This won’t be as fun as the previous blog, but we can still laugh at some truly abysmal choices some seriously major artists have gone with for cover art.
I mean, these people surround themselves with employees who are supposed to tell them, “No, that’s a horrid idea-don’t use that as your album cover” and yet they go ahead and do it anyway! Some acts I love are here like Chicago, Cheap Trick, April Wine, ELP, Yes, etc so I take no prisoners. I threw in a few obscure acts because they deserve to be humiliated further.
1. Yeah Yeah Yeahs-Mosquito (2013)
This inspires a thousand hates. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs (whom I do like) have made me scream No No No. This atrocity looks like it was inspired by (and designed by) a Cabbage Patch Doll on smack. Pitiful! One good thing-this does get a release on vinyl and albums are a lot more fun to smash than CDs.
2. The Playmates-At Play With The Playmates (1958)
I told them group anal sex on a moped is uncomfortable-especially for the driver.
3. The Cranberries-Bury The Hatchet (1999)
Ah, a giant eye approaching naked idiot in desert. Not too pretentious, guys! Bury Your Career is what happened with this album.
4. Eric Carmen-You’re Mine Tonight (1980)
The album’s full title was really You’re Mine Tonight (And Then I Will Drug You, Choke You and Have My Way With Your Lifeless Body). This is one of those “what were they thinking” moments but at least the album bombed.
5. April Wine-April Wine (1972)
Two ass-ugly male feet and you think that’s gonna make someone proudly display this piece of shit in their home? A night of too many bong hits led to this decision.
6. Hall & Oates-Daryl Hall & John Oates (1975)
Hall meet Oates. Oates meet Hall. I think you two will hit it off just fine and if not, the sex should be great.
7. Cannonball Adderley-Wow! (1964)
I heard ya, so stop yellin’ in ma ear ya dumb white bitch!
8. John Cougar-The Kid Inside (1977 recordings-released 1983)
Channeling his inner-Tony Danza, Cougar’s shame spiral was quite large.
9. Atilla-Atilla (1970)
Good lord! Is it any wonder Billy Joel tried to off himself not too long after this ill-conceived failure? A Heavy Metal duo of organ and drums dressed like cavemen surrounded by meat? Sounds like Gold to me!
10. David Hasselhoff-Night Rocker (1985)
It’s too easy.
11. Little David Wilkins-King Of All The Taverns (1976)
This album is also alternately known as King Of All Roast Beefs.
12. Brooke Hogan-The Redemption (2009)
You know the dirtbags who walk around the boardwalk with spray painted pictures of their kids on t-shirts that fall apart after one washing? THEY wouldn’t even wear this.
13. Steve Miller Band-Let Your Hair Down (2011)
You have to be fucking kidding me. Punch me in the junk and tell me this isn’t real.
14. Vera Lee-83 And Still Playing With The Boys (2005)
The love juices and Ben Gay were flowing that day but alas, Ms. Lee couldn’t handle it and collapsed in a heap. “The Boys” left her tattered body by the side of the road. She would never see 84.
15. Menudo-Reaching Out (1984)
I’m sure their manager was reaching out to them for a shower after each show. Ole!
16. Crosby, Stills & Nash-Live It Up (1990)
Hot dogs on sticks in outer space? Quite appropriate that the album blows as it hit the budget racks quicker than David Crosby hitting a crack pipe in his heyday.
17. Joan Armatrading-Track Record (1983)
And she’s off!
18. Dr. Hook-Sloppy Seconds (1972)
The “sloppy seconds” these a-holes got were clearly from each other.
19. Kevin Rowland-My Beauty (1999)
Former Dexy’s Midnight Runners leader Kevin Rowland must’ve confused “Come On Eileen” with “Becomin’ Eileen”. Absolutely fucking horrific. Not only was this cover tunes album a colossal flop but Rowland will forever terrify every living, breathing human being alive…including himself for as long as man exists.
20. Valerie Simpson-Valerie Simpson (1972)
21. Leo Sayer-Endless Flight (1976)
Richard Simmons’ inspiration for nauseating millions worldwide.
22. Fleetwood Mac-Mr. Wonderful (1968)
Mr. Wonderful would soon meet Mr. Judge for sentencing.
23. Village People-Renaissance (1981)
Disco was dead and the New European acts were huge in 1981. The Village People were not quite the next Duran Duran and as a result this album sold fewer copies than a Bea Arthur sex tape. Classic songs like “Big Mac”, “Fireman” and “Food Fight” had lyrics Bob Dylan only wishes he’d written.
24. Red Foxx-You Gotta Wash Your Ass (1975)
25. Yes-Yes (1969)
26. Nantucket-Nantucket (1978)
Quite the mascot guys-a lobster in jeans with some righteous 70’s boots and red socks! While it’s admirable the lobster is creeping up on a nude sunbather, this is laughably bad. Throw this album back to sea.
27. REO Speedwagon-You Can Tune A Piano, But You Can’t Tuna Fish (1978)
Keeping with our sea creature theme…a clever play on words! Or, just a dumb-ass album cover that people were supposed to think was funny. It wasn’t.
28. Emerson, Lake & Palmer-Love Beach (1978)
Emerson, Lake & Palmer or Barry, Robin & Maurice Gibb? Tragic.
29. Herb Alpert-Blow Your Horn (1983)
Never has a phrase sounded so unappealing.
30. Three Dog Night-Hard Labor (1974)
While I feel listening to a Three Dog Night album is hard labor, I can’t imagine what this poor half-lizard/half-freak went through birthing this dreadful record. I’d say, “what the fuck were they thinking?”, but I’m sure you’ve said it yourselves already.
31. Neil Diamond-Hot August Night (1972)
The 10 minute skin flute solo was awesome.
32. Blue Oyster Cult-Heaven Forbid (1998)
Heaven forbid BOC actually approved this disgrace.
33. Leif Garrett-Leif Garrett (1977)
He’s a pocket ball wizard, there has to be a twist…
34. Billy Cobham-George Duke Band-Live In Europe (1976)
As creepy as fuck. Who’s bad acid trip was this? Billy Cobham is one of the greatest drummers ever, but the word “no” really needed to be said here. I actually have chills now.
35. Rick James-Throwin’ Down (1982)
I’m Rick James, bitch!
36. Elton John-Caribou (1974)
In 1974, Elton was dealing with a terrible affliction-the inability to have mirrors around to tell him he looked like this.
37. Davy Graham-Hat (1969)
Follow-up album Pants just didn’t have the same magic.
38. The Glitter Band-Hey!
39. Brothers Johnson-Light Up The Night (1980)
Oh yeah, this brother’s johnson is gonna be lightin’ up the night real fine.
40. Beady Eye-Different Gear, Still Speeding (2011)
I love Oasis and I’m sure Liam Gallagher would kick my ass for mocking this cover. I’m doing it anyway because this is pure shite as Liam would say.
41. Eddie Murphy-Love’s Alright (1993)
Geez-from genius like “Party All The Time” to this. At least this has the classic “Whatzupwitu”. Yes, I’m kidding.
42. Fotomaker-Vis A Vis (1981)
The old jester has soiled himself again and he’s unhappy. Who in God’s name thought this would be a good cover?
43. Michael Jackson-Michael (2010)
Yep-MJ is even creepier dead. Bubbles did a great job with the cover art.
44. Jamie Redfern-Sitting On Top Of The World (1972)
Ironically, this cover was also used as police evidence the following week.
45. Santana-Guitar Heaven: The Greatest Guitar Classics Of All Time (2010)
Sad. Brought to you by the fine people at K-Tel. Man, was Carlos’s divorce so expensive that he had to create shit like this to pay the bills? Collaborating with Nas on AC/DC’s “Back In Black” seemed like a grand idea to who, exactly?
46. George Thorogood & Destroyers-Haircut (1993)
I love Lonesome George, I really do, but this looks like a Wacky Package gone terribly wrong. It’s funny, but in a sad, suicidal clown kind of way.
47. Jay Ferguson-Thunder Island (1978)
Jay, what’s with those frickin’ mandals dude? Can’t forgive him, BUT…he was in psychedelic rockers Spirit and did the theme for TV’s The Office, so hopefully the stache is gone and the mandals are burned.
48. Garth Brooks-…in the life of Chris Gaines (1999)
Garth decided an alter-ego making sophomoric Pop treacle was a stellar idea. So was that soulpatch and sporty hairdo. Ben Stiller had to have used this musical molestation as inspiration for Zoolander.
49. Lady Gaga-Artpop (2013)
Artflop is more like it. Indeed, Ms. Gaga is giving birth to a failed album with more pretentious cover art than before and that’s saying something. While she’s one step away from co-headlining with Vanilla Ice, did she also have to taint the Muppets too?
50. Cat Stevens-Mona Bone Jakon (1970)
A crying trash can? Or is it sweating? You know what’s worse than the cover? Mona Bone Jakon is the name Cat Stevens gave to his penis. The information I provide is gold, isn’t it?
51. Jennifer Hudson-I Remember Me (2011)
Must feed on flesh. And photoshop.
52. Chicago-Hot Streets (1978)
The streets were hot and so was the sex! Sad thing is I love this album and band, but this is excruciating to view.
53. Alice Cooper-Raise Your Fist And Yell (1987)
54. Laurie Anderson-Homeland (2010)
I really, really want to punch her. Is that so wrong?
55. Pantera-Metal Magic (1983)
Pantera would go on to be one of the heaviest Metal bands ever. Let’s just say it didn’t start off that way when they were making Hair Metal. This cover was designed by a blind gerbil.
56. Donny Osmond-Disco Train (1976)
All aboard the Disco Train! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! And why is he wearing his grandmother’s quilt?
57. Human Sexual Response-Fig. 14 (1980)
This makes so much sense…to a pretentious asshole.
58. Yanni-In My Time (1993)
Really, I could’ve gone with the entire catalogue, but the hair and New Age moustache here were a personal favorite. This man is a musical menace.
59. Nelson-Because They Can (1995)
And just because Nelson could didn’t mean they should. This is a thousand horrors all rolled into one. And that’s not even the music.
60. Franke And The Knockouts-Franke And The Knockouts (1981)
These clowns were KO’d in the 1st round.
61. Quiet Riot-Guilty Pleasures (2001)
Not that many bought this in 2001, but one would have to think those who did are in denial.
62. Rob & Fab-Rob & Fab (1992)
The boobs from Milli Vanilli were out to prove that they were for real. It’s true-they definitely proved they could make a wretched album nobody in their right mind would buy. Wisely timed with the height of Grunge, this debacle sold less than 2,000 copies and Rob ended his life. Fab should have too. And the 2,000 who bought it aren’t far behind.
63. Steven Seagal-Songs From The Crystal Cave (2005)
Yeah, you can judge a book by its cover sometimes.
64. Allman and Woman-Two The Hard Way (1977)
This cover would be enough to scare any junkie straight. Or any straight person into the depths of hell itself.
65. NOFX-Heavy Petting Zoo (1996)
This photo shoot was just after Sean Penn and Madonna divorced and he found his true love. I think this is safer than entering Madonna anyway.
66. Weezer-Hurley (2010)
Yep-this is the worst album cover in the history of the universe. Go to hell Weezer-I once cared about you.
67. Bilal-Robots Remixes (2011)
Ha ha ha-dickhead.
68. Candyman-Ain’t No Shame In My Game (1990)
Looking like Sinbad in clown pajamas? Candyman my dear fool, there is ONLY shame in your game.
69. Blackfoot-Vertical Smiles (1984)
This is triumphantly awful! Tasteless? Absolutely. But, did it also have to be so cheap looking? Polaroids of women’s “vertical smiles”? This is truly one of the worst album covers in history and sadly, it’s from a great band who decided to be less than great here.
70. Todd Rundgren-Liars (2004)
What a black Easter this was. I would never allow my children anywhere near this cover.
71. Steve Hogarth-Ice Cream Genius (1997)
Marillion frontman Steve Hogarth melted tens of hearts with this failure. I’m sorry, but with a title like Ice Cream Genius you’ve failed before you even started.
72. Joss Stone-Colour Me Free! (2009)
Colour me nauseated by her music and album covers. Jesus, this is fucking pathetic.
73. Dean Martin-Happiness is Dean Martin (1962)
What the baby is really saying is “Happiness Is The Sweet Release of Death”.
74. Ringo Starr-Ringo The 4th (1977)
More like Ringo The 162nd which is where this flop charted at. Tragic.
75. Edgar Winter Group-They Only Come Out At Night (1972)
This is a classic album and had two smash hits in “Frankenstein” and “Free Ride”, but damn if this didn’t give me the heebie-jeebies as a kid (still does actually). The evil albino in the film Foul Play confirmed that all albinos are out to get me.
76. Loudon Wainwright III-T-Shirt (1976)
His follow-up album Pants was much better.
77. Juice Newton-Quiet Lies (1982)
Just how much juice did she drink? Yeesh!
78. Perry Farrell-Song Yet To Be Sung (2001)
Also known as Album Yet To Be Bought.
79. Kate Bush-Kate Bush EP (1983)
And Cher has been dethroned.
80. Taco-After Eight (1983)
After Nine, Taco will be playing his second set at KFC in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
81. Culture Club-Waking Up With The House On Fire (1984)
Yeah, I’d go back to sleep and let the damn thing burn down.
82. Top Dog-Slam Dunk’n Hoes (2007)
He shoots, he scores!
83. Black Sabbath-Sabotage (1975)
Always pains me to some of my all-time favorite artists in here, but the sight of Bill Ward in his wife’s red tights haunts me to this day. Ozzy, Tony and Geezer aren’t exactly crushing it fashion-wise, but Bill comes in dead last here. Gruesome, man.
84. Bob Dylan-Saved (1980)
No messiah could save us from this musical abomination. And, man is that cover ridiculously heinous or what? I “saved” myself from not hearing this.
85. Johnny Guitar Watson-A Real Mother For Ya (1977)
Damn, Johnny where’d ya get those wheels? Toys R Us? Bitchin’ ride, yo!
86. Lords Of Acid-Pussy (1998)
Adobe Photoshop goes kitty crazy. This is embarrassing.
87. Bruce Willis-Return Of Bruno (1987)
Did anyone ask him to return? Smashing this album would only acknowledge its existence.
88. MC Hammer-Look, Look, Look (2006)
Away, Away, Away!
89. Mick Jagger-Primitive Cool (1987)
Primitive Fool is more like it. I believe this was drawn by Sir Mick’s dog. The album blows and if anyone has seen the video for “Let’s Work” from this album they’d know it only gets worse. At least Keith had a good laugh as he snorted his Dad.
90. Prince-Dirty Mind (1980)
Warning: late nights with Eddie Murphy can lead to this.
91. Neil Young & Crazy Horse-Zuma (1975)
Designed by Neil after drinking too many Zimas. Dreadful.
92. Eric Clapton-Old Sock (2013)
Sometimes it’s OK to tell the world you’ve given up.
93. Starship-Knee Deep In The Hoopla (1985)
They built this city on shitty music AND cover art!
94. David Cassidy-Home Is Where The Heart Is (1976)
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! Nice specs dude, Elton John wants them back.
95. Iggy Pop-Party (1981)
Looks like Iggy stayed at this party far too long. Where’s the peanut butter? (You know what I mean people-if not, look it up).
96. Kiss-Asylum (1985)
I am a huge fan of the band, but the non-makeup Hair Metal-era was truly vomit-inducing. The Frankie Says neon is bad enough but wait until you hear the album with such well-written classics as “Uh! All Night”.
97. Fabio-After Dark (1993)
The album is called After Dark and yet Fabio is standing there in daylight. Neither of those times is good to see him so it doesn’t matter one damn bit. Nice boobs by the way.
98. Mtume-Juicy Fruit (1982)
I see some fruit, but ain’t nothin’ juicy about it.
99. Scorpions-Moment Of Glory (2000)
There’s precious little glory here. At least she’s dressed nice. Christ, this is bad.
100. Haircut 100-Pelican West (1982)
Ah, when men were real men.
101. David Bowie-Never Let Me Down (1987)
And never let him dress like this again. Appropriate this cover blows because the album sucks and Bowie said so. He was right.