pink Puzz was actually a real alias the band used at this point to get FM airplay because stations were now ignoring these hitmakers. So…Alias Pink Puzz! Clever and groovy, man.

61. Bob Seger-Smokin’ O.P.’s  (1972)

What a lame title from an album that Seger now ignores. Smokin’ O.P.’s is slang for smoking other people’s cigarettes. The album cover looks like an even shittier cigarette than Lucky Strike. I’ve never puffed a cigarette so I’ve never smoked o.p.’s and I wouldn’t say that even if I did.

62. Bill Withers- +’ Justments  (1974)

Again, I hate putting great artists here, but damn is this frickin’ wretched! + ‘Justments? Really? Of course, we all get the bad pun right? Adjustments! Oh, I get it-it’s not funny or clever. But it DOES suck weenus.

63. Coheed & Cambria-Good Apollo, I’m Burning Star IV, Volume One: From Fear Through The Eyes Of Madness  (2005)

Can you really recite this album title and not laugh at their “art”? Horrendous!

64. Sheila E.-Sex Cymbal  (1991)

Sheila E. can beat my drum anytime. She’s hot and she’s an incredible, powerful drummer. But she also called an album Sex Cymbal, so now she can’t sleep with me.

65. The Clash-Cut The Crap  (1985)

This barely qualifies as a Clash album and ironically it is indeed a huge, steaming pile of…crap! Joe Strummer what were you thinking?

66. Rachael Yamagata-Elephants…Teeth Sinking Into Heart  (2008)

I have an idea-let’s get all the pretentious “Alternative” singer/songwriters together, strip them naked and dunk them in a vat of venomous squid. Sink into that, you boob.

67. Fishbone-Chim Chim’s Badass Revenge  (1996)

Man, how I loved these guys in college. Then this album came out.

68. Bee Gees-Size Isn’t Everything  (1993)

A title like that ain’t bringing in the groupies, guys.

69. Nina Hagen-Nunsexmonkrock  (1982)

Nina Hagen is a freak. Still, this title is woeful. One listen to her faux-operatic caterwauling is like a baseball bat in the anus.

70. Kim Carnes-Barking At Airplanes  (1985)

My dog barks at: people, other dogs, the mailman, my cats and the doorbell. He does not bark at airplanes. Why? Because he can’t fucking hear them.

71. Ian Hunter & Mick Ronson-Y U I ORTA  (1989)

Love Ian Hunter solo and with Mott The Hoople. Love Mick Ronson on guitar with Bowie and Mott as well. Do NOT love this stupid title which is an awful play on the phrase “Why you, I oughta!” which they should’ve said to their manager for allowing this title.

72. Shontelle-Shontelligence  (2008)

She’s hot, but she doesn’t look very shontelligent and neither did the label for allowing this album to be titled that.

73. Foghat-Girls To Chat & Boys To Bounce  (1981)

Well, if you’re going to be called Foghat why not come up with one of the worst titles ever and then use a pathetic cover? What does this even mean? Well, it meant the end of the success they enjoyed, that’s for damn sure.

74. David Bromberg-Bandit In A Bathing Suit  (1978)

This doesn’t even deserve my commentary.

75. Belle And Sebastian-Fold Your Hands Child, You Walk Like A Peasant (2000)

My advice to these pretentious twits: fold your hands, walk like a peasant and beat yourself senseless with a mallet and do us all a favor.

76. Stanky Brown Group-If The Lights Don’t Get You The Helots Will  (1977)

Here’s one of those trifectas: bad cover, bad title, bad band name. The music you ask? Wretched!

77.  Sleeze Beez-Screwed, Blued & Tattooed  (1990)

The album title is awful enough…but the Sleeze Beez? Go back to your windmills and clogs in the Netherlands guys-you are not welcome here.

78. Cat Stevens-Izitso  (1977)

Izitso? As in “is it so?”. Yep. We won’t even touch the whole red yo-yo on red background thing, so let’s just say Cat smoked a lot of weed and though he was being clever and ironic. He wasn’t.

79. Joe Walsh-The Smoker You Drink, The Player You Get  (1973)

Great album Joe, but a big swing and a miss with this painfully unfunny title. See kids? Drugs really are a terrible thing. Look at the title this man used for his album in a coke-induced haze.

80. Erasure-Crackers International  (1988)

I don’t get it.

81. Kenny G-Classics In The Key Of G  (1999)

The key of “G” as in garbage. And a few other things.

82. Tori Amos-Boys For Pele  (1996)

Alright, we KNOW she’s pretentious (just look at the cover and read the lyrics), but what the hell does Boys For Pele mean? I hope it doesn’t mean the soccer legend plays with boys. Whatever it is, it’s awful.

83. Leo Kottke-My Feet Are Smiling  (1973)

Feet do not smile. And is juggling oranges relevant here? A brilliant guitarist, Kottke should be bludgeoned over the head with a sack of oranges for this foolishness.

84. Yo La Tengo-I’m Not Afraid Of You And I Will Beat Your Ass  (2006)

OK, I have to admit this title is awesome and I just wanted to put it on here.

85. Loudon Wainwright III-Attempted Mustache  (1973)

This is in the so bad it’s good category, but this title really does suck. Yet, it makes you think at the same time. Or not. Always thought the album cover was hilarious though.

86. Bobby Vinton-Santa Must Be Polish And Other Christmas Sounds Of Today  (1987)

This would ruin anyone’s holiday, anywhere, anytime.

87. Everclear-Songs From An American Movie Vol. Two: Good Time For A Bad Attitude  (2000)

The follow-up album was Vol. 3: How To Go From Arenas to State Fairs In 2 Easy Years.

88. Joe Satriani-Professor Satchafunkilus and the Musterion of Rock  (2008)

One of the world’s most amazing guitarists ever. However, let’s be real here-this title is worse than Kathy Bates nude, bathing in a tub of peanut butter. It really is.

89. Huey Lewis & News-Four Chords And Several Years Ago  (1994)

Four copies sold was more like it.

90. John Tesh Project-Sax On The Beach  (1995)

Everything about this is creepy, especially the man who made it. I need to excuse myself for a while to vomit.

91. REO Speedwagon-The Earth, A Small Man, His Dog And A Chicken  (1990)

Yep, here’s ‘ol REO yet again. It’s almost like they were begging to fail with this title and cover. Guess what? They hit the jackpot of failure.

92. Brides Of Funkenstein-Never Buy Texas From A Cowboy  (1980)

And never buy this album.

93. Bright Eyes-Lifted, or The Story Is In The Soil, Keep Your Ear To The Ground   (2002)

Can’t remember this ridiculous title? Don’t worry, the Emo kids will read it to you all night and sing the tender songs of Connor Oberst (aka Bright Eyes). Putrid.

94. Jimmy Buffett-Last Mango In Paris  (1985)

So many choices from this boob. Truly a master at bad song titles and bad album titles this one is pretty abysmal, but the man has many other candidates like A White Sport Coat And A Pink Crustacean. But I’ve always despised this one, so let’s enjoy it.

95. Glen Campbell-I Knew Jesus (Before He Was A Star)  (1973)

Then you would be really, really old wouldn’t you Mr. Campbell?

96. Kevin Federline-Playing With Fire  (2006)

We can only hope the fire won.

97. Terry Reid-Bang, Bang You’re Terry Reid  (1968)

Bang, bang your career is dead! Dude-you turned down Jimmy Page when he formed Led Zeppelin. I know, I know-the career as a cashier at Woolworth’s was worth it.

98. The Hollies-Moving Finger  (1971)

I truly think The Hollies are brilliant and I’m so happy they made the Rock N Roll Hall Of Fame (sham that it is). However, Moving Finger? Who the shit thought that sounded good? And look at the cover! I know sign language and it spells out the album title. Isn’t that neat? NO!

Some idiotic executive at the band’s US label must’ve come up with this on smack one day. The UK album title was Confessions Of The Mind. Was that so bad we needed this title in the States?

99. Pink Martini-Hey Eugene!  (2007)

Hey Assholes! Is this woman trying to drop a Eugene in the tub? Do I care?

100. Yanni-Devotion: The Best Of Yanni  (1997)

Just because.

 

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About chudbeagle

My name is Pete Braidis and I'm in Haddon Heights, New Jersey and my goal is to point out how bad so many album and book covers are as well as review classic (usually awful) creature/monster flicks. I also have a book due out in June 2016 dedicated to guitar players I feel have never gotten their due. I interviewed 50 players from around the world and it took nearly 2 years to complete. It's called Unstrung Heroes: Fifty Guitar Players You Should Know and here's the link: http://www.amazon.com/Unstrung-Heroes-Guitar-Greats-Should/dp/0764350889/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1454387582&sr=1-2&keywords=unstrung+heroes Sometimes, I'll actually do something normal like a band history with album reviews but I try to do the funny stuff because it's my job to make anyone that bothered coming on here to laugh.
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5 Responses to 100 pitiful album titles to laugh at

  1. Mike says:

    I have to admit that i did own a few of these

  2. Love this list, Pete. And thanks for voicing your dislike of Fiona Apple. I’ve only ever met people who (a) don’t know her music at all or (b) think she’s amazing and all of her albums are works of art. I don’t despise her, and there are similar artists that I do enjoy, but her public persona has definitely affected my ability to give her music a shot beyond what I’ve heard.

    I think I own about 10-12 of the albums on your list, and none of them are among the highlights of my music collection (especially that Elton John album)

    • chudbeagle says:

      Fiona Apple is awful and sooooooooo pretentious. Just read she had an outburst at the audience for chatting and not paying attention to her the other day…at a fashion show. How can you play a fashion show and claim credibility? Whatever. At least she did blog a touching post to her sick pet and that was beautiful actually. Aside from that, album titles like she used her are an example of why I can’t stand her music and persona!

      • I pretty much agree with everything you said. I usually try to look past a persona if the music is worth hearing, but there’s enough great music in the world and we don’t need to spend our time trying to like her. I also agree that the album titles are just so annoying.

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