1. The Uroclub
Yes, for $49.95 you can piss into a fake golf club and fool all your friends with your 3 inch handicap. This is a fake golf club with a hollow shaft (heh-heh, I’ll bet) and an opening at the top. It comes with a towel that drapes over it, so the golfer appears to be towelling off the club (really, he’s towelling off HIS club) when he’s actually urinating into it! Judging by the asshole friends this fat, old fool with the leaky bladder is playing with, people will actually watch. I HATE golf and golfers- so this is just more ammo.
2. Thirsty Dog Pet Drink This cat looks downright terrified and has big-ass eyes and claws at the ready for a reason! There were delicious flavors to choose from: Crispy Beef (for dogs) and Tangy Fish (for cats). The FDA even approved this for humans. Really. Anyway, this was a total bomb. After all-these guys lick their own junk so why would they need a bottle of Crispy Beef drink?
3. E.T.-The Extra-Terrestrial (The Game) E.T. phoned home for bankruptcy for Atari with this turkey! Universally regarded as one of the biggest disasters in video game history, this game led to the whole industry crashing back in 1983. This was so poorly thought out they only had 5 weeks to get the thing out by Christmas. The goal was to collect three pieces of an interplanetary telephone. Government agents were after you and you had to get all of the phone to “phone home”. You would lose energy and needed Reeces Pieces to stay alive. The graphics were pathetic and the game play beyond abysmal. It made no sense and every kid alive HATED it. Every parent bought it-and then returned it because it was so terrible. The game sold 1.5 million copies which was close to record sales-but the returns were also a record. And, 2.5-3.5 million copies went unsold! Atari made $25 million in sales but lost $100 million on E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial. Atari would report a $536 million dollar loss for 1983 and the Atari 2600 system and Atari were toast by 1984. Supposedly, the millions of cartridges were crushed and encased in cement in a landfill in New Mexico (Area 52 perhaps?). I proudly still have my copy for the far better but still lame Atari 400! E.T. himself was reduced to servicing lonely truckers sexually for his Reeces Pieces.
4. Gorilla Boogers Candy The Japanese are so far ahead of us in so many ways. But, Gorilla Boogers is not one of them. Plus, most of our kids pick their own boogers and those are free to eat.
5. Baby Wee Wee Yeah, this is real and first surfaced around 2007. Firstly, the creators of this abomination (I believe this is only available in the UK and Ireland thank God) are hopefully serving 20 to life. Secondly, this was the selling tagline: “Just like a real baby, wee-wee funny real action. I can say Papa, Mama, I will also cry or giggle, I also can leak. The more you play me, the happier I will be”. The creator’s place in hell was already reserved. Dad looks WAY too excited about baby Wee Wee’s wee-wee. I actually think I have found the most disturbing product in the history of the universe here. If this commercial from the UK doesn’t have you running from your phone or computer please never speak to me again. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE???
6. The XFL A pro football league for drunken white trash with made-up rules, terrible team names/logos, stripper cheerleaders and announced by WWE wrestlers? Somehow this sounded good to NBC in 2001, who lost a crapload on airing the games to ratings smaller than George Costanza’s shrinkage on Seinfeld. Arrogant WWE kingpin Vince McMahon came out looking like the biggest ass of all-time which was good to see. NBC and McMahon lost a combined $35 million and the league never made it to season #2. The “opening scramble” was a concept that seemingly came from recess at a local grade school and it allowed Hassan Shamsid-Deen to live in infamy as he separated his shoulder on the very first scramble. The quality of play was dreadful as were the broadcasts. The XFL did give us the idiotic idea of fake names on jerseys and none was better than Rod Smart who became He Hate Me. What a travesty.
7. Heinz Ez-Squirt Ketchup Not sure who was clamoring for purple or green ketchup, but it wasn’t me or anyone else breathing. Doesn’t this look appetizing? Even Prince wouldn’t eat this purple rain. Pink, orange, teal and blue were later added because teal ketchup on a burger looks delicious as anyone knows. In an act of serious denial Heinz actually had this crappy product available from 2000-05. Yummy!
8. Spermies Do I need to really say much here? Calling a candy Spermies is awful enough, but calling it “the candy you love to swallow” is just a tad much isn’t it?
9. McPizza Well, this was a McFlop for sure, but from around 1991-2000 McPizza was available in the US and Canada in select markets. It was briefly a traditional pizza pie you would wait for and be served and then quickly changed to a pan pizza. There was also the PizzaMcPuff which looks like an even cheaper-ass Hot Pocket. I actually had McPizza as a pan pizza at a Blue Jays game when I was in Toronto and it wasn’t bad at all. It was similar to Pizza Hut. But I wasn’t exactly thinking of ditching any local pizzerias for it either. McDonald’s is not who anyone thinks of for pizza and thus McPizza hit the McShitter (as did I after eating it may I add).
10. Hippy Sippy Candy Yep-you too can teach your kids through the magic of candy how to become a heroin junkie! Is it any surprise this came out in the late 60’s? The best part was the button this candy-in-a-syringe offered for free saying, “Hippy Sippy says I’ll try anything!”. This candy was pulled from the market immediately and even Keith Richards was offended.
11. Bic Underwear While I can’t complain about the above buttocks, I can shake my head at why a pen manufacturer thought branching out into disposable (!) underwear was a stroke of genius. Somebody wanted to get fired.
12. DIVX (Digital Video Express) DIVX=FAIL. This idiotic blunder cost Circuit City $377 million in losses (and where are they now? Oh yeah-dead as a doornail!) and was possibly one of the worst ideas in the history of the entertainment industry lasting from 1998-99. The brilliant idea was that you would buy a player and also buy each movie for $4. You could then watch the movie for 48 hours after which you had to pay more fees. Each disc had a special barcode that the player would read and the status of the discs was monitored through a phone line and you would then be charged accordingly. All DIVX owners had to set up this Big Brother-type account. A scrambling system prevented the discs from being viewed on DVD players. After viewing the disc you simply threw it out which had environmentalists up in arms about the waste. The DIVX players were twice as much money as DVD players and had very limited amounts of titles because most studios knew better. The idea was to eliminate video stores, but DIVX only eliminated itself within a year. I’m sure there’s at least 5 people out there now currently enjoying staring at their DIVX discs of such genius as Jane Austin’s Mafia!, Holy Man, Air Bud: Golden Receiver and Speed 2 and punching themselves in the nether-regions.
13. Yugo For some bizarre reason, in 1986 the much-ridiculed Yugo became a car that some Americans thought they had to have. For less than $4,000 you got what you paid for. This car was such a piece of shit, there were reports of the cars falling apart and breaking down almost immediately. The Yugo has been referred to as the worst car in history. I have a feeling The Simpsons were thinking of the Yugo when Homer buys a car from Crazy Vaclav who claims the car will get him 300 hectares on a single tank of kerosene. When Homer asks what country the car is from Vaclav tells him the country “no longer exists”! Also, Homer is told to drive in the gear of “H”. Among the things the Yugo had going wrong were such minor details as premature engine failure, an unreliable gear box, and doors coming loose. (Doors coming loose? Ah-I’ll take two please!). I dunno-to me Yugoslavia is just not where I want my new car to come from, but maybe that’s just me.
14. Shop Rite Pilsner Beer Yep-this is Shop Rite beer baby! I actually have a can of this unopened at home (don’t think I’ll drink it since it’s from the late 70’s or so). Don’t know if Path Mark, A&P or Piggly Wiggly have their own brews but the tin cans look like shit so who would have even bought this over a real beer? Getting drunk on this stuff would be a very rough task, but I do have that can of nearly 40 year vintage-anyone interested?
15. Cream Colon Snacks I think I’ll pass on this Japanese snack food but I assume their creampies are just as fun.
16. Harley-Davidson Perfume Don’t know if you came out smelling like oil, leather and gasoline but Harley-Davidson fared miserably with this disaster in the 90’s. It gives “Eau De Toilette” a new and unfortunate meaning. Ah, the sweet smell of failure.
17. Lay’s WOW! Potato Chips Not too many people knew what the hell an ingredient called Olestra was in 1998, but they sure became aware of it after eating some of these bad boys. When your consumers are complaining of anal leakage, it’s best to rethink things. Once the FDA slapped the notice “These chips contain olestra, which may cause loose stools” on the bags o’ chips the average consumer said, “Hmmmm…anal leakage? Doesn’t sound so good”. WOW indeed.
18. Sony Betamax Hey, we owned a Betamax machine! When Sony introduced the Betamax in 1975 it was cool as shit. The problem was the tapes could only hold an hour at first. Eventually this problem was fixed, but not in any way that could compete with VHS which JVC rolled out in 1976. Right from the start VHS tapes could hold two hours for a VCR machine. By 1977 when JVC partnered with RCA, the tapes could now hold 4 hours (and eventually 6 hours in shitty EP mode). Betamax machines were also ugly and awkward and were more expensive than VHS, so fairly quickly the videos wars were getting more lopsided. By 1980, VHS took up 70% of the home video market in North America. By 1984, a total of 40 companies utilized VCRs to a meager 12 for Betamax. Sony surrendered in 1988 and began making VHS machines as well. A crucial mistake for Betamax was not releasing porn for many years-dick move, man (ha-ha!). We bought ours around 1981 and stuck with it until about 1984. Ironically, Beta was better quality but that didn’t matter much.
19. Apple Bandai Pippin Remember this system, gamers? No? Can’t blame ya. Apple and Bandai combined forces to fail at an epic level with this pathetic system which existed from 1995-96. Only about 100,000 were made and only 42,000 sold (to who exactly I’d like to know). According to Wikipedia: The goal of the Bandai Pippin was to create an inexpensive computer aimed mostly at playing CD-based multimedia titles, especially games, but also functioning as a network computer. It featured a 4x-speed CD-ROM drive and a video output that could connect to a standard television display. People didn’t know if it was a game console, a computer or a Ben Vereen tribute. Plus, at $600 a pop nobody gave a shit.
20. CitiKitty Automatic Toilet Flusher I love cats. We own cats. Our cats take dumps. Lots of them. In a litter box. Not in our toilet. Is changing the litter box fun? No. Do I enjoy lugging out a sack of crap like Santa Claus to the curb each week for the trashmen? Not as much as you’d think. All that being said, the CitiKitty Automatic Toilet Flusher is an insult to cats and humans everywhere. You can have the (dis)pleasure of watching a sample of the genius at work on the product’s website or You Tube. While I’m sure there are some disturbed people who want to watch videos of cats crapping in toilets I hope that number is few. There’s better ways to waste $200 folks. 21. Pepsi Kona Does this even sound like a good idea? It wasn’t and it was vile. Pepsi Kona was only released in the Philadelphia area and that’s where I live. The business I co-owned had beverages so we gave it a shot and sold maybe 4 or 5 cans of this shit. The rest I smashed in the parking lot one night. The taste was a lovely combination of feet, week-old coffee and aardvark shavings. FAIL.
22. Radiant Farms Canned Unicorn Meat “Magic In Every Bite!”. Yeah, this is real so tell your little girls it’s a nutritious lunch and it’s got unicorn meat, so they ARE real! 23. Reebok-Incubus Women’s Running Shoe In the late 90’s the fucking idiots at Reebok were so excited about their new women’s running shoe that they named it the Incubus. Pretty cool name guys. Except…an incubus is a demon who rapes women in their sleep! Nice market research assholes. Not surprisingly, the idea was, ahem shelved and only got as far as the boxes and tags.
24. Purina Pussi Cat Food Pussy as good as it looks? I’m sold. Oh, those crazy Swedish what will they say next?
25. Edet Krapp Toilet Paper Once again those Swedes are at it. Sure, it’s their language and there it sounds normal, but I’m laughing anyway because I would indeed trust a toilet paper named Krapp. I just would.
26. Mini-Dickmann’s Now it’s time to make fun of the Germans! At least each race’s mini-dickmann is represented. This is a product no man should be seen buying and certainly not eating-let alone a creepy father and son! (Does the Dad have cream on his nose? Wait-don’t answer that). 27. Golden Gaytime Ice Cream In Australia this apparently makes a whole lot of sense. It can be tough to have a gaytime on your own, but does it have to be “golden” too?
28. Captain Tolley’s Creeping Crack Cure Capt. Tolley is a dirty old man of the sea as his Creeping Crack Cure proves. And I sure as shit don’t want him penetrating my hairline cracks.
29. Adidas Shackles Shoes Nah, that’s not offensive at all. Can’t picture a game of 1 on 1 between Spike Lee and the Rev. Jesse Jackson in these fly, and very dope sneakers. How the hell could Adidas think this wouldn’t go over well???
30. Life Savers Soda The idea is horrid. This just looks like something that would rot your teeth out in seconds. Not much of a shocker here-this was a failure of epic proportions.
31. Walker’s Cajun Squirrel Chips
I suppose Bumblebee Guts and Pickled Platypus are on the way. This flavor stirred up some talk for sure, but I will pass because I like squirrels and it’s my personal protest. Also, it just sounds nasty.
32. Pee Cola I don’t necessarily want my soda from Ghana to begin with but I really don’t want it to be named after pee. I bet it’s got a salty kick though!
33. Shitto Hotly Spiced Pepper Sauce At least they’re giving you some foreshadowing as to the end result of eating a can of pepper sauce named Shitto.
34. Grace Cock Flavored Soup Mix I could see a night of some Shitto pepper sauce and a side of Cock Flavored Soup Mix. It just sounds right. How it feels is another thing entirely.
35. 666 Cold Preparation Satan wants you well my children, but it will cost you your soul. Hah-hah-hah-hah-ha!
36. Albino Cola This drink is fully endorsed by Edgar Winter.
37. Pork Joy Leather Gloves What’s especially disturbing here is the quote that “Pork Joy sure will be your hands’ good partners”. In any language that translates to a good time for anyone!
38. Carnivore Liquid Protein
Judging by the freak pictured on the box, I’d say this product can be judged by its’ cover. Beef protein shots? This is basically shots of puke, because one must hydrolyze the beef to chop it up and get it small enough to fit. This is truly putrid.
39. Gama Cemen Dip Cemen Dip is delicious all over the world-and that creates harmony (and perhaps a few jail sentences too). At least we know it’s fresh-the label says so.
40. Rejuvenique Electric Facial Mask Wearing a serial killer mask 15 minutes a day probably won’t help your relations with your neighbors or children, but boy will you feel rejuvenated after a mass killing!
41. The Tiddy Bear But of course! A cheap-ass Beanie Babie that goes between a woman’s “tiddies” to prevent chafing while she drives. I wish to hell I was making this up, but I am not that clever. At least the bear has a massive boner. The below picture is fake but it’s pretty damn funny, so consider it a bonus for reading this far!
42. Comfort Wipe For those who just don’t enjoy wiping their own ass, here’s an alternative: and with a full 18″ reach (that’s what she said)! I love how the selling point is that you obviously have dirty toilet tissue and are a scumbag.
43. Privacy Scarf I think the privacy is assured seeing as you look like a terrorist plotting evil. Oh yeah-you also look like a total fucking asshole. Same thing, really.
44. Vegetable Flavored Jell-O And why would this fail? Vegetable Jell-O just screams “why would you consider eating me?”. Flavors to run the hell away from included Celery, Mixed Vegetable and the ever unpopular Seasoned Tomato. Yikes.
45. Keytar See this douche? He actually looks good for someone with a Keytar which was supposed to make keyboard players look cool as hell like the guitar player. Two problems: 1. It’s the exact opposite of cool by a large margin. 2. The keyboardist will never be as cool as the guitar player.
46. Ghettopoly What a shock this was deemed offensive! This is a quote from MSN.com: “Replace the railroads with liquor stores, and populate the board with other off-color properties like a peep show, a pawnshop and a massage parlor. For good measure, lace the game with racially charged references to pimps, crack houses, carjackings and 40-ounce bottles of malt liquor”. Urban Outfitters pulled the game after loads of complaints but for God’s sake, they didn’t realize that before they stocked this piece of shit???
47. Pooper Scooper Barbie This was a shitty idea. Doll cannot actually create feces by the way.
48. Stretch Monster I had this toy as a kid. It was a spinoff of Stretch Armstrong and the idea was you had an action figure that a kid could acually stretch like rubber. Problem was the figures usually burst open and a jelly like substance was all over the house. I remember going to department stores like Clover, Korvette’s and Jefferson Ward and seeing a dead Stretch Monster on the floor and jelly everywhere. Quite horrifying really to a 6 year-old kid. But what the hell is up with this box? You have a deranged boy with a bad case of 70’s helmet hair and some seriously agressive Stretch Monster-Stretch Armstrong rough sex going on. I can only imagine the amount of jelly this led to. Did a disgruntled worker put that picture on the box? Enjoy the creepy 70’s commercial below and the strange synthesizer farts that pass as music.
49. Phone Fingers For that certain person that really feels the need to tell the world, “I am an enormous asshole”.
50. Hawaii Hula Chair This picture is sad, but it does not do justice to this moronic invention, so please watch the video clip below. I swear the first chick using the chair that says, “Oh my gosh, this is amazing” looks like she’s having her first (and last) orgasm. The creepy old dude who is next up really sounds like he’s saying, “This feels great on my ass!”. It looks like spinning around in a chair that causes convulsions and excessive vomiting is the main selling point here. Oh-and being a complete tool. If Hawaii had anything to do with this, they should not be part of the Union anymore and become a leper colony.
51. Pootrap I add the Pootrap as a bonus because attaching a ziploc bag to my dog’s anus does sound fun like the infomercial says! It also claims it’s “easy to install on your dog” making it sound like rectal surgery and that it “makes walking fun”. Sure thing-the joy from peeling off a bag of shit from my dog’s asshole right next to his nutsack is not your typical walk! 8 sizes and 3 colors too-I’d pick brown. Or maybe plaid. Anyone who called 1-800-Poo-Trap and ordered this to torture their pet should have the bag attached to their head. Damn, humanity is awful.
52. New Coke And we conclude with possibly the most infamous product flop in history-New Coke. In April 1985 Coca-Cola thought it would be a grand idea to stop giving the public what it has enjoyed for years and went with a new formula and confusing advertising. Coke had been slipping in sales due to Pepsi being on the rise so it was panic time and a cola war began. The change was reacted to with negativity and many of the harsh words came from lunatics with no life. It was so bad that Coke hired a psychiatrist to listen to the phone calls coming in (as many as 1,500 a day) and some idiots were acting as though a family member had died.
And when Fidel Castro chimes in on how bad an idea it was you’ve reached new levels of hatred. The infidels! Sales were actually fairly good but the backlash grew to insane levels. Bottlers filed law suits against Coca-Cola and Pepsi-Cola continued to slam Coca-Cola in their ads. By June, Coca-Cola caved in. The stupidest thing in all of this was Coca-Cola discontinuing Coke and only making New Coke available which pissed everyone off.
Most people didn’t switch to drinking Pepsi, they just stopped drinking cola altogether (I hope they didn’t get desparete enough to drink RC) so Coca-Cola still had a shot. In July, Coca-Cola announced the return to the old formula. According to Wikipedia a US Senator named David Pryor called the day “a meaningful day in U.S. history” on the floor of the Senate. I can only hope this jackass had New Coke poured all over his genitals.
New Coke remained as Coca-Cola and te old product was named Coke Classic. By year’s end Coke Classic was destroying Pepsi and New Coke and within the first 6 months, Coke Classic was outselling Pepsi by double the rate. So, was this an elaborate scheme by Coca-Cola to boost sales of what already existed? Nah-they aren’t that smart. Just fucking lucky.