A picture is worth a thousand words. A horrible picture on a book must be worth a million words then. So, it is my duty to bring you some of the most abominable book covers to ever adorn the word of the pen.
Of course, this has been done before by others and more than I thought when I came up with the idea, but lack of originality aside-I will be mocking these hideous covers as I should in my own words for your pleasure and a few laughs. As always your comments are for the most part welcome. So, let the crapfest begin…
1. The Rifleman (issue #10)
Looks like our “rifleman” is sportin’ some mighty disturbing wood. Jesus, how I wish this was photoshopped. It wasn’t.
2. Invisible Dick by Frank Topham
We can only hope the title speaks the truth.
3. Queer Doings At Quantham by Wilfrid Robertson
Judging by that pole the guy is staring at, I’d say this book is truth in advertising.
4. The Long Journey Of Mister Poop by Angele Delaunois and Marie Lafrance
I’m frightened two people needed to collaborate on this book. That also looks like a calzone, although I’ve had my share of those travel through me.
5. Microwave Cooking For One by Marie T. Smith
Chapter 1: Turn on microwave. Chapter 2: Eat food. Sorry Marie T. Smith you huckster-you’re just the devil’s pawn leading us into buying your book.
6. Old Tractors And The Men Who Love Them by Roger Welsch
Methinks this guy has probably violated his tractor in a variety of creepy ways and the overalls sure don’t help.
7. Bobby Blanchard, Lesbian Gym Teacher by Monica Nolan
We definitely had lesbian gym teachers at my school and they didn’t look like that. I love the tagline: “She schooled them in field hockey…and desire”. I think I’m ordering several copies right now.
8. Anybody Can Be Cool…But Awesome Takes Practice by Lorraine Peterson
Keep trying ass-clowns-no amount of practice will see you reach awesome. Those sweaters-now that’s awesome!
9. Drummer Dick’s Discharge by Beatrix M De Burgh
Let’s hope it was a dishonorable discharge.
10. How To Avoid Huge Ships by Captain John W. Trimmer
Page One: get out of the way. End of book.
11. The Prince Of Galerir by Anna Lee
They were tormented by their love for each other, for country, for “swords” and Photoshop. And a crappy looking baby dragon.
12. Reach For The Moon by Tuan Ho
My God, reach for another $2 and do something about that cover Mr. Ho! While I do appreciate you letting your cat design your book, he’s just not very good.
13. Quilt In A Day Still Stripping After 25 Years by Eleanor Burns
I’m not going to be the first to tell ya this Eleanor, but the stripping should’ve stopped LONG ago my friend. Oh yeah, Billie Jean King called-she wants her glasses back.
14. Blazing Embers by Angela Ashley
This is so ghastly in so many ways it’s beyond upsetting. But the hairy guy ready to pounce on the naked woman looks like Larry David juggling two nuts.
15. Mr. Hyde’s Assets by Sheridan Smythe
It’s not his assets I’m “hydeing” from. And if Sheridon Smythe is the author’s real name add another 100 ounces of shame.
16. Moment Of Truth by Maggie Price
Let’s hope his moment is the truth she’s looking for-yowsa!
17. Scouts In Bondage by Geoffrey Prout
The year was 1930. The merit badge was especially tough to achieve that summer. The scout master was stern and the discipline was as slick as the body oil.
18. Elmo Experiments
I really don’t want to know the “experiment” baby Grover is going to do here, but it looks like Tickle Me Enema is the name of the game.
19. Computer Sex Input by Deena Cross
Deena Cross would love to have your Vic Commodore 64 between her Asteroids guys. For only $5.95 you can learn to have your way with her bits and bytes as you Pong your way through that sexy white dress! And learn Cobalt at the same time!
20. Chain Of Kisses by Angela Knight
Sad to think they had a chance NOT to use this cover.
21. Satan Burger by Carlton Mellick III
Well, at least we know this burger has buns with it.
22. Hip Hop for Dogs by Janet Penn
Without reading this, I can safely state that this is the worst book ever on the subject of Hip Hop for Dogs. The fact that it’s the ONLY book on that important subject is irrelevant.
23. His Pregnant Mistress by Carol Marinelli
Dude-she’s preggers! Have you no shame?
24. Spending Christmas With A Yeti by Max W. Miller
With a title like this, there’s nowhere to go but down. Still, this book cover is so laughably bad it defines awesome and awful all at once.
25. Make Friends With Your Fruit Trees by Jerry Baker
There’s just something so damn creepy about Jerry’s head on top of those apples isn’t there? A rotten apple indeed.
26. Palm Trees In The Pyrenees by Elly Grant
Help me! I’m falling onto this shitty book cover! NOOOOOOOOO!
27. Impact For Murder by Cherri Galbiati
The dog did it! (I mean the cover, not the murder).
28. Alien Embrace by Tracy St. John
She agreed to one anal probe, but three was a bit much.
29. Jizzle by John Wyndham
The title is unfortunate enough, but I don’t want to see these two things jizzle on one another ever.
30. Mother Load by KG McGregor
I think it was the motherload that got her in all that trouble to start with.
31. Voluspa A Magical World by Sam D. & Ray East
The damsel let her tattered hair blow in the wind as the poorly drawn man with vampire hair, inflatable boobs and shoes from K-Mart drew her near. She wanted to loosen his sexy blue pants but the shitty looking gargoyle said “we must leave Voluspa now, for there is too much temptation here”.
32. Lumberjack In Love by Penny Watson
“Just chop off my clothes you beast”, she said. “No. I shan’t”, he proclaimed in sadness. “You must leave. My true love is the forest, the trees and the guy on the Brauny paper towels label. I am but a crappily drawn lumberjack, and I will take matters into my own hands-now leave me wench!”.
33. Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi
It looks like the kid here is having massive constipation issues and then we get to look at a horse’s ass, a duck and…an apple? Do apples poop? I would hope it is not implied that pooping a whole apple is recommended for any child. I miss the good ‘ol days of book burnings.
34. A Tale of the South by Adina Alexander
Hmmmm…Abe Lincoln, a woman from the 1700’s, a naked model in chains and a bunny in a dress that looks like it’s from Gone With The Wind. Makes sense. This HAS to be genius!
35. Stress Relief by B.A. Tortuga
Yikes-this would CAUSE stress and offer no relief. And why is this sad, shirtless Marky Mark wannabe relaxing half his body in a river? This cover is outlandishly pathetic.
36. Summer Secrets by JT Harding
Actually, there’s not a damn thing wrong with this cover. This is my reward to myself for getting this far with this torturefest. I’ll bet that summer camp changed them forever!
37. Superman Action Comics
Son, it’s time I show you what Kryptonite really feels like. Don’t cry-take this like a man!
38. Humper County Vampires by TC Allen
Yes-vampires can be inbred too. I can’t imagine seeing too many people reading this one on the beach this summer. But let’s hope it’s a Humper County Vampire summer anyway bitches-yee hah!
39. Unanswered Prayers by Penny Richards
My prayer would make this book go away. Ghastly, just ghastly.
40. Who Cares About Elderly People? Illustrated by Pam Adams
Nobody! The elderly are old and smelly. Any kid knows that. Next please…
41. The Hungry Ones by Craig Douglas
There aren’t enough words to describe this one, although I think my skin actually crawled out the door as I found this nightmare. Remember, a fear of clowns is Coulrophobia. Looks like this chick will be seeing a pitched circus tent tonight!
42. Poor People’s Medicine by Jonathan Engel
“OK, little girl, you seem to have emphysema, but seeing as you’re poor, I can only prescribe you a used ham. Now get out of my office and don’t call me in the morning”.
43. Cold As Ice by Cassandra Carr
The photoshopping is so beyond awful, the hardened male nipples aren’t even funny enough. I assume she’s a little chilly naked on the ice. Their zambonis will be coating her with some new ice alright!
44. Dead To The World by JN Williamson
He ran 666 miles to kill you in his new jogging suit…he’s Dead To The World! Aggghhh! Gotta say-that skeleton will lose the weight if he keeps it up!
45. Matador Of Shame by John Dexter
46. Mars Needs Milfs by Jenna Powers
Looks like E.T. boned home!
47. The Clan Of The Mancats Book 1 by Tez
Not that there’s anything wrong with that…actually, EVERYTHING is wrong with this-yikes!
48. Identifying Wood by R. Bruce Hoadley
Hmmm…yep, it’s still as I thought-I have identified my wood as painfully small. Damn.
49. Spawn by Shaun Hutson
“I am spawn of Satan. I am a very bald, angry, cheap-ass looking baby and I only eat Gerber’s deviled ham flavored food. You have failed to meet my demands father, so in the jar with you. All hail Beelzebub and Teletubbies. Ha ha ha ha ha!”.
50. Behind The Bell by Dustin Diamond
Screech spills the beans on Saved By The Bell and still nobody cared. His revelations of crazed sex with Mr. Belding in the office weren’t much of a surprise either.